She clung to that thought. ‘She loved her partner and couldn’t imagine a life without him, I expect.’
‘It’s all part of it, isn’t it?’ He shrugged. ‘The abuser makes his victim so dependent on him that she finds it impossible to imagine not being with him.’
‘Or her. There are men who are victims of abuse too.’
‘True, although not as many men suffer abuse as women do.’
‘No.’ Eve swallowed, feeling sick. It always happened whenever she had to admit that she was a victim of abuse. Oh, she might know that she was, but knowing it and admitting it were two very different things.
‘How did it start?’ Ryan prompted, and she forced the nausea down. Now that she had got this far, she wanted to carry on to the end, surprisingly enough.
‘Exactly as you read about it in all the textbooks.’ She gave a little laugh and he laughed too and it made her feel better, as though they were in this together. It was such a crazy idea that she immediately dismissed it. Ryan wasn’t part of this and he never would be. She was the one who had to learn to cope, to live, to forgive herself.
‘Damien was so charming, so funny, so sexy, and I was completely smitten. I never realised how controlling he was until it was too late.’ She shrugged. ‘I found it touching that he wanted to see me every night, that he hated me going out with friends, that he loathed us being apart. I thought it showed his vulnerable side and that’s something a lot of women find attractive. I certainly did.’
‘So when did you realise that it wasn’t vulnerability that was making him behave that way?’
Ryan’s voice sounded deeper and she shivered. Was her story getting to him? Was he really thinking how stupid she’d been to be taken in? She tried not to let the idea take hold but it was hard when it was what she herself believed.
‘It was a gradual process. Damien started to object whenever I said I was going out so, to keep the peace, I stopped making arrangements to see my friends. Then, because I always refused to go out with them, they stopped asking me.’
‘So he got what he wanted? He isolated you. Classic behaviour, as you said.’
‘Exactly.’ She managed a little smile. ‘I should write a paper on this, shouldn’t I? Only I doubt it would make any difference. Far too many women are as gullible as me.’
‘It’s not gullible to believe that someone loves you. It’s what everyone wants, to love and be loved.’
‘Is that what you want?’ she asked before she could think better of it.
‘Probably.’
‘But you never went out with anyone for more than a couple of months, did you? You had quite a reputation for playing the field.’
‘Did I?’ He shrugged but she knew that he had taken her comment to heart and wished she hadn’t said anything. She had enough to do with sorting out her own life without trying to find out what made Ryan tick.
The thought that there was something behind his behaviour was intriguing. She had to make a determined effort to dismiss it. ‘Anyway, once Damien had control of my social life, he set about controlling my working life too.’
Eve stopped and took a deep breath as the full impact of that statement assailed her. Losing her friends had been bad enough, but losing her career had been so much worse. She had thrown everything away, given in to the threats and the coercion because she’d been afraid of upsetting Damien. All those years of study, of hard work and determination had been reduced to nothing because she had been a coward.
‘In what way did he take over your working life?’
Ryan’s voice grated and Eve steered her thoughts away from herself. Although she wanted him to know the truth, she didn’t want it to have a detrimental effect on him too. It was enough that her life had been blighted by her stupidity.
‘Oh, it was pure textbook stuff once again,’ she said with an insouciance she didn’t feel. ‘You know, the odd comment that made me doubt my judgement or a look that implied I was mistaken. Damien often conducted ward rounds, if you remember. The consultant was rarely there so there were dozens of opportunities when he could belittle me. And he made the most of them, believe me.’
‘I never realised.’ Ryan frowned. ‘I can remember him being rather sharp with you a few times but I thought he was trying to make it appear that he didn’t favour you. Everyone knew you two were an item and I assumed he didn’t want anyone complaining that you had an unfair advantage.’
‘No chance of that.’ She smiled bitterly. ‘I was never going to get a boost up the career ladder if Damien had anything to do with it.’
‘It must have been a nightmare for you, Eve. Did you never think of telling anyone?’
‘No. By the time I realised what was happening, it was too late. I was too ashamed of letting myself be sucked in and too afraid of Damien to speak out.’
Ryan stared at his coffee. He was gripping the mug so hard that the bones in his hands gleamed white through his skin. He forced himself to relax his grip, afraid that he would crush the china, not that it mattered. What did a broken cup matter? Eve had been put through the wringer and spat out the other side and he’d been so intent on making sure that he didn’t get involved that he’d allowed it to happen. Even though he’d had no idea what had been going on, he would never get over the guilt he felt for letting her down.
‘I’m sorry, Eve. I know it’s too late, but I’m really and truly sorry I wasn’t there for you.’ He looked up, met her eyes, and felt worse than ever. She had needed him and he had failed her; what sort of a person did that make him?
‘You weren’t to know, Ryan. I made sure you didn’t know, in fact.’ She gave a hoarse little laugh. ‘I became extremely adept at concealing the evidence.’
‘You mean the bruises?’ Ryan heard the disgust in his voice, not at what she had done by hiding the evidence but at what had been done to her, although he realised too late that it was what she thought.
‘Yes, although Damien was careful not to hit me where it showed most of the time.’
Ryan couldn’t bear it. He simply couldn’t bear to hear her sounding so apologetic. She was the victim. And she was the one who should be reaping all the apologies.
‘Obviously a man of many talents,’ he said roughly, pushing back his chair. He went over to the kettle, although he doubted if he could drink any more coffee without it choking him. Still, he had to do something, had to take the edge off the moment and make it more bearable for her.
She had been so brave to tell him what she had. He had dealt with other victims of abuse and he knew how hard they found it to speak about their experiences. There was all the shame as well as the misplaced guilt, the thought that somehow they had brought it upon themselves. He couldn’t bear to think that Eve believed she was responsible for what had happened to her, although he wouldn’t be surprised if she did.
He swung round. ‘What happened wasn’t your fault, Eve. You do understand that?’
‘Yes and no.’ She shrugged, avoiding his eyes as she stared at point above his
