harder to please him?3 Tell him to stick his job up his derriere?
Exactly, now had your boss taken you aside and talked his complaints through face to face, calmly, more diplomatically, and asked your opinion on how to improve things, don’t you think it would have made a difference?
When your children were toddlers they had their own ideas and opinions, so obviously ten to twelve years down the line they have a few more which, regardless of whether you may or may not agree with them, you must respect. Whether it’s clothes, music, friends or politics, they are entitled to form their own individual thoughts, even if you suspect they have been influenced by their friends, a particular celebrity, or a music video.
These years are the final push for teenagers towards becoming independent and leaving home to lead their own lives and it is a difficult time for many parents. Every aspect of their lives to date we have been heavily involved in, whether it was choosing the hand-embroidered smock dress or where they went to school, the parents’ choice prevailed. But now your child no longer thinks your input is needed (apart from monetary and chauffeuring) it’s hard to just sit back and let them make their own choices. But you simply must not try to quash or comment on every aspect of their lives.
The more we show our respect and trust in our teenagers the more they will reward us with their responsibility, and the more responsible they are the less stressed we are. They will soon realize that by showing us how responsible they are, they can have more freedom of choice.
The first time my son wanted to go to London on public transport I was concerned he was too young, but he said all his friends travelled on their own. So I relented, but asked that he ring me when he was just getting on the train, when he arrived in London and when he met up with his friends, and the same on his return. As he stuck to the agreement, it was fine and he was soon a regular commuter.
Explain to your teenagers that we want them to go and see their friends and have a good time, but our main concern is for their safety, and it is for that reason that we need to know where they are going and who they will be with.
And we do expect them to ask if they would like to go out or need a lift, with as much warning as possible.
Teenagers will rebel against lecturing, preaching, orders and being judged. Talk to them adult to adult. Even as adults they must realize that there are still rules and that there will be consequences if the rules are broken. For instance, if your teenager overspends on his mobile phone allowance, he will lose the use of it for a week. Although punishing teenagers can be tricky, if you start threatening an older teenager that they can’t go out at the weekend they can walk out. If you cut down their allowance they might steal, and physical punishment is bullying, rarely has any affect and can lead to a physical struggle.
This is why it is important for teenagers to be given responsibility for their own actions. For example, if they leave their bike outside instead of putting it in the garage, and it gets stolen, it won’t be replaced. As a parent you can be sympathetic, ‘What a shame, there are so many dishonest people around, I’ll get you up earlier for school as unfortunately you’ll have to walk now, darling,’ not the moaning, usual, ‘I told you not to leave it out, I told you this would happen, now I’m going to have to get another one, do you think I’m made of money?’
Sam: ‘I do understand why parents get worried, but most times I wanted to do something that my parents were worried about, I would point out that I keep out of trouble and I am responsible. Sometimes I say, “Mum, you know you can trust me,” because she can, and she lets me go.’
how to avoid arguments
Try and avoid head to head arguments. All they will achieve is bad feeling on both sides. Arguments often end up with shouting, unnecessary name-calling and accusations that both parties will later regret. Keep calm, don’t swear, don’t bring up past problems, respect and listen to what your child has to say. While your child is talking resist the temptation to interrupt, accuse or judge. Listen properly and respond. Always remember that you are the adult and they are the child, although I would strongly advise you never to point this out to them.
With any issue, sit down privately with your teen and work out between you a compromise that you are both happy with. For instance, if your teenager came home late without letting you know, instead of shouting, ‘What sort of time do you think that was to come in? You are so irresponsible, you’re not going out for a week,’ try sitting down with them and explaining, ‘I was so worried when you were late. You’re a responsible person so please in future just ring me to let me know. And make sure your mobile is on so I can ring you.’
When you raise an issue with them, just stick to one thing at a time. If the immediate problem is poor results in recent school exams, discuss why and ways to solve it, don’t drag in other issues…your room is always untidy…you don’t help enough around the house. And avoid trying to get too personal, as that is not treating your children with the respect they deserve and you can hardly blame them for arguing back at you. Just as with small children, it is necessary to be clear that it is not the child who displeases but their behaviour or attitude you are not keen on.
Continually telling your teenager how awful they are is likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy for them. However, if you tell them they are responsible and that you trust them, they are far less likely to let you down. Once they start going out with their friends, let them know what your expectations of them are, and what sort of an allowance they can have. Acknowledge that they may be drinking but to be sensible and not to come home and vomit in the hall. And if they do, they can clear it up.
Boys are not very good at arguing with any verbal dexterity and usually resort to name-calling or aggression to make their point, whereas girls are quite verbal and usually throw in a measure of emotion as well. Avoid being dragged into a drawn-out argument. The argument will usually be about something the teenager wants to do and the parent says, ‘No.’ First, the parent should listen calmly to the reasons put forward by the teenager as to why they should be able to do this certain thing, if necessary asking questions, and if the parent is absolutely positive their reply will still be ‘No,’ then the parent should tell them so, along with any reasons for coming to the decision. If you are in this situation, explain calmly, even apologize, that on this occasion the matter is no longer open for negotiation. Walk away. The matter is closed. Whatever the child replies, from cries of, ‘You’re so unfair,’ to nastier name calling, you must not get dragged back in to the argument. Not unlike toddlers whose parents finally give in to their tantrums, teenagers will soon learn if they have the type of parents who will (after enough whining and moaning) change their mind. This will only lead to parents literally being bullied into changing their minds in the future. It is possible, of course, that circumstances may change (for instance, a friend’s parent can give them a lift after all) which therefore eliminates the reason for the refusal. In this case, explain why you have had a change of mind.
A successful way to avoid the risk of an argument is to, whenever possible, hand the prerogative to the teenager, give them the responsibility for their own actions and immediate destiny. Get them to agree that they can go out with their friends but only after their history homework is finished. Then if the history homework fails to be done, they only have themselves to blame. If they start screaming and shouting, simply point out that they knew what the consequences were, the responsibility was theirs; this is what they agreed. End of story.
When one parent is engaged in ‘discussions’ with their teenager, it is imperative that the other parent doesn’t get involved, especially if they are going to contradict what is already being said. Not only will this demean any parental authority and allow the teenager to see one parent as more
