The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping our children thrive when the world overwhelms them. Elaine N. Aron

       Examine your own attitude toward this trait. Research shows that almost everyone who grew up in North America has a subliminal, unconscious prejudice toward persons of color. Those who decide not to behave in a prejudiced way are those who actively override this built-in reaction. Likewise, since you grew up in a culture that thinks “sensitive, quiet” children are not as admirable, you must override this reaction for the sake of your child. And it can be quite real. Research indicates that “shy” sons, in particular, are often their mother’s least favorite child (while “shy” daughters are often encouraged to stay home and be mother’s special friend).

       Talk about the trait with your child. Acknowledge the problems it creates but also point out the assets. Some parents fear mentioning that their child is different. I had an European-American friend who adopted an African-American child, and when I sent the child a book about famous African-Americans, my friend returned it to me, telling me that they were not going to tell their child she was different! As if she hadn’t noticed. Ignoring your child’s difference will not work. Your silence will speak louder than words.

       Think through how you want to respond to comments from others, especially when your child will overhear you. Having developed some educated and clever responses, you can be almost invincible on this topic, since most people are ill-informed. You will learn how to do this in Chapter 5. Your child will use these same responses when alone with others, and also to counter self-criticisms internalized from others when you were not around.

       When your child is old enough to understand a bit more about culture and human psychology, explain about the roots and history of people’s reactions to sensitivity—how it is admired in some cultures, and that when it is not, some people, especially men, are so afraid of revealing anything like that in themselves that they become quite peculiar about it. I have been on several talk shows with macho-type hosts who seemed on the verge of nervous breakdowns while discussing this subject with me. They had weird nervous laughter, inappropriate questions, and poor concentration. They were probably reliving the day they fell down and cried and somebody blasted them with “Stop crying and act like a man instead of a mama’s boy!” Maybe you and your child can learn to enjoy these over-the-top reactions to bringing up the subject as much as I do.

       Insulate your child from undo attention, praise, or pity. On rare occasions certain people may find your child’s sensitivity in and of itself to be extraordinary. But your child did nothing special to be born sensitive and should not be overly praised for that in itself or allowed to feel superior to others. Treat pity the same way, except that it is even more uncalled for. HSCs are not to be pitied. And even if they were, what counts is what we do with the cards we are dealt.

       Even the problems have a bright side. By providing the understanding and help your child needs, you will be deeply appreciated by your HSC. Your child may even promote you to others as a saint among parents. And as you deal successfully with tough issues, in the family and from outside, you and your child can have moments of deep mutual appreciation. You will share electrifying success when you help your HSC master a fear, coming out of it even more confident than another child would. You will feel like comrades when you figure out together how to respond to teasing or prejudiced comments.

       Your child will make you more aware of everything, introducing you to beauty, nuances, social subtleties, and questions about life that you would not otherwise stop to consider. Even if you are highly sensitive, your HSC brings a child’s fresh and highly receptive outlook on the world. You will be looking up the answers to all sorts of questions, or looking inside for those that are only answered there.

       The two of you will connect in a deeper way. Of course, a connection requires two people—you will have to learn to be receptive to those moments when your child wants to be especially close and also to those times when she needs her separateness.

       You will have a child who is aware of you, both the conscious and unconscious parts, which will force you to be more aware of yourself. “Mom, why did you tell that lady you like her when you told me you don’t?” “Dad, you said you’re so tired you could drop, but now you’re sweeping the floor.”

       You will see your well-raised HSC grow up capable of amazing depths of feeling and of pleasure from the full range of beauty to be known in the outer and inner worlds. He may even express it in ways that allow others to see the treasures he has brought up from these depths.

       You will see your well-raised HSC make an exceptional contribution to the world, whether backstage or front and center. Because sensitive people are such keen observers and thinkers, they are traditionally the inventors, lawmakers, healers, historians, scientists, artists, teachers, counselors, and spiritual leaders. They are the advisers to rulers and warriors, the visionaries and the prophets. In their communities, they are often the opinion leaders, the ones others seek out on how to vote or solve a family problem. They make extraordinary parents and partners. They are compassionate and care deeply about social justice and the environment.