She said she would prefer to be back in skool doing dubble matts. I don’t no what she means. Me and Toby hate skool but he always makes me laff. Mummy says she is tired of having to keep going back to my teacher Miss Casey. Grandma and Granddad think it is funny. Miss Casey has the biggest nose ever. She hates me and Toby. I do not think she likes Mum eether because they always fight when they see each other.
Mum has a new freind. They work in the same building but not in the same office. They met outside in the cold because they have to smoke outside. Mum says she is the best freind she has had for ages. Her name is Ruby and she is real funny. I like when she comes over. She and Mum are always laffing. I like it when Ruby is here because Mum doesn’t cry.
It is real sunny now in dublin. Me and Mum have been to Portmarnock Beach a few times. We get the bus out and it’s always full of people in their swimsuits, eating ice creams and with loud music. Upstairs in the bus is my favourite. I sit in the front and pretend to drive and Mum loves looking out the window at all the water on the way. I am learning to swim. But I have to keep my armbands on in the sea. Mum says she wants to live on the beach. She says she would like to live in the sea shells!
When are you coming to see us? Mummy says you are getting married to a girl named Bimbo. That’s a funny name.
Love,
Katie
You have an instant message from: RUBY.
Ruby: Hey, you, happy Monday.
Rosie: Oh, great. Hold on while I get the champagne.
Ruby: What did you do over the weekend?
Rosie: Oh, wait till you hear this! I was just dying to tell you all morning, it’s so exciting! You’ll never believe it, I—
Ruby: I sense sarcasm here. Let me guess: you watched TV.
Rosie: Introducing Ruby … and her psychic powers!! I had to listen to it with the volume blaring just to drown out the loving couple next door screaming their ears off. Some day they’re going to kill each other. I can’t wait. Poor Katie didn’t know what was going on so I sent her down to stay at Toby’s house.
Ruby: Honestly, don’t some people understand the meaning of the word DIVORCE?
Rosie: Ha ha, well, it’s a magic word for you.
Ruby: I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t make fun of a devastatingly difficult time in my life that left me feeling shattered and emotionally distraught.
Rosie: Oh, please! Getting that divorce was the happiest day of your life! You bought the most expensive bottle of champagne, we got pissed, went out clubbing and you snogged the ugliest man in the world.
Ruby: Ah well, people have their different ways of grieving …
Rosie: Have you finished typing up all that crap Randy Andy gave us?
Ruby: No, I haven’t. Have you?
Rosie: No.
Ruby: Good. Let’s take a coffee break as a reward. We really shouldn’t overwork ourselves. I hear it’s quite dangerous. Will you bring your fags? I forgot mine.
Rosie: Yep, meet you downstairs in five minutes.
Ruby: It’s a date. Gosh, how exciting. Neither of us has been on one of them for a while.
You have an instant message from: RUBY.
Ruby: Where the hell were you? I waited for you in the café for half an hour! I had to force myself to eat two chocolate muffins and a slice of apple pie.
Rosie: Sorry about that. Randy Andy here wouldn’t let me leave the office.
Ruby: Oh, he is such a slave driver! You should complain to Head Office, get the asshole fired.
Rosie: He is Head Office.
Ruby: Oh yeah.
Rosie: Well, in all fairness, Ruby, he may be a prick but we did just take a break an hour ago … and it was our third one in less than three hours …
Ruby: You are turning into one of THEM!
Rosie: Ha ha. I have a child to feed.
Ruby: As do I.
Rosie: That child feeds himself, Ruby.
Ruby: Ah, leave my little fatso alone. He’s my baby and I love him regardless.
Rosie: He’s seventeen.
Ruby: Yes, and old enough to have a baby of his own, going by your standards …
Rosie: Well, he’ll be fine as long as he doesn’t go to his school ball with the most uninteresting man in the world, with the ugliest face. That way he won’t have to drink a sickening amount of alcohol to trick the brain into thinking that man is beautiful and funny and … well, you know the rest.
Ruby: Are you suggesting that my son could perhaps have a gay relationship at his debs?
Rosie: No! I was just saying—
Ruby: Oh, I know what you were saying, except I think that my poor darling son may be the exact person that girls will have to drink excess amounts of alcohol just to love.
Rosie: RUBY!! You can’t say that about your son!!
Ruby: Why not? I love him with all my heart but, bless him, he wasn’t born with his mother’s looks. Anyway, so when are you going to ever go out with someone, anyone?
Rosie: Ruby, we are not having this conversation again. Everyone you have tried to set me up with has been a complete weirdo! I don’t know where you meet these men and in fact I don’t think I even want to know, but after last weekend I can assure you that I’m never going to Joys again. Anyway, you can’t talk. When exactly was the last time you went out on a date?
Ruby: Ah, that’s a very different matter altogether! I’m a woman ten years your senior who has just been through a very difficult divorce from a selfish little bastard of a man and I have a seventeen-year-old son who only communicates with me in monosyllabic grunts. I think he is the son of an ape (actually, I know he is). I have no time for a man!
Rosie: Well, neither do I.
Ruby: Rosie honey, you’re twenty-six years old, you’ve got at least ten years of your life left before it’s over. You should get out there and enjoy yourself, stop letting the weight of the world rest on your shoulders; that’s my job. And stop waiting for him.
Rosie: Stop waiting for who?
Ruby: For Alex.
Rosie: I don’t know what you’re talking about! I am not waiting for Alex!
Ruby: Yes you are, my dear friend. He must be some man because
