“You tell her the truth. You tell her you love her and that you are a freaking idiot and you can’t live without her.”
“You don’t understand.”
“You’re right. I don’t.”
“I’ll figure it out later. I don’t want to think any more about it right now. Why are we wasting time talking about relationships like a bunch of girls when there is a perfectly good football game about to start?”
“Seriously, though. Don’t be an idiot and let her get away.”
“Okay. You’re done. Football game is on.” Josh turned up the volume and let the announcer’s voice drown out his friend as well as his thoughts.
It didn’t work, though. The game was on but Josh wasn’t watching. How had everything spiraled out of control so quickly? Ten years. It had been ten years since Drew’s death and the vow he had made. He had successfully kept it a secret for a decade, and now it all threatened to crumble.
Jamie gave advice so freely, but if he knew the truth he would understand.
“Here, have another beer. I can hear the wheels turning in your head.” Jamie handed him a bottle of beer, but he waved it off.
“No. I don’t need it.”
The memories of that night had haunted him for such a long time. It had always kept a much-needed wall between him and Micah. He wasn’t sure when, but she had climbed over it, demolishing the barrier.
“You ready to make me understand?”
“I don’t know, man.” Josh dragged the palm of his hand down his face. It was all too much. Maybe he should talk about it. Get it out in the open, so to speak. “She doesn’t know the truth about Drew’s death.”
“What do you mean?”
“It was my fault.”
The look on Jamie’s face told him he didn’t believe him. Josh knew what he was thinking. Drew had been alone when he died. No other cars to blame. No other passengers to distract him.
“I know what you’re thinking. He was driving too fast and it was raining. But...see, Drew called me. He was on the phone with me when he died.”
“Oh, man...” Jamie leaned forward on the couch and rested his elbows on his knees.
“We were arguing.”
“About what?”
“Micah.” Josh took a deep breath. “I’ve always been in love with her and Drew knew it. He was setting me straight, telling me how it was going to be.”
Jamie remained still as Josh spoke. “It was because of me that he wasn’t paying attention, that he was going so fast. I can still remember everything. The screeching, the shattering, the twisting. I didn’t know where he was or what had happened. I was too afraid to hang up on him to call for help. So I kept talking to him.”
“Oh, God. Josh, why didn’t you tell us?”
“What was I supposed to say?” Josh leaned forward and put his head in his hands. “I sat there in my truck in the middle of the rain and listened to our best friend take his last breath.”
He fought to shake the memories from his head. He didn’t want to think about Drew’s last words just now.
“Once I snapped out of it, I ran into the house and called 911. It took awhile to figure everything out, but eventually I found myself standing in front of the wreckage. The paramedics had already left. They had taken him away in a body bag. Nothing left to do. Bright red-and-blue lights flashed all around as the police officers investigated and tried to make sense of what happened.”
Josh remembered standing there as a deluge of heavy raindrops soaked through his thick coat. It was then that he took on the massive weight of guilt. Putting it on his shoulders like a cloak. It was all his fault. It was there in that moment that Josh had vowed never to breathe a word of this to Micah. She would hate him forever if she knew the truth. He would keep his promise and watch over her. He would protect her and never cross over the boundaries of friendship. He would do it for Drew.
“You know what happened. Drew’s car lost control. He was going way too fast when he took that turn on Elk Street. By that point there was no way he could have avoided that tree. The car didn’t stand a chance with an immovable oak. Instead it just wrapped around it. The misshapen mass of metal that I saw bore no resemblance to a vehicle. No one could have survived something like that. If I hadn’t done something that day to piss him off, Drew wouldn’t have been upset. He wouldn’t have called me while driving in the pouring rain. He wouldn’t have been driving so recklessly. He wouldn’t have taken that corner so fast. But because of me, he did.”
“Josh, we both know that Drew was a reckless driver no matter what mood he was in. He was always talking on the phone. Always going too fast. He was careless. It wasn’t your fault. You just were unfortunate enough to be the one he was talking to at the time. It could have been any one of us.”
Josh heard him. Knew he was speaking the truth. If Micah had been the one on the phone with Drew, he wouldn’t have placed the blame on her shoulders. But even if it could all be reasoned away, he still couldn’t get past the guilt or the promise he’d made.
“Did he die quickly? Did he say anything?” Josh had never considered the fact that he was the only one aware of Drew’s last moments. It had all been a mystery to his family and friends. He was selfish for keeping it secret all these years.
“It was pretty quick. It all happened so fast. It could have been mere seconds, but it felt like an eternity. Hearing him and not being able to do anything... He didn’t say much. Each word was a struggle. But Micah’s name was the last he said.” He leaned back into the couch, emotionally depleted. “Jamie, I made a promise then and there that I would always protect her, and that included protecting her from me. Which, obviously, I’ve failed at.”
“Josh, I can’t say I would have handled it any differently, but still... Listen, we’ve been talking to Micah about letting go and moving on, and she’s finally doing it. Now I think it’s your turn. Drew would never have blamed you for what happened. It’s time you let that go.”
Talking had helped get it all out there so he could finally work through it. Jamie was right. He did need to let it go. For himself. For Micah.
He only wanted to do what was best for her. She deserved more than what he had to offer. Even days after the mistaken text message, the fact that she had said she had fallen in love with him still hadn’t sunk in yet. How could this be? He wasn’t deserving of someone like her. He didn’t deserve to be loved like that.
He knew women found him attractive, wanted to date him, but they did not fall in love with him. He usually did something to screw it up long before they got to that point.
So when had it happened with Micah? Was it really possible that she had seen past his idiocy and in spite of his numerous flaws had really fallen in love with him? She knew him better than anyone, better than most of his family, and still she claimed to love him.
It blew his mind.
Should
