8 will help when it leads to shyness in social situations. In the meantime, here are some general pointers:
• See that your child has an area of competence—a sport, form of art or self-expression, academic subject, magic show, comedy routine, experiences of chatting with interested adults, or leading other kids in a fantasy game. Choose something he is interested in and start slowly, seeing that at first every attempt meets with success.
With my son this worked with drama and writing. When I enrolled him in an acting class at age eight, I actually asked the teacher to praise him—he had had so many failures in sports. He came out of his first class beaming: “She says I’m a born actor!” He never missed a class after that.
With writing, I made a point of seeing that he never handed in a paper that was not typed and well done. The good grades and praise made him love it.
• See that your child is so overrehearsed and so skilled that nothing will faze her. Practice in the same circumstances and setting as she will actually be performing the skill. Go to the baseball diamond to practice. And once your child is prepared for the arithmetic test, give him some problems to do with a time limit and that you will grade afterward. Never let an HSC go into a test or performance underprepared.
• Talk about things that can go wrong and how to handle them. Talk about mistakes and how to understand them. It is the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and your child strikes out. Discuss ahead of time that this is bound to happen at least once in every baseball career. What can your child say to herself and to others to make it bearable? (Does that seem like planting the expectation to fail? Usually, your child will have already imagined failure; you are planting the seed of coping.)
• Explain the effect of overarousal on performance and comfort. Explain that he has the skill, but nervousness (or noise, a new setting, an audience, or other overstimulation) can sometimes interfere. Tell your child this story: I knew a woman who could break world records in her sport at small contests, but could never do it at the Olympic trials. She and I had to conclude that the Olympics did not identify the best athletes, but the best athletes under conditions of very high stimulation.
• See that some of your child’s competencies are not ones that can be much affected by pressure—for example, artwork, skilled care for a pet or plants, and physical activities like long-distance running or hiking in which one meets personal goals.
• Help your child enjoy a variety of activities at a noncompetitive level—singing with you in the car or doing a play for a supportive family audience. She does not have to try out for choir or join the drama club to enjoy these. If a talent does appear, you can always encourage it, but “being a pro” is less important than enjoying.
3. Deep Inner Reactions
Although reactions subside once an HSC is familiar with a situation, during the initial processing, reactions can spiral higher. As I said in Chapter 1, because HSCs process everything more fully, they also have stronger emotional reactions. The more that a new emotional situation is experienced and its full implications and consequences imagined, the more impact it will have. That means more happiness, joy, satisfaction, contentment, and ecstasy. And more miserable feelings, too.
These intense reactions do not require a fully developed, conscious mind. They start in infancy and are present in small children, even if they cannot talk about them. Older children, who can talk about feelings, still may not be conscious of them—we all repress feelings if they seem unacceptable. These repressed feelings show up as physical symptoms or inexplicable, displaced emotions. The classic example, seen frequently by child therapists, is a child who claims to be delighted with a new little brother or sister, a reaction that the parents of course brag about to everyone. But the child is now terrified, maybe, of being eaten by dogs or using the toilet or pictures of monkeys. These weird fears go away when a wise parent or therapist gets the child to play games like the big dog eating the baby dog, followed perhaps by an honest discussion of all the different, normal feelings people have, including anger, and some of the feelings a new brother or sister can create. Some feelings we only talk about—we do not do what they make us feel like doing—but they are still okay to have.
Even when the emotions are not worrisome, like hating one’s baby sister, HSCs may not show their tumultuous inner life to the rest of the world. The introverts—70 percent of HSCs—will often keep it all inside. The intense and extroverted HSCs will express themselves more.
HSCs are often even more distressed than other children by unfairness, conflict, or suffering; for example, they may be deeply sad about the loss of the rain forests, racial injustice, or the mistreatment of animals. They tend to foresee dire consequences. They are usually quite disturbed at seeing other children teased. They lose their appetites if their parents have a fight. It is all typical stuff for children, except stronger.
Are there exceptions? Always. Some HSCs are able to develop strong self-regulation of their own emotions, perhaps even too strong. How much feeling to feel is a question all people face (although some have less choice), and the answer is often decided by culture and the family style, and particularly by what parents teach a child about emotional expression. Usually nothing needs to be said to teach an HSC to control her emotions. She senses what is wanted. For example, parents who are embarrassed or afraid of the strength of their own feelings or the feelings of their child will convey by their avoidance of emotions that feelings are best kept unexpressed. On the other hand, if an HSC lives with parents who often lose control emotionally and he has inherently strong emotional self-regulation abilities, he may decide total control is preferable to the chaos created by his parents.
We will talk more about handling strong emotions in Chapter 7, but here are some general suggestions:
Think about how you handle emotions and how you want your child to handle them. Think about each emotion: sadness, fear, love, happiness, anger, and curious excitement. Which ones were not allowed when you were growing up? Are you teaching the same lessons to your child?
Read up on “emotional intelligence.” Mary Kurcinka’s Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles is excellent for helping parents become sound emotional coaches for their children. Her book has whole lists of tips for the parents of any sort of child: For example, listen to the emotions first rather than lecture about the behaviors, teach your child what soothes and calms her, and get to know your child’s emotional cues so you can help her recognize her feelings.
Talk to your HSC about emotions. These children in particular need to be able to name what they are feeling and what might have caused it so that they can feel more in control over the inner tumult. Talk about how you have handled similar feelings.
Strive to “contain” your child’s negative emotions until your HSC can do it for herself. Ideally, you go off to a quiet place and let the child fully express the feelings while you remain calm and non-defensive. Your attitude should be “tell me more, tell me all about it, and what else, and what else.…” This full expression will allow both of you to later get at what was the real cause, and meanwhile your child can feel all that is happening inside without having to endure it alone. You will hold it with her until, with years and experience, she can hold it alone. We will consider this containing task more in Chapter 7.
Be attuned to positive emotions, too, matching their tone. You want to respond to negative emotions with attention and respect, but do respond to positive feelings equally. Do not squash your HSC’s
