York, I noticed that Greg would often call his wife just to tell her that he couldn’t really talk to her right then, but he was thinking of her and would call later. It didn’t look like the most difficult thing in the world, but it sure seemed nice.
GREG, I GET IT! By Traci, age 25
Greg, I get it! I had two dates with a guy. On the second date we slept together. He said he would call me the next day (Tuesday) and he didn’t call me until the weekend. When he called, I told him that it was too late. He was stunned, but really, I don’t have time for that shit. It was the first time I had ever done anything like that and it felt great!
IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE GREG
100% of men polled said they’ve never been too busy to call a woman they were really into. As one fine man said, “A man has got to have his priorities.”
What You Should Have Learned in This Chapter
• If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind.
• If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you.
• Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do.
• If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs.
• “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating.
• You deserve a fucking phone call.
Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook
We all love multiple choice. Here’s hopefully an easy one for you:
A guy you went out with once and slept with hasn’t called you in two weeks. Do you:
1 jump to the conclusion that he’s just really busy, lost your phone number, and was struck in the skull, and is now suffering from short-term memory loss, and you should call him?
2 quit your job, stay at home, call the telephone company to make sure your phone works, and wait for him to call?
3 realize He’s Just Not That Into You and move on with your life?
Good for you. You answered C. We knew it was easy—but doesn’t it feel good to make the right choice?
3 He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Dating You
“Hanging out” is not dating
Oh, there seem to be so many variations to dating, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. So many gray, murky areas of vagueness, mystery, and no questions asked. Dudes love this time because that’s when they get to pretend they’re not really dating you. Then they also get to pretend they’re not really responsible for your feelings. When you ask someone out on a real bonafide date, you’re making it official: I’d like to see you alone to find out if we have a romantic future together (or at least pretend to listen to you while I ponder whether you’re wearing a thong). In case you need more clues: There’s usually a public excursion, a meal, and some hand-holding involved.
The “He Just Got Out of a Relationship” Excuse
Dear Greg,
I’m really, really in love. I want to say that first. I’ve been sleeping with a really, really good friend of mine who recently got out of a terrible marriage. Because he is in the process of going through a very traumatic breakup, he’s really clear that he can’t have any kind of expectations or demands put on him in any way. Basically, he wants to come and go as he pleases. We’ve been seeing each other and sleeping together for six months now. It’s very painful not to be able to have any say about when or how often I get to see him. Yet it’s also very painful to think about not being with him. I don’t like being in this powerless position, but I feel like if I hold out, eventually he’ll be mine. But it’s very difficult for me in the meantime. What should I do?
Lisa
Dear Really Really,
Let’s talk about Johnny Really Good Friend and your Johnny Really Great Friendship. It sure works out well for him. Because you were a pal during his disaster of a marriage, he will always be able to play the “friend” card with you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. After all, being a “pal,” you wouldn’t want to put him through any more emotional turmoil while he’s going through his “very traumatic breakup.” He’s got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to. He may be one of your closest friends, but I’m sorry to say, as a boyfriend, He’s Just Not That Into You.
Beware of the word “friend.” It can often be used by men or the women that love them to excuse the most unfriendly behavior. Personally, when I’m picking friends, I like the ones who don’t make me cry myself to sleep.
The “But We Really Are Dating” Excuse
Dear Greg,
I’ve been dating a guy for three months. We spend four or five nights a week together. We go to events together. He calls me when he says he’s going to and never flakes out on me. We’re having a great time. He recently informed me that he doesn’t want to be anyone’s boyfriend and isn’t ready for a serious relationship. But I know he’s not dating anyone else. I think he’s just scared of the term “boyfriend.” Greg, I’m always hearing that women should listen to men’s actions, not their words. So doesn’t that mean I should just ignore him and be secure in the fact that he wants to spend all this time with me—that no matter what he’s actually saying, the truth is he’s really into me?
Keisha
Dear Not Listening,
I looked up “I don’t want to be your boyfriend” in the Relationship Dictionary, just to make sure I wasn’t mistaken, but I was right. It still means “I don’t want to be your boyfriend.” Wow. And this is coming from a guy who’s spending four or five nights a week with you. That must hurt. Nice to know your not-boyfriend gets to live in your world commitment-free. Not quite sure what you’re getting. If you want to give all that time to a guy who’s proclaiming he’s not your boyfriend, then go ahead. But I’d hope you’d at least go find someone who wasn’t saying to your face, “I’m just not that into you.”
