parent, as Sharon did in the previous chapter.
(Please note: For brevity’s sake I will often say “nonsensitive” rather than “non-highly-sensitive,” but I never mean it as “insensitive.” Rather, I mean it very technically: not having this particular inherited trait.)
A SPECIAL NOTE TO FATHERS
Fathers especially need to read this chapter, whether they are highly sensitive or not, because men in this culture are more likely to have the perspective of a nonsensitive parent. That is because our culture tends to equate being a man with insensitivity—with not noticing subtleties and being able to “take it like a man,” whatever the level of stimulation, stress, or pain, even though just as many men as women are born with this trait. (By the way, if you score only in the medium range on the self-test, you may still be highly sensitive.) In my research, fathers turned out to be unusually important in the adjustment of HSCs, since traditionally they teach children how to manage out in the world.
HIGH SENSITIVITY AND NOVELTY SEEKING
High novelty seeking is the term for the trait created by having a very strong go-for-it system (described in Chapter 1). High novelty seekers often like physical thrills, are bored easily with “the same old people,” and love to explore. (In Thomas and Chess’s terms, they are “highly approaching.”) For example, they’d rather go to a new place than back to one they know they like, and if they’re traveling, the more foreign the foreign country, the better. They often experiment with drugs at some point in their lives and they dislike routines.
As said before, it is possible to be highly sensitive and also high on this trait. But even if you are both, your trait of high novelty seeking will have some effects on you that will make you similar to a nonsensitive parent. The reason is that both high novelty seekers and nonsensitive people will enter into new situations more readily than their HSC, although for different reasons. Novelty seekers will do it because they want the fresh experience; nonsensitive types will simply not be so concerned about pausing to check.
In spite of the similarities, there is one situation where we need to discuss novelty seeking separately. That is when both you and your child are both highly sensitive and high novelty seekers. (I have not done enough research on novelty seeking to provide a child’s test for it, but I think you can estimate your child’s novelty seeking fairly well.)
The problem for types like you two is that you are easily bored, always craving fresh experiences, yet easily overwhelmed. Your optimal range of arousal is very narrow. You can seem almost self-destructive in that you will plan a day or an entire lifestyle that overwhelms you, then be exhausted, distressed, or even fall ill. When you consistently fail to contain your novelty seeking, you are inviting chronic illness because of your equally high sensitivity. And, of course, our culture supports the novelty-seeking side of you more. For example, corporate cultures often require or certainly encourage top managers to travel all over the world for their work. And high novelty seekers love all that travel and seeing new places. But if they are highly sensitive, they also burn out from it.
I say all of this because it will be your responsibility to figure out how to manage these two traits in yourself and then to teach your child how to do it. (Since this is not a book on that subject, I can only refer you elsewhere—to volume 4, issues 2 and 3 of The Comfort Zone, a newsletter for highly sensitive people—see Resources.)
WHEN YOU AND YOUR CHILD HAVE QUITE DIFFERENT TEMPERAMENTS
If you are all one way (a nonsensitive novelty seeker—and perhaps an extrovert, too) and your child is all the other way (an HSC, not a novelty seeker, and perhaps an introvert) then this is a very serious difference between you. Everything I am about to say is very, very important for you.
First, be assured that nonsensitive parents and HSCs can do extremely well together. In Chapter 2, I described “goodness of fit” and emphasized that it does not at all mean that a parent and child need to have the same temperament; indeed, we will see ways where differences in temperament are an advantage. A good fit refers to the fact that some environments—cultures, families, and parents—support a given temperament especially well. If parents realize that there has been a lack of fit up to this point, they can adapt.
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