noise comes from. She is the tiniest and most fragile little thing I have ever seen, so that sometimes I’m afraid to hold her, but then she opens her mouth and all hell breaks loose. The doctor says she’s colicky. All I know is that she doesn’t stop screaming.
It’s amazing how something so small can be so smelly and so noisy. I think she should go into the Guinness Book of Records for being the smelliest, noisiest, smallest thing ever. What a proud mother I would be.
I’m so knackered, Stephanie. I feel like a complete zombie. I can barely read the words I’m writing (apologies for mashed banana on bottom of page, by the way – small breakfast-time accident). Katie just cries and cries and cries through the night. I have a constant headache. All I do is wander around the house like a robot, picking up teddy bears and toys that I trip over. It’s hard to bring Katie anywhere because she just screams wherever we are; I’m afraid people think I’m kidnapping her or being a terrible mother. I still look like a balloon. All I wear are the most unflattering tracksuits. My bum is huge. My stomach is covered in stretch marks; there’s all this flab that just won’t seem to go away, no matter how much I shout at it, and I’ve had to throw all my belly tops out. My hair is dry and feels like straw. My tits are HUGE. I don’t look like me. I don’t feel like me. I feel like I’m about 20 years older. I haven’t been out since the christening. I can’t remember the last time I had a drink. I can’t remember the last time a member of the opposite sex even looked my way (except the people who glare at me angrily in cafés when Katie starts to scream). I can’t remember the last time I even cared about a member of the opposite sex not staring at me. I think I am the world’s worst mother. I think that when Katie looks at me she knows that I haven’t a clue what I’m doing.
She’s almost walking now, which means I’m running around saying, ‘NO! KATIE, NO! Katie, do not touch that! NO! Katie, Mummy says NO!’ I don’t think Katie cares about what Mummy thinks. I think Katie is a girl who sees something she wants and she goes for it. I dread the teenage years! But time moves so fast that she’ll be grown up and moving out before I know it. Maybe then I’ll have some rest. But then again that’s what Mum and Dad thought.
Poor Mum and Dad, Steph. I feel so bad. They have been so fantastic. I owe them so much and I don’t just mean money. Although, there’s another depressing situation. I get benefits and all, and I’m paying them as much as I possibly can each week for our keep but it never feels like enough and you know the situation, Steph – things were always tight for us as it was. I don’t know how I’m ever going to move out and work and look after Katie. Dad and me are going to some clinic during the week to talk to some guy about putting me on a list so I can get a place of my own. Mum keeps saying that I can stay with her and Dad, but I know Dad’s just trying to help me get some sense of independence.
Mum has been fabulous. Katie loves her. Katie listens to her. When Mum says ‘NO, KATIE!’ Katie knows to stop. When I say it, Katie laughs and keeps going. When will I ever feel like a proper mum?
Alex has met someone over in Boston, she’s the same age as me and has enough brains to be studying medicine at Harvard. But is she really happy I ask myself? Anyway, I have to go. Katie is wailing for me.
Write soon.
Love,
Rosie
To Rosie
I’m glad all is well with Katie; the photos you sent of her on her third birthday are beautiful. I framed them and they’re on our mantelpiece in the house. Mum and Dad were delighted to see you when they visited Dublin last month. They can’t stop talking about you and Katie. We’re all so proud of you at having created such a perfect child.
Hope you had a happy 22nd birthday. Sorry I couldn’t make it home to celebrate with you, but things have been crazy at college. Because it’s my final year here there’s just been so much work to do. I’m dreading the exams. If I fail I don’t no what I’ll do. Sally was asking after you. Although you’ve never met, she feels like she nos you from me talking about our old times so much.
From Alex
To Alex
Katie’s teething is not as bad as it was.
Katie is starting playschool soon.
Katie said five new words today.
It was Dad’s birthday last weekend and we splashed out and went out for dinner to the Hazel restaurant where I believe you went with slutty Bethany and her rich parents all those years ago for your 18th. It was good to be able to let my hair down and relax without Katie. I hired a baby-sitter so that was my treat for the weekend.
Rosie
From Alex
To Rosie
Subject (none)
Ah come on, Rosie! You’re letting the side down! You better have something wild to tell me about next time!
From Rosie
To Alex
Subject 3-year-old child
In case you didn’t know, I have a three-year-old child, which makes it rather difficult for me to go out and drink myself silly, otherwise I wake up with an awful headache and a screaming child who needs me to look after her and NOT to be sticking my head down the toilet.
From Alex
To Rosie
Subject Sorry
Rosie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to come across as insensitive. I just meant that you should remember that you need to enjoy life too. Look after yourself and not just Katie. Sorry if I hurt you.
From Rosie
To Stephanie
Subject A moment to whinge
Oh, Stephanie, sometimes I just feel like the walls are closing in on me. I love Katie. I’m glad I made the decision I made, but I’m tired. So bloody tired. All of the time.
And that’s how I feel with Mum and Dad helping me. I don’t know how I’m going to cope on my own. And I’m going to have to do that eventually. I can’t live with Mum and Dad for ever. Although I really want to.
But I wouldn’t want Katie depending on me so much when she’s older. Of course, I want her to know that I’m here for her always and that my love is absolutely unconditional, but she needs to be independent.
And I need to be independent. I think it’s time for me to grow up now, Steph. I’ve been putting it off, running away from it for so long. Katie will be starting school soon. Imagine! It’s all happened so quickly. Katie will be meeting new people and beginning her life and I have left mine behind. I need to pick myself up and stop feeling so sorry for myself. Life is hard – so what? It’s hard for everyone, isn’t it? Anyone who says it’s easy is a liar.
As a result of all that, there’s this huge divide between me and Alex right now because I feel like we’re living in such different worlds, I don’t know what to talk about with him any more. And we used to be able to talk all night. He phones once a week and I listen to what he’s been up to during the week and try to bite my tongue
