been purposely avoiding. She had accidentally sent the message to Josh! There was no way she could talk herself out of this one. No way to retrieve it now, either.
Making sure she was actually texting Sabina this time, she typed out the words Emergency! Get home now! Pushing the phone away, she sat at a distance, staring at it. Had he read it yet?
It rang, her heart stopped, her breathing coming in short frantic breaths. She inched toward the phone, the happy jingle sounding shrill to her ears.
Sabina. Thank God. She hit the accept button.
“Micah, are you okay? What’s wrong? Do you need to call 911?” Sabina’s words came out in a panicked rush.
“It’s not a 911 emergency. It’s a friend emergency. It’s awful! I don’t know what to do! I think I just ruined everything! Actually, I know I just ruined everything!”
“Okay. Slow down. What are you talking about?”
“I needed advice so I was going to text you and ask you what I should do.”
“Then ask me.”
“Well, see, it’s more than that.... See, I think I’m falling in love with Josh.”
“Oh...my...gosh...”
“It gets worse. I accidentally texted him instead of you.”
“What did the text say?”
“It said just that—that I was falling in love with him. What am I going to do? I am so embarrassed! I don’t think I can recover from this. You may need to start looking for a new roommate, because I’m gonna have to move out of state.”
“Okay. I’m heading home now, but he’ll probably call you or text you before I get there.”
“I can’t talk to him right now! I was texting you to find out how to handle this.” The emotion was overwhelming; she couldn’t control the tears as they fell down her cheeks. “I’m not ready to talk to him yet. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for this conversation.”
“Just ignore him until I get home. That way I’ll be there to hold your hand when you do take his call.”
“What have I done?”
“Stop getting yourself so worked up. Make yourself some tea and just sit tight until I get there.”
Micah hung up the phone and went about making some chamomile tea as Sabina had suggested.
Josh still hadn’t responded. Either he hadn’t received it or he was in shock and didn’t know how to respond. She had really messed this one up badly. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
The tea did nothing to calm her. She kept putting her phone down, just to pick it up again. No new messages. The stress of it all was going to be the death of her.
Knock. Knock.
Micah’s body went rigid. Sabina had a key. It was her apartment. She wouldn’t knock. Micah knew who it was and the thought of answering the door made her start to sweat. She could ignore it.
“Micah?” He yelled through the door, confirming her suspicion. She remained frozen, hoping he would go away.
“Micah, I know you’re in there. I saw your light on.”
She could have left her light on. It didn’t mean she was here.
“We need to talk. Please, just let me in.”
Go away!
“I can just talk through the door if you prefer. Not sure if your neighbors will be too happy about that, though.”
Her neighbors would hate it. Besides, it was none of their business.
“Micah, please. I need to talk to you. I need to see your face.”
She couldn’t help herself, peeking through the door’s peephole. He looked the way she felt. He ran his hand through his hair, which looked as though it had seen better days. She rested her forehead on the cold door, letting out a deep breath she hadn’t been aware she was holding. She couldn’t face him. She just couldn’t do it.
“I can hear you breathing and can see the shadow of your feet. Please. Just open the door.”
Her hand rested on the cool metal of the doorknob. She couldn’t face him, but couldn’t help responding to him, either. “You weren’t supposed to get that.”
“I gathered that much.”
“I’m so sorry, Josh.”
“Open the door, Micah. Sorry for what?”
“For ruining everything. I’ve messed it all up.” She turned the knob and slowly opened the door, standing back to let him in.
“Micah.” His eyes brimmed with pain and indecision. She knew whatever words came out of his mouth would hurt her. They would cut like a knife. Even her name on his lips sliced through her.
“Don’t. Don’t say it.” She couldn’t bear to look into his eyes anymore. The words came out on a whisper, too difficult to say. “I don’t think I can handle it.”
“It’s just that... Micah, I still see you as Drew’s. I think I’ll always see you that way...off-limits. He was one of my best friends. I have to honor his memory in this.”
She spun at his words, a spark igniting within her. How dare he? She spoke through clenched teeth. “He’s gone, Josh. His claim on me died with him.”
“But still—”
She cut him off. He’d hear her out even if it was the last she ever said to him. “As my friend, do you really think that’s fair to me? To condemn me to a life of loneliness because once I belonged to someone who is now dead? Is that what you hope for me? Is that all you see happening in my future? Because I’m considered untouchable to you?”
Micah walked to the window, her eyes unable to take anything in but the snowy-white abyss that lay beyond. Her tone softened after she took a deep, calming breath, her back to him. “Drew was my first love. That place in my heart will always belong to him. But what we had, although real, was nothing more than teenage love. Even if that accident hadn’t happened, I honestly don’t think we would have lasted much longer. No matter how much I have imagined it.”
She pulled the edges of her robe tighter, needing its comfort and warmth. “For the last ten years, I’ve desperately held on to a memory, an idea. I fooled myself into believing that my life was pointless without him, that any hope of a happy future had died with him. But it was all lies that I told myself to put off the grieving process. I had become comfortable in my denial. It felt safer than the alternative, which was to put myself back out there, susceptible to heartbreak again. Sure, I went through the motions. I appeared to be normal, happy and healthy to the naked eye. But deep inside of me, hidden from
