We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don’t mean. We make promises we don’t keep. “I’ll call you.” “Let’s get together.” We know we won’t. On the Human Interaction Stock Exchange, our words have lost almost all their value. And the spiral continues, as we now don’t even expect people to keep their word; in fact we might even be embarrassed to point out to the dirty liar that they never did what they said they’d do. So if a guy you’re dating doesn’t call when he says he’s going to, why should that be such a big deal? Because you should be dating a man who’s at least as good as his word.
The “Maybe We’re Just Different” Excuse
Dear Greg,
I live with my boyfriend who doesn’t like to talk on the phone. So when he goes out of town, he won’t call me—even to let me know that he got there safely. He just won’t call me. He goes out of town fairly often for business. We fight about it all the time. Sometimes I think that our styles are just different, and I’m going to have to learn how to compromise. But then I think that if you’re into someone, you would want to call them and talk to them while you’re away from them. Am I crazy?
Rachel
Dear Not Crazy,
Unless you are dating a spy, this behavior is unwarranted. I travel for a living and find that I call my lady three or four times a day. However, sometimes because of time differences we don’t connect. But I will, and she will, always leave a message. I have to say, as a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that’s why I call her as often as I do. We have no rules about calling, but we like and love each other to the degree that we want to talk daily, if not hourly. Listen, I do think space in a relationship is good. Missing someone is a sign of a healthy relationship. Not respecting your need to have some form of connection with him while he’s away is not. Regardless of his dislike for talking on the phone, he should respect and care for you enough to call you, if only because he knows that it will make you happy.
Yes, it seems like it’s just a machine that transmits voice waves over wires and comes in different styles, like cordless, cellular, handheld, and rotary, but the truth is, the phone has officially reached a new high in relationship symbolism. Is a phone call just a phone call, or is it really the almighty representation of how much he really cares about you? Probably somewhere in the middle. And a good man will know that and use this handy telecommunication device accordingly. E-mails need not apply.
The “But He’s Very Important” Excuse
Dear Greg,
You’re dumb. A guy who I’m going out with (who I asked out, Greg, by the way) is totally important and totally busy. He’s a music video director and travels and has long shoots and lots and lots of responsibilities. Sometimes when he’s working, I don’t hear from him for days and days. He’s really busy, Greg! Some guys are just really, really busy! Don’t you ever have really, really busy days? I’ve learned to live with it and not give him any shit, because I know that’s the price I pay for going out with someone really successful and hot and busy. Why are you telling these women to be so needy?!
Nikki
Dear Nikki,
Good to hear from you again. Well, not really. Listen, Nikki. Really busy is another way to say “just not that into you.” Totally important is another way to say, “you’re unimportant.” How great that you’ve “landed” someone that even you think is out of your league. Too busy and important to ask you out or call you—what a catch. Congratulations on your quasi-relationship! It must feel amazing to know that you’ve been programmed into the super hot and important busy guy’s cell phone, even if he never uses it to call you. You must be the envy of every woman he’s really dating.
I’m about to make a wild, extreme, and severe relationship rule: The word “busy” is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you’re going to find is a man who didn’t care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.
IT’S SO SIMPLE
Sadly, I can’t be with you ladies all the time, fending off all the bad excuses, and, thereby, bad men that come your way. But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored.
HERE’S WHY THIS ONE IS HARD, by Liz
We’re smart. We get it. We know guys should be attentive and considerate and thoughtful. I mean, for God’s sake, we’re not idiots. We know that they should call us when they say they’re going to and let us know that they’re thinking about us. Duh.
But somehow, just when I think I have that lesson perfectly drummed into that thick skull of mine, I meet the one guy who really does have the perfect excuse for being a flake. His family really is falling apart and he’s the one that has to take care of them all. He really is moving and didn’t know how difficult it was going to be. He really does have that big case at work and can’t be around for a while, but he really does—really, really—like me. And I like him so damn much that I’m willing to be patient and cut him some slack and see how it all turns out.
I know intellectually what I’m supposed to be getting from a relationship. I’m writing a damn book about it. But when faced with being offered less than that (sometimes a lot less than that), it’s hard to know exactly when to cut loose and move on. He forgets to call me one night—am I supposed to just dump him? He forgets to call me three times—is that when I dump him? It’s not easy to find someone you like and are excited about. And you always want to believe that the men you do meet are honest and kind and have your best interests at heart. And when you see the first glimmer of potentially bad behavior, you first hope more than anything that it’s not what you think it is. And you want to make sure you don’t overreact, punishing him unjustly for some other guy’s mistakes. It’s a very complicated and tricky world we live in when we choose to date, and I can’t keep calling Greg all the time and asking him what I should do.
So right now I’m just trying to notice when a guy’s behavior starts making me feel bad about myself—when I start feeling like he’s making me suffer. A little pang of disappointment because he didn’t call when he said he would? Well, that’s okay; we’ll see how it goes. A constant state of uneasiness because he’s completely unreliable? That’s bad. Tears? Really bad. Meeting someone you like and dating him is supposed to make you feel better, not worse. That’s always a good rule to live by, no matter what the special circumstances (i.e., excuses) are. It’s not easy. But let’s try to remember that the next incredible guy we meet with the really good excuse is just another guy who’s hurting our feelings.
THIS
