Everyone keeps asking me that and I have no idea. It’s weird. Rosie is pregnant. She’s only eighteen. She can barely take care of herself, let alone a baby. She smokes like a chimney and refuses to eat greens. She stays awake till 4 a.m. and sleeps till one o’clock in the day. She chose to take a job washing pots and pans at the Chinese takeaway for less money than her neighbours were offering for baby-sitting because she couldn’t stand the hassle. I don’t think she’s changed a nappy in her life. Apart from when Kevin was tiny, I don’t think she’s ever held a baby for more than five minutes. What about college? What about working? How the hell is she going to manage? How will she ever meet someone? How will she make friends? She’s just trapped herself into a life that’s her worst nightmare.
Phil: Believe me, Alex, she’ll learn. Her parents are supporting her, aren’t they? She won’t be alone.
Alex: Her mum and dad are great but they will be at work all day, Phil. She’s an intelligent person, I no that. But as much as she tries to convince me, I’m not quite sure she’s convinced herself that when the crying starts, she can’t hand this one back. If only I’d gotten on that flight and made it to the debs …
Dear Stephanie,
Let me help you find yourself. Allow my words of wisdom, from the sister who greatly loves and respects you and wishes for nothing but happiness and great fortune in your life, to rain down on you and shower you with knowledge. Please take my advice. Never get pregnant. Or enceinte, as you would say over there. Look at the word, say it out loud, familiarise yourself with it, repeat it in your head and learn to never ever want to be it.
In fact, never have sex. Might as well try to completely eradicate the odds.
Trust me, Steph, pregnancy is not pleasant. I’m not feeling at all at one with nature, I’m not radiating any sort of magical motherly signals, I’m just fat. And bloated. And tired. And sick. And wondering what on earth I am going to do when this little one is born and looks at me.
Glowing, my bum. Smouldering is more like it. Alex has started his wonderful life in college, people who were at school with me are out tasting what the world has to offer and I’m just expanding by the second, wondering what I have got myself into. I know it’s my own fault but I feel like I’m missing out on so much. I’ve been going to these antenatal classes with Mum where they teach me how to breathe. All around me I’m surrounded by couples, and they’re all at least ten years older than me. Mum tried to start me chatting with them but I don’t think any of them are too interested in becoming friends with an eighteen-year-old just out of school. Honestly, it’s like being back at playgroup and Mum trying to teach me how to make friends. She told me not to worry because they were just jealous of me. I don’t think the two of us have laughed so much for months.
I’m not allowed to smoke and the doctor says I have to start eating properly. I’m going to be a mother yet I’m still being spoken to like a child.
Lots of love,
Rosie
Mr. Alex Stewart,
You are invited to the christening of my beautiful baby daughter, Katie. It’s on the 28th of this month. Buy a suit and try and look presentable for a change, seeing as you’re the godfather.
Lots of love,
Rosie
From Alex
To Rosie
Subject Re: Christening
It was great to see you. You look amazing! And you are NOT fat! Little Katie was a girl of few words but I am already besotted with her. I almost felt like stealing her and bringing her back over to Boston.
In fact that’s a lie. I really felt like staying in Dublin. I almost didn’t get back on that flight. I love it here in Boston and I love studying medicine. But it’s not home. Dublin is. Being back with you felt so right. I miss my best friend.
I’ve met some great guys here, but I didn’t grow up with any of them playing cops and robbers in my back garden. I don’t feel like they are real friends. I haven’t kicked them in the shins, stayed up all night on Santa watch with them, hung from trees pretending to be monkeys, played hotel or laughed my heart out as their stomachs were pumped. It’s kind of hard to beat those sorts of experiences.
However, I can see that I have already been replaced in your affections. Little Katie is your whole world now. And it’s easy to see why. I even loved her when she threw up on my (new and very expensive) suit. That must mean something. It’s weird to see how much she looks like you. She has your twinkling blue eyes (I sense trouble ahead!) and jet-black hair and a little button nose. Though her bum is slightly smaller than her mother’s. Just joking!
I no that you are incredibly busy at the moment but if you ever need a break from it all, you’re welcome to come over here and relax. Let me no when you want to come – the invitation is always open. I realise things are tricky for you financially so we could help out with the cost of the flights. Mum and Dad would love you to come over too. They’ve got photos of you and Katie from the christening all around the house already.
There’s also somebody I would like you to meet when you come over. She’s in my class in college. Her name is Sally Gruber and she’s from Boston. You would both get along.
College is a lot tougher than I thought it would be. There’s just so much studying to do; so much reading. I barely have a social life. I’ve got four years here in Harvard altogether, then I’ve to do about five to seven years in a general surgical residency so I’m estimating that I’ll be fully qualified in my specialised field (whatever that will be) by the time I’m one hundred years old.
So that’s all I do here. I wake up at 5 a.m. and study. Go to college, come home and study. Every day. Not much more to report really. It’s great that Sally and I are in class together. She takes away from the feeling of dread I get every morning at having to face another day of study, study, study. It’s tough, but then I don’t need to tell you that. I bet it’s a hell of a lot easier than what you’re doing right now. Anyway, I’m going to sleep now, I’m shattered. Sweet dreams to you and baby Katie.
Note to self:
Do not bounce Katie on knee after feeding.
Do not breast-feed beside football pitch.
Do not inhale when changing nappy. In fact, allow Mum and Dad or even random strangers to change nappy as often as possible if they so wish.
Do not push buggy by old school for Miss Big Nose Smelly Breath Casey to see.
Do not laugh when Katie falls on her bum after attempting to walk.
Do not try to have conversation with old friends from school with whole lives ahead of them, as this will result in huge frustration.
Stop crying when Katie cries.
Bonjour Stephanie!
How’s my beautiful sister doing? Sitting in a café drinking a café au lait, wearing a beret and a stripy top while stinking of garlic, no doubt! Oh, who says stereotypes are dead and gone?
Thanks for the present you sent Katie. Your goddaughter says she misses you very much, and she sends lots of drool and sloppy kisses
