Simple strategies to use (and teach children to use) for dealing with problems and conflicts in a positive manner.
How to use this book
As I have already indicated, this book is designed as an ongoing self-help programme. You will probably gain most benefit from first reading it through relatively quickly and then returning to it for a second reading at a slower pace, giving yourself time to do the exercises and to try out the guidelines and suggestions.
If you are ‘in partnership’ with a co-parent, ideally it would be best if you were to work even more slowly through the book together. Rarely do two people ever fully agree on parenting issues and, to some degree, this is a fact of life (albeit an uncomfortable one) which both children and parents must learn to accept and respect. But working jointly on this programme will at least give you a chance to discuss, argue and, hopefully, agree on some basic joint strategies and approaches.
Because this book has been written quite generally for parents with children of varying ages and abilities, you may sometimes need to ‘translate’ the text and adapt the exercises to suit your specific needs, your particular children and the culture in which you are living.
Finally, I hope that once you have completed the programme you will find this book a useful and supportive reference to refer to from time to time while your children are growing up. Please remember that it should be seen first and foremost as your resource, to be adapted and modified to suit your needs. I know from my own experience that reading books like this often stimulates my thinking and creativity, so if you come up with any new ideas as you read, please keep me informed!
Introduction to this Revised Edition
People often ask me ‘which book are you most proud of?’ I always reply, without hesitation, Confident Children. This is because it was, by far, the hardest one to write. It was (and still is!) the greatest challenge to the perfectionist demon that resides within me.
I remember the day I gave the completed manuscript to my 16-year-old daughter Laura to read as though it was yesterday. I was terrified that she might not like it. Without my two daughters’ approval I knew that, even though I had put my heart and soul into the book, I would not send it off for publication. I had to know that at the very least, I had (most of the time) practised what I was preaching.
Its next major test took very much longer. It had to prove itself as a practical tool. Thankfully, the wonderful feedback which I have received from parents all over the world over the last six years has assured me that the pain of its creation was certainly worthwhile.
But, nevertheless, I approached the task of updating it with renewed trepidation. I knew that the issue of confidence building for children was becoming even more important in today’s ever-increasingly tough competitive global age. I was also aware that during the last six years, there have been many cultural changes (such as the increase in dual working parents and non-conventional family groupings), which have brought even more stress to the difficult role of parenting.
I need not have worried, however, because I have thoroughly enjoyed re-visiting and updating the book. I hope you will find this new edition helpful and motivating and that the process of nurturing your children’s confidence is as rewarding for you as it was for me.
In recent years the word ‘confidence’ seems to have acquired a fashionable ‘buzz’. Cars, computers, insurance policies, football players and even lipsticks are being sold on the basis that they are ‘confident’ performers. The word itself has acquired a variety of meanings for different people. Our first task, therefore, must be to clarify exactly what we mean when we use the word confidence in relation to people.
A very wide definition with which most people may agree might be: ‘Confident people are people who feel OK about themselves.’
For general communication purposes, this rather vague concept is quite adequate, but we soon realize its limitations when we start trying to summon up more of this important ‘OK’ stuff for either ourselves or our children. It is at this point that we realize how vital it is to have a clearer idea of what exactly we are searching for.
When I was asked to write my book Super Confidence, I was fortunately forced to do some long, hard thinking around the definition of confidence and come up with an analysis of its specific components. I did this by listing the qualities and skills I had observed in people with a higher degree of self-confidence. I have since found that this list has proved extremely useful in a number of ways. First, it has enabled me to plan and lead much more effective confidence-building programmes. Secondly, it has helped participants on my courses, and my readers, not to feel so overwhelmed by their ‘lack of confidence’ because their problem had been broken down into more manageable ‘bite-sized chunks’. Thirdly, it has proved to be an invaluable checklist. For example, when I find my own confidence ebbing (and of course it does from time to time), I can go through the list and quickly identify where the ‘weak spots’ are and then put into action a rescue plan for my own mental health!
When I started to do my ‘confidence analysis’, it soon became clear that there were in fact two fairly distinct types: inner and outer. The inner kind is the one that gives us the feeling and belief that we are OK; the outer kind enables us to appear and behave in a manner which denotes to the outside world that we are self-assured. And, because the
Inner confidence gives us the feelingand belief that we are OK
inner and outer kinds of confidence support each other, together they make for something much more powerful and effective than the sum of their parts.
Let’s now examine both kinds of confidence in more depth and see what bearing the components of each might have on the feelings, behaviour and performance of our children. As you read the next two sections, mark or note down the particular components that are of interest to you. Perhaps these might be ones which you feel need boosting or developing in your own child or children, or they may be ones which your own life experience has taught you are especially important.
What is inner confidence?
There are four main hallmarks which identify people who have a sound sense of inner confidence. These are:
