by a friend or a failed exam has the capacity to dent self-confidence – but for how long and how deep will depend very much on the kind of support that surrounds a child. I am convinced that it is the ‘handling’ of traumas and losses rather than the events themselves which plays a decisive role.
8 Rewards – although the process of developing confidence (like any other kind of learning) can in itself be exciting and rewarding, sometimes it most certainly is not. ‘Pay-offs’ for efforts and achievements while on the road to our more distant goals are often not just desirable but essential, even for the most ambitious among us. Children are certainly no exception to this pragmatic rule. The ones who are fortunate enough to receive regular and ample ‘fruits’ (and, of course, I don’t mean necessarily material benefits) for their efforts, are far more likely to retain their natural appetites for morale-boosting challenge than those who do not.
Seeing these factors listed in such a concise manner makes the nurturing task look so straightforward and easy! Perhaps it is for a small minority of Super Confident parents who themselves learned the ‘trade secrets’ from their perfect parents. But I know that my own experience of trying to provide my children with an adequate supply of the above has been the most challenging and difficult undertaking of my life. Even though my heart was certainly in the right place and, because of my professional training, my head was packed full of the right information, my actual ability to provide my children with a consistent supply of these nurturing factors remained woefully deficient for many years.
The good news is that, however difficult it is to become the kind of parents who are capable of producing confident, self-assured children, nowadays it is rarely impossible for any of us. Present day, post-Freud parents do now have a distinct advantage over those of earlier centuries. We have the tried and tested wisdom of several generations of psychologists, psychotherapists and educationalists to guide us through our parenting. But before we begin to apply this enlightened knowledge directly to our children, we must first make use of it ourselves!
‘To respond to our children’s needs we must change ourselves. Only when we are willing to undergo the suffering of such changing can we become the kind of parents our children need us to be.’
M. Scott Peck
This chapter was difficult for me to write and may well prove to be the hardest one for you to read and ‘take on board’. After all, who likes to be reminded or to be made aware of their shortcomings, especially in relation to their ‘sacred’ role as parents?! So, as you read you may need to be on your guard for defensive reactions such as denial
‘Thank goodness I’m not like that’
or intellectualizations
‘That’s a very interesting point but I’m not sure that’s quite the right word to use …’
– or, of course, paralysing guilt reactions. As a result you may (like many people do when they read parenting books!) start giving yourself a hard time and boring others with self put-downs. If you do, quickly divert your energy into a more constructive direction by trying one of the practical exercises included in this chapter.
Let’s start by examining some extremes – the saints and the sinners of the parenting world. We will look first at the positive end of the continuum. I doubt if any such paragons of perfection are actually reading this book – their children already possess superlative self-assurance and outstanding social skills! Nevertheless I am sure the vast majority of you will be able to identify some of your parenting strengths as you read the following list.
The 7 ‘saintly’ characteristics of perfect parents
1 Strength
2 Sensitivity
3 Sociability
4 Skill
