and on for almost ten years. If her anger leads her to leave the marriage and get counseling, she’s using it productively. On the other hand, if she devoted her life to harassing him and trying to turn her kids against him, she’d be seeking destructive revenge that would hurt her and her children as much as her husband. Not a good idea.
Identifying Your Anger Triggers
Knowing your anger triggers – the events and situations that make you mad – is important because you’ll respond more effectively to your anger when you feel prepared for it. Anticipating the possibility of anger increases your ability to express it more constructively. In this section, we explore common anger triggers.
Many people feel annoyed, irritated, or even enraged whenever something unfair happens to them. Unfortunately, unfair events occur to everyone and even fairly often. Here are a few common examples:
✔ Someone cuts in front of you at the movie theater line.
✔ A teacher gives you what seems clearly to be an unfair grade.
✔ Your boss gives you an inaccurate evaluation at work.
✔ A policeman gives you a ticket when you know you weren’t speeding.
Consider the example of what happened to Cameron (a 16-year-old we know):
Cameron was driving during a well-publicized traffic enforcement sweep in Albuquerque, New Mexico. The police pulled him over for allegedly failing to use his turn signal, which he insisted he had engaged properly. He was a sincere young man with high principles and a strong belief in fairness. Therefore, he argued with the policeman who promptly wrote a ticket and told him to tell it to the judge if he wanted.
Being a somewhat naïve citizen, Cameron went to court and argued strongly to the judge that he was in the right and that the policeman had unfairly targeted him for some reason. The judge sentenced him to 30 hours of community service and a $50 fine. Cameron spent the next few weekends collecting garbage in an orange vest alongside people who had committed more serious offenses.
Was Cameron’s sentence unfair? Probably. But Cameron concluded that sometimes it may just not be worth it to let his anger and desire for fairness override his common sense. Life simply isn’t always fair.
Today’s world is a busy place. People feel pressure to multitask and constantly increase their work output. But things inevitably get in the way of making progress. Examples of such interruptions include
✔ Leaving a bit late to work and running into a huge traffic snarl
✔ Running late for a plane and getting selected for extra screening by security
✔ Having family members or friends constantly text you while you’re working
✔ Having a contractor for your house project fail to show when you had set the whole morning aside to wait
✔ Being placed on hold for 45 minutes and then having your call suddenly disconnected
Are events like these frustrating? You bet. However, they happen to everyone, and they happen no matter what you do to prevent them.
When people let you down, whether they renege on a promise or simply lie, it’s pretty common to feel annoyed, upset, or angry. And most people encounter these events off and on throughout their lives. For example:
✔ Your partner or spouse cheats on you.
✔ Your boss fails to promote you or give you a raise as promised.
✔ A close friend forgets your birthday.
✔ A friend fails to help with moving as she said she would.
✔ A coworker makes up a lie to get out of work one day.
✔ Your kid tells a lie about hitting his brother.
People like to feel reasonably good about themselves. Even people who have low self-esteem usually don’t like to experience put-downs and criticism. Some people react to self-esteem threats with sadness and/or self-loathing, whereas others respond with anger. These threats can be either realistic and deserved or quite unfair, as noted in the earlier section in this chapter “Being treated unfairly.” A few examples of self-esteem threats include
✔ Receiving a bad grade or evaluation
✔ Getting insulted or disrespected
✔ Making a mistake in front of other people
✔ Spilling wine on your neighbor’s carpet
✔ Getting rejected
✔ Not getting picked for the sports team
✔ Losing an election
In the earlier section of this chapter “Making anger your ally,” we note that a few special historic figures, such as Gandhi and Nelson Mandela, have channeled their anger and rage into remarkable, world-changing movements. Most people who face discrimination and prejudice feel powerless and unable to change their world. They respond with irritation, anger, rage, or even despair. The nature of discrimination or prejudice can be subtle or blatant. Here are the most common themes of unfair treatment:
✔ Racial or ethnic differences
✔ Sexism
✔ Sexual orientation
✔ Nationalism
✔ Classism
✔ Disability
✔ Religious beliefs
✔ Appearance (such as height and obesity)
You probably realize that this list of common prejudices could be endless. Some people even prejudge others based on the TV news shows they choose to watch. We won’t tell you
