constructive anger?
No you’re not … or are you?
Sometimes you just need a kick in the pants. Charlie was having lunch with a friend and was telling her about the new, exciting venture he was planning to begin shortly to turn around his failing business. “I’m going to start the new business in about two months, and I’m counting on you to send me some clients,” he said. Her reply, without a moment’s hesitation, “No, you’re not.”
Charlie felt stunned and irritated. “Why do you say that?” he asked. “Because you’ve been talking about this new business for over a year now, and every time we have lunch it’s always going to start sometime in the next few months – but it never does. I think it’s a wonderful idea and, sure, I’d send you clients, but honestly, Charlie, you’re never going to do it. It’s just talk.”
Now Charlie was mad. He paid the check, mumbled some pleasantry, and went back to work. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized his friend was right. A year of talk hadn’t translated into action. Charlie decided right then and there – while he was still angry – that he would begin his new business within the next 30 days, and he did. The rest, as they say, is history. His new venture got off to a rousing start, and over the next ten years, he made almost a million dollars working part time – all thanks to his good friend who made him angry that day.
Note that Charlie’s friend used gentle confrontation and perhaps felt a little irritation with Charlie’s continued procrastination. Charlie felt significant anger, but he used it to help him focus and increase his motivation to do something positive.
Anger communicates
Anger tells the world just how miserable you are – how unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfied, unexcited, and unloved you feel. Anger speaks the unspeakable! Think about the last time you verbally expressed anger. Do you remember what you said? Was it something like, “Get off my back,” “You don’t care about me,” “I’m tired of living hand to mouth,” or “I give, give, give, and I get nothing in return”? We’re sure others heard what you said, but did you? Did you listen to your anger – listen to what it’s telling you about what’s wrong with your life and what you need to do to begin correcting it?
Ask yourself: What is my anger telling me about me?
Anger can protect you from harm
Anger is a vital part of that built-in “fight-or-flight” response that helps you adapt to and survive life’s challenges. Anger is the fight component – the part that moves you to take offensive measures to defend yourself against actual or perceived threats.
Do you ever get angry enough to stand up for your rights or for the rights of someone else? Do you ever use anger to set limits on other people’s rude or inconsiderate behavior? Do you ever get angry and say to someone, “Hey, that’s uncalled for,” “Just stop right there – I’m not going to sit here and subject myself any longer to this abuse,” “You’re insulting my friend; stop it,” or “You may bully other people in this office, but you’re not going to bully me.” We hope so, because, otherwise, you may be well on your way to becoming a victim.
Ask yourself: How can I use my anger to defend myself in a positive way?
The secretary’s got it right
Joe loved to bully his employees. He had a daily ritual of calling someone into his office without warning, usually right as most people were leaving for the day – possibly, he did so because there’d be fewer witnesses at that time. Joe would tell his “victim” to have a seat and then immediately proceed to get red in the face with rage, come charging across the office, with his imposing figure standing over his helpless prey, at which point he’d harangue about all sorts of things he was displeased with for what seemed like an eternity. His employees dreaded the day when their name would be called.
Then one day, while several employees were preparing to leave, one of the secretaries was summoned to Joe’s office. Everyone felt badly for her, anticipating what was to come. But, before even five minutes had passed, she returned, looking unperturbed. “What happened?” they asked, “Why are you back so soon?”
“Well, it was just like everybody said it would be. As soon as I sat down, he came charging across the room and started yelling at me. So I stood up and started walking out the door, at which point he said, ‘Where do you think you’re going?’ I simply told him that no one had ever spoken to me like that in my entire life and I didn’t know how to respond, so I thought it best to leave until he calmed down. And here I am.”
Two days later, another person in that same office was called in and found himself being confronted by Joe. As soon as he started hollering, “I got mad but then immediately thought about the secretary,” the man said. “So I got up and started to walk out. He asked me where I thought I was going, and I gave him the same answer the secretary had. He stopped his ranting and calmly asked me to sit back down because he needed to talk with me about something important. I said, ‘Okay, as long as you don’t start hollering again.’” The two had a civil discussion after that.
Anger can serve as an antidote to impotence
Impotence – lacking in power and ability – feels lousy. And we’re not just talking about sexual impotence. We mean being impotent in how you deal with the world around you – your relationships, your job, your finances, your health, your weight, the loss of loved ones, and so on. You feel weak and inadequate, not up to the task at hand.
Then you get angry – and suddenly you’re infused with a sense of empowerment, a feeling of strength, confidence, and competence. You’re standing straight up to the frustrations and conflicts you’ve been avoiding. Anger, used properly, is a can-do emotion: “I can fix this problem,” “I can make a difference here,” and “I can be successful if I try.”
Constructive anger differs from destructive anger in a number of important ways, including the following:
✔ The anger has the purpose of fixing a problem or wrongdoing. For example, getting mad when a ballgame gets rained out isn’t particularly helpful, but feeling irritated then feeling motivated to come up with an alternative activity works.
✔ The anger is directed at the person responsible for the wrongdoing. If a salesperson treats you rudely when you ask for help but you ignore her rudeness and take your feelings out on the checkout person, your anger isn’t helpful.
✔ The anger response is reasonably proportional to the wrongdoing. For example, if your adolescent daughter rolls her eyes at you and makes a sarcastic remark, it’s appropriate to take away a couple of hours of her screen time. However, your response would be wildly disproportionate if you slapped her.
✔ The anger intends to stop problems and doesn’t seek revenge. This
