cycle is more common with nonsensitive parents of an HSC—a situation thoroughly discussed in the next chapter. But even highly sensitive parents can be unsure how to cope with an HSC and desperately wish their child was different.
Mitchell’s Mother Finally “Gets Out of Her Own Way”
Mitchell’s mother did not realize that she and her son were both highly sensitive. Sharon had been raised in a pretty tough, not very sensitive family. She did not remember consciously adapting to them. She just did.
But she was very sensitive to her new baby, Mitchell. She loved to sing, and she could not miss the signs that her baby did not like to be sung to. When he was older, he did not like to sing either—at least not in the children’s choir in which she had planned to see him shine. Sharon was equally frustrated when he would not wear a costume at Halloween and still needed a pacifier at four. And she was sad that “he couldn’t initiate—I saw him as always the follower, the imitator, never the leader.”
Then a speaker came to Mitchell’s preschool and talked about sensitive children. “Suddenly,” Sharon said, “the light went on.” She went on to tell me how much she wishes she had understood sooner and “gotten out of my own way and stopped judging my parenting. Deep down I had known what to do. But I was not doing it and was blaming myself for the results, especially when the rest of the family thought there was something wrong with what I was doing. Now all that is over. I mold myself to fit his behavior. I let him tell me what he needs.
“And he has so many wonderful qualities, too—his sweetness and gentleness. So if he doesn’t want to run off and do a skit at our family reunion, now it’s not a big deal to me. It’s almost a pleasure to say, ‘No, he doesn’t want to do it.’ It feels good to understand so well when others don’t.”
THE SIX MOST COMMON PROBLEMS
So let’s get to work by discussing six facets of your child’s high sensitivity and how each, although neutral in itself, can cause certain problems for you as a parent until you have the right skills. You will also begin to learn some of those skills in this chapter.
1. Awareness of Subtleties
What a wonderful quality in some situations: your daughter notices your every loving glance and returns it, can tell you when her little brother is hungry before you ever thought about a feeding, and functions like a living smoke alarm, letting everyone know if there is a bit of smoke anywhere, even from the next-door neighbor’s chimney. In other situations, what a pain. In particular, HSCs notice when the smallest thing is not to their liking. “There’s some skin left on this apple—you know I hate skin.” “This room stinks” (you cannot smell a thing unusual). “You moved my computer, didn’t you?” “Yes, that’s the flavor I like, but the wrong brand—this kind tastes chalky.”
Not all HSCs notice subtleties. There are a few who seem fairly oblivious, being more preoccupied with their inner world. Or they may be bothered more by intensity—loud noise, bright lights, or spicy foods—and less by subtle stuff. Or they may only notice subtleties in one area—just food or clothing or social nuances. But with an HSC, it’s bound to come up somewhere.
Chapter 7 will focus on coping with the problems that arise with this quality of HSCs. In the meantime, here are some general pointers:
Believe your child. When your child says it hurts, rubs, or stings, it does, even if the same thing doesn’t bother you.
With little HSCs, keep them fed and rested—they will be less irritable and better able to wait for you to relieve a discomfort.
When HSCs are old enough to understand you, first acknowledge your child’s discomfort, then let him know when and how it will end or that you simply cannot do anything about it if that is truly the case. If you have first conveyed sincere respect for your child’s response and sympathy for his desperate need, and your own valid reason to delay or do nothing—you have to finish the shopping, get to the car where there are dry clothes, use up this brand because you cannot afford to waste it—he will grow in the ability to understand that and wait.
Put limits on what you can be expected to do. Some children find their shoelaces uncomfortable, but even if you tie them fourteen times they will still feel all wrong, possibly because your child is so focused on this sensation and frustrated. Discuss it when you are not tying shoes—that you will try five times, trying to follow her instructions. The fifth time will have to suffice because you’ve become frustrated, too, or do not have the time to continue.
Stick to your standards of politeness and good public behavior, but remember emotions are sometimes irrational and overwhelming, even for adults. If your child is losing all control over what seems like a “small matter,” solve the situation for now as best you can, or if you cannot, let your HSC cry or scream while you simply hold her (if young) or stay with her and sympathize. When things are calm, perhaps the next day, the two of you can discuss what needs to be done so that she will behave better the next time.
When possible, put your child in charge of the solution. A parent with a son who is fussy about socks has him choose the ones that will not bother him. If there are none, it is not mom or dad’s fault.
2. Being Easily Overstimulated and Overaroused
As I said in Chapter 1, a child who notices subtleties will also become overwhelmed when too much is coming at once. (The “too much” can come from outside, but also from inside, as when a child imagines something very frightening or exciting.)
The more stimulation, the more the body becomes aroused to deal with it. Every animal and human seeks just the right level of arousal—it’s as automatic as breathing. Too little and we are bored, restless. We put on the radio or call a friend. Too much and we are uncomfortable, rattled. We try to calm down, but if we can’t, we perform poorly at whatever task we are doing—hitting a ball, solving a math problem, thinking of things to say in a conversation. HSCs become overaroused more easily. That means your daughter may be perfectly able to catch a softball when the two of you play catch at home, but in a game she drops the ball as often as she catches it. She starts to hate playing, she cries during games, yet she wants to play and you want her to. You think, why so much drama around a simple game of ball? Do you make her play or let her quit?
First, understand that HSCs will have areas in which overarousal causes great difficulty. These are usually activities in which, early on, they have had a failure or imagined they would have one. The next time they try they are more aroused and anxious rather than more relaxed, so they do even worse. But performance anxiety is not always the culprit—they can be eager to perform and confident and still be overaroused by the lights and the crowd.
Can we ever see this proneness to overarousal as a good thing? Overarousal itself is never helpful, but needing so little to reach a comfortable level has its uses. HSCs are usually less easily bored, for example. And they are more caring, involved performers in situations when others might not make an effort.
Are there HSCs who do not become easily overaroused? Most have some areas in which they are so at ease that they can function smoothly even under great pressure or conditions of high stimulation. But in other areas, the overarousal usually appears. Chapter 7 will help with dealing with overarousal
