any time you get angry, that’s a problem. Others disagree, arguing that anger is never a problem as long as it communicates that something is wrong in your life.
Cheryl, Stan, and Amber all work for an engineering firm. They have annual reviews scheduled for this week. All three experience some anger but express it very differently.
Cheryl’s boss tells her that her work is amazing but that other staff members have complained about her frequent irritability. Cheryl feels her pulse rate increase and her face redden, “I can’t understand that; I never get angry with anyone,” she insists, “I get everything done for everyone and this is the thanks I get?”
Stan often expresses his anger at work by slamming doors and yelling. His boss tells him that his emotions are out of control. He recommends that Stan attend anger-management classes. Stan slams the performance review on his desk and shouts, “How the hell do you expect me to act when everyone around me is an incompetent fool?”
Amber’s boss gives her a solid review. He asks her whether she has any concerns or complaints. She hesitates for a moment and calmly remarks, “Actually, I am upset and even a bit angry that a couple of my colleagues suffer from anger problems that distract me and hurt our workgroup’s morale.”
Perhaps you can tell that Amber manages her anger effectively, whereas Cheryl and Stan have problems with anger. In this chapter, we take the mystery out of trying to decide who does and doesn’t have too much anger. We help you determine whether you have anger that needs managing. We explain how people express anger in different ways and review a few problems that all too often accompany anger. But before reviewing the nature of anger problems, we show you how anger isn’t always a bad thing.
Discovering When Anger Works
Typically, you associate anger with aggressive behavior or some other type of destructive outcome in your life. This is true only because no one has shown you how to use anger constructively. In this section, we illustrate the positive side of anger – the side that can be harnessed to resolve problems of everyday life, understand other people’s point of view, and minimize future conflict.
Emotions aren’t inherently good or bad. People have suffered heart attacks because of a joyful event, like being promoted, and they’ve suffered strokes when surprised by the unexpected news of a loved one’s death. Does this mean that you should avoid joy and surprise at all costs? Of course not. And you shouldn’t try to avoid anger because of some mistaken belief that it can only cause hurt and harm. It’s what you do with anger – how you express it – that makes it good or bad.
When people talk about anger, you’ll hear various terms and words tossed around. Here, we clarify the meaning of some of those terms:
✔ Anger is an emotion that includes high physical arousal, thoughts about threats, unfairness, injustice, intolerance, and unacceptable frustration. The emotion of anger may or may not be acted upon.
✔ Irritability is an overly sensitive emotional and physical state. When irritable, you easily get upset yet may not be fully aware of your emotions, thoughts, or feelings. Sometimes other people detect your irritability better than you can.
✔ Aggression is the intentional infliction of hurt or harm to people or objects. Not everyone who is aggressive feels anger. Some people engage in aggression because they actually like or feel pleasure from inflicting hurt. As you may suspect, these folks aren’t ideal candidates for anger management.
✔ Hostility refers to long-standing, chronic, negative attitudes and beliefs about others or certain types of situations. For example, a gang member may feel hostility toward everyone in another gang. Generally, hostility is somewhat more diffused and less focused than anger.
✔ Rage refers to out-of-control, especially intense levels of anger. Rage is almost always accompanied by an extremely high level of physiological arousal.
If you choose to use anger constructively, you’ll join the ranks of some pretty notable folks – George Washington, Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, Jesus Christ, Gandhi, and Mother Teresa. These people admittedly felt anger – about poverty, racial injustice, or occupation of their countries by foreign powers – but channeled their anger into constructive action that changed the world for the better.
In the following sections, we cover a few reasons you should consider making anger your ally in constructing a new healthier, happier, and more productive life.
Anger can be a built-in resource
People are born with a capacity for anger. Mothers recognize anger in newborns as early as 3 months of age. Babies express anger with loud crying and red faces to tell their caregivers they’re in distress – “Change my diaper!” or “Feed me!”
Anger isn’t something that has to be learned or earned, like money or friendship. It’s yours to experience as the need arises. Think of it as your birthright.
Ask yourself: Do I want to use this inner resource to reconstruct or ruin my life?
Anger can be invigorating
The e in emotion stands for “energy.” Anger produces an instantaneous surge of adrenaline, which causes your pupils to dilate, your heart to race, your blood pressure to elevate, and your breathing to accelerate. If you’re really angry, even the hairs on the back of your neck stand up! Your liver responds by releasing sugar, and blood shifts from your internal organs to your skeletal muscles, causing a generalized state of tension. You’re energized and ready for action. Remember, though, that emotions are short-lived – they come and go. So it’s imperative that you strike while the iron is (literally) hot, and use the angry energy to your benefit before it evaporates.
I know I’m alive when …
Some years ago, W. Doyle Gentry, PhD (author of the first edition of Anger Management For Dummies), conducted a workshop on anger management for mental health professionals. He started off by asking the audience to define anger. Some folks offered the usual, easy definitions: “It’s an emotion,” “It’s a feeling,” “It’s something that feels bad.”
But then one young woman came up with the most intriguing definition of all: “Anger is one way I know I’m alive.” She went on to say how refreshing emotions are because they disrupt the otherwise humdrum nature of daily life and for brief periods leave her feeling energized, full of vitality, alive.
Anger serves as a catalyst for new behavior
The motion part of emotion has to do with motivating behavior. If you’re like us, you want to change some things in your life. But you’re afraid, right? You’re uncertain about what will happen if you let go of the status quo and move your life in some new direction – maybe a new relationship or giving up an old one, leaving a toxic job, moving to a new city, or starting a new, healthier lifestyle (such as joining a gym, starting a diet, or giving up alcohol). So you do nothing
