never learned how to make the best use of their inner confidence, they continually under-achieve and may subsequently become bored, disheartened and depressed.
‘I went to parents’ evening last week and was shocked to hear what the class teacher said. She wondered whether someone at home was helping Peter with his Maths homework. She said she found it difficult to believe that he could produce such a high standard of written work when in class he never seemed to know any of the answers when he was asked.
‘I was shocked because firstly, we would never actually “do” his homework for him and, secondly, we don’t need to. He usually finds it too easy – in fact he’s probably better than me at Maths now. He knows he’s really good and is already far ahead of his brother who is in the year above him. When I asked him why he doesn’t speak up in class when he knows the answer he says he can’t be bothered. I know he finds the lessons boring and says he doesn’t like Maths anyway now. It seems such a pity because that has always been his strong area.
‘He’s always been a shy boy – though not at home or with his friends. He clams up if you take him out anywhere where adults are. He’s like a different boy.’
How is confidence acquired and lost?
Nature or nurture?
Are some of us born lucky? Do some children arrive in the world with a genetic predisposition towards being confident? Many people still believe that they do. They talk about children being ‘born shy’ or ‘born leaders’. To some extent, they are right. We all arrive in the world with a predisposition to develop certain personality traits which are often divided broadly into the categories of behaviour styles – extrovert and introvert – and one could argue that, in our modern competitive culture, the more outgoing children are the more likely they are to thrive both socially and intellectually. But no doubt you have met, as indeed I have, very many ‘quietly confident’ people who are exceptions to this rule. So, although an inheritance of ‘extrovert’ genes may be an asset for some children, it certainly brings no guarantee of sound self-confidence. In fact, I am convinced that each one of us arrives in the world with a more or less similar ‘starter-package’ of basic confidence ingredients, and that we all have the personal potential to build on these foundations. In the first few weeks of life every baby I have had contact with has appeared to have good self-esteem, a positive outlook and the will (if not very sophisticated skills) to ask for what he or she wants. I only wish I could say the same of every five year old child I have met.
Such basic observations (plus of course a few years’ acquisition of more sophisticated wisdom!) have left me totally convinced that, with regard to confidence: it is not so much who we are when we are born that counts, but who we are encouraged and allowed to become.
So, the basic assumption underlying this book is that it is how we are nurtured rather than our inherited nature that is important to the development of confidence. And it is the quality of that nurturing which determines our ability to hold on to the precious sense of self-esteem we had at birth and build on our potential to become Super Confident adults.
It is not so much who we are when we are bornthat counts, but who we are encouragedand allowed to become
Nowadays the ‘nurturing’ process of children is a very lengthy and complicated process, and certainly parents do not have the sole responsibility for its progress. Children are ‘brought up’ and critically influenced not just by mothers and fathers but a seemingly endless list of other people such as childminders, teachers, youth leaders, sports coaches, step-parents – not to mention TV presenters, rock stars and advertising executives! However, in most children’s lives I believe that it is still Mum and Dad (natural or otherwise) who wield the most influential guiding power. I certainly have yet to meet anyone lacking in self-confidence whose problems cannot be traced back in some degree to ‘deficient’ parenting. No doubt in taking this line I am preaching to the converted, because dedicated opponents of this theory would hardly be motivated to read this book!
So let’s move on from the well-worn path of the nature/nurture debate and just reflect on exactly what ‘nutrients’ children need to receive in the course of their development, if their potential for self-confidence is to be exploited in full. I have found that these can be divided up into the eight main areas summarized below.
The 8 ‘nutrients’ children need
1 Love – and it’s not just quantity but excellent quality that is important. Children need to be loved consistently and unconditionally. For the development of sound, lasting self-esteem, they must feel that they are valued for who they actually are, rather than what they could be or what others would like them to be.
2 Security – fear and anxiety are perhaps the greatest enemies of confidence. Children who are constantly worried that their basic needs won’t be met, or that their emotional or physical world may be blown apart at any minute, will find it very difficult to develop a positive outlook about themselves, other people and the world in general. When children feel secure, they will automatically try to develop their potential (and therefore their confidence) through responding to challenges and taking interesting risks.
3 Role-models – teaching through example is by far the most effective way to help children develop the attitudes and social skills required for confidence. People often ask me if they are likely to pass on their fears and anxieties to their children. Of course the depressing answer is – yes, unless a strong countering influence from other significant figures is consistently experienced.
4 Relationships – to develop the confidence to relate to ‘all sorts’, children obviously need to experience and experiment in a wide range of relationships, from the close intimate ones usually found at home through to the more superficial ones with bus drivers and shop assistants, through to doctors and even vote-catching politicians! Through relationships, children also build up self-awareness and self-knowledge, which are vital ingredients of inner confidence.
5 Health – in order to make the best use of our strengths and talents we need energy! We know for example, that children who are undernourished cannot learn as effectively and are therefore unable to use their full potential. We also know that children ‘bloom’ when they are in good health – and in our society there is no doubt that good-looking children are likely to receive more morale-boosting compliments, attention and even opportunities.
6 Resources – perhaps the children of our ancestors in caves did not need money or material or educational resources in order to help them develop confidence, but we now live in an increasingly complex world. Wrong though it may be, children who have plenty of access to resources such as books, toys, musical instruments, sports facilities, extra tuition and travel certainly have an advantage over those whose options are more restricted. Such resources are not, of course, essential to the development of a core of either inner or outer confidence, but (used well and appropriately) they can certainly give both a powerful boost by providing the kind of opportunities that encourage the development of children’s potential by enabling them to use their strengths or improve their weaknesses.
7 Support – of course it is not enough to have resources alone, children need encouragement and guidance on how to use them to their best advantage. They need people who are ‘rooting’ for them to become more confident and skilful, people who will give them honest, constructive feedback both when they are doing well and when they are failing (perhaps through setting themselves unrealistic goals). Support also is an essential factor in helping children heal from the knocks to confidence that trauma,
