Be aware of how being overstimulated and overaroused can increase all emotional reactions, especially the negative ones. A mood often passes with a good night’s sleep, while staying up and trying to talk it away can only add to the overstimulation. Always try, “Shall we sleep on it?”
If any powerful emotion lasts for several days, you may want to seek some help. This includes depression, anxiety, anger, and also happy but sleepless “hyper” states. You do not have to take your child to a psychologist—that may be quite distressing in itself. You might start with you and a professional trying to figure it out without your child around. And the goal should be understanding what caused these lasting feelings, not merely medicating them away. Medication should be a last (but invaluable) resort.
4. Awareness of Others’ Feelings
Given that humans are social animals, if you combine an awareness of subtleties and an intense emotional life, you have a person who tends to be highly aware of others’ feelings. What a wonderful attribute, making your HSC empathic, an intuitive leader (not to mention salesperson), skilled in knowing how to nurture just about anything, and having a good sense of when a close relationship needs attention.
Again, this awareness begins in infancy. All infants are highly aware of their caregiver’s feelings—their survival depends on it. When psychologists emphasize the importance of early mothering and the security of the bond between mother and child, it is not to make mothers feel guilty. It is simply a reality due to our being primates. And for better or worse, HSCs are going to be exquisitely attuned to those who take care of them. And since 40 percent of parents did not experience a secure attachment in childhood themselves, it is important for those of you with that sort of history to learn to send secure messages to your own child. We will discuss that more in Chapter 6.
For older HSCs, one of the biggest problems is that they can be aware of another’s feelings even when the other person is not. People often deny their fear or anger to be polite or avoid embarrassment, and may do so even to the point of being honestly unaware of it. “Of course I’m not annoyed” or “I’m not even slightly afraid.” But the HSC may pick up on subtle signs, even the scent caused by the emotion in the other’s body. Then your child must deal with knowing about the other’s feelings without seeming to know, while getting a different message in words. I know one sensitive woman who in childhood confronted her best friend several times about how envious and competitive they were with each other. Her friend always denied it—until adulthood. But all through childhood, the woman had to wonder if she was crazy and making it all up.
It will help your child enormously if you can identify and be honest about your own feelings.
Similarly, people will say to a “shy” HSC, “Don’t be so worried about what other people think; they aren’t even noticing you!” That is hard for the HSC to believe when he is noticing everything about everyone else, including how much others truly are subtly comparing themselves to each other. But, if you raise your HSC to feel confident—which you will learn to do in Chapter 5—he will notice others watching but assume they are pleased or accept that it does not matter.
As for empathy, when HSCs are overwhelmed, they can become temporarily quite unaware of other’s needs. But if your child is chronically insensitive to others or remote, something is wrong that is not simply overarousal.
As a result of all this awareness of others, an HSC may decide to put the needs of others first to spare them (and the HSC) emotional pain. This is usually not conscious, and the compliance may only happen with some people. With others, yourself for example, your HSC may be quite feisty, outspoken, and demanding. But when your child seems to be choosing to be a doormat, it is probably because she finds it easier than feeling the other’s pain or burning need, or the threat of the other’s anger or judgment. What can you do about making this awareness of others’ feelings an asset for your child? We will discuss this more in later chapters, but here are some basic tips.
Be aware of how you handle your own awareness of others’ feelings. If you feel nothing or show no reaction to another’s suffering, your child will be left alone with his reaction plus have less respect for you. If you deny the problem of worrying about what others think of you, your child will feel flawed for still having this concern. So think these issues through for yourself and discuss with your HSC how you resolve them. For example, if you and your child hear of some catastrophe in which many people have suffered, a child with religious instruction will want to know why God allowed all those people to suffer and what is a child’s duty toward the victims? One of the joys (and trials) of having children, especially an HSC, is being forced to confront the big questions in life.
Teach your child what can be done, like sitting down together at the “season of giving” at the end of the year and choosing which charities and causes your family will contribute to. And discuss what is not helpful, like feeling bad all the time about others’ suffering. You do all you can, then move on. Regarding being aware of others’ judgments, I like the “fifty-fifty rule”—you can always expect 50 percent of people will like what you do, 50 percent will not. So you may as well do what you think is best. You cannot please them all.
Look at how you balance the needs of others around you with your own needs. Consider your own ability to say “no” to others or to disregard their opinion when it feels wrong. Your child will imitate you.
Teach your child that he has a right to say no or ignore another’s opinion. In particular, a person who is burned out from helping others or trying to please them is no use to anyone. We each do our part, but we cannot do it all or lose sleep over it. As one Christian writer pointed out, Jesus knew he could heal every person in Judea, but as far as we know he slept okay at night without having done so.
Be careful about sharing too many of your own troubles or judgments of others with your child. HSCs can become wonderful friends, confidants, and counselors, especially for parents without another close, understanding other. But this is too much for even the wisest child to handle. Your HSC is still learning to cope with an overwhelming world and needs to gain strength from you before she can handle the job of supporting a troubled adult. And when HSCs hear you judging others, they will be even more convinced that this is a common human behavior.
To promote your child’s sense of his own needs and wishes, insist that he make choices whenever that is possible. I will emphasize this often. Even if your child is slow at it or you think you know what he would choose, ask. “Do you want crackers or bread?” “Would you rather invite Jan here or see if you can go to Jan’s house?” If his needs conflict with another’s, displeases someone, or anyone says his choice is stupid or in poor taste, tell your child that it is correct to briefly and politely consider advice that sounds sensible and is said with good intentions, but that he has a right to his own needs and opinions and to learn from his own experience.
See that everyone’s wishes in your family are heard and respected equally when that is possible—that is, practice equal and reciprocal empathy, rather than the HSC being the one who complies more. One parent with two HSCs alternates “ruler for the day” rights. When Janie is ruler, she can ride in the front seat, answer the phone (or not), get the first serving of dessert, hold the dog’s leash, or whatever the privilege is that one of the two children might enjoy. On the next day, Gareth gets to choose. On their day, they know and act on what they want, not having to think of the other. For an HSC, that can be a huge relief and important experience.
In our family, we can be considerate of each other to a fault. I used to say that
