Billy, I certainly can’t get through to him.’ Or ‘I don’t know why Billy can’t have his hair the same length as yours instead of all over his face.’ Comments like these will not only annoy and upset your own child but embarrass their friend.
You need to gain your teenager’s trust that you can be amongst their friends and neither do nor say anything embarrassing. And don’t be surprised when your teenagers don’t want to be seen in public with you. It’s not personal.
In my late teens a good friend of mine was distraught that her boyfriend had left her and the mere mention of his name would set her off in floods of tears. As she was coming to our home for supper I primed my parents not to say anything about it to her, but to talk of other things. They both guaranteed they wouldn’t mention it. As soon as she arrived, the first thing my father said to her was, ‘Hello Nicky, where did it all go wrong, then?’
Another time when I was sixteen, a guy I had fancied for months finally asked me to dance at a nightclub and drove me home. In our drive he had just leaned over for the kiss I had dreamt about for months when my father started flashing the outside light, then appeared in his pyjamas beckoning for me to go in. I was so embarrassed I could have died. I stormed past him and he seemed genuinely surprised that I was angry. Fathers!
Having Their Friends Around to Your Home
If you work at having a good relationship with your teenagers, they are more likely to bring their friends home. Actively encourage this so that you get to know your teenager’s friends, and when your children are at your home with their friends, you know exactly where they are and with whom (two big worries out of the way!).
However, don’t be surprised if when you first suggest they have some friends over they may be a bit hesitant because they don’t want to be embarrassed (by you) and they still want to appear cool, so before they come around it’s best to talk to your teenager about the visit to avoid any pitfalls. Don’t forget, as this is your home and your domain, when your teenager has friends over, you will be the one doing most of the compromising.
First, explain to your teen what you would expect. Point out where their friends can put their coats and shoes (you may be a parent who doesn’t want six pairs of size 10 trainers on your front doormat), that you would like to meet the friends, so before they disappear into a room they could pass by the kitchen to be introduced. Explain that you do not want to hear foul language emanating from their room which should be enough of a warning to make sure your teen keeps his or her friends under control.
WATCHING TV, CHILLING OUT
Whether they are going to watch TV or just chill out and listen to music, allocate a room for them, perhaps your teenager’s bedroom if it’s big enough or, if you’re feeling generous, the sitting room. If it’s going to be the bedroom, help your teenager pick up the clothes off the floor and give them some extra cushions or pillows to make it more comfortable for everyone.
Reassure them that you will not just barge in to the room, and that if you need to speak to them you will knock and wait, so under no circumstances will they lock their door. Discuss how loud they can have their music which will be acceptable to all. Explain to younger children that their older sibling will be having friends over and they can say hello, but they are to leave them in peace, and suggest that you can do something together.
FOOD AND DRINK
Tell your teen that you will supply some pizza/sandwiches/snacks and drinks.
Depending on their ages you may like to offer low-alcohol or normal beer. If they are going to have plates, glasses or mugs in the room, simply ask your teen if they would be kind enough to put them in the kitchen by the sink or in the dishwasher before they go. Make sure the waste bin is empty and tell your teen to make sure everyone puts their empty cans, crisp and snack wrappers in it. As it’s your home, you may certainly insist on a smoking or alcohol ban in or out of your property.
When the friends arrive and come to say, ‘Hello,’ shake their hands and be welcoming, do not say anything to embarrass or demean your teenagers or their friends, as this is a sure-fire way of them never inviting anyone back again.
If, for any reason, you are unhappy once they are in the house, for instance the music is much louder than you agreed or you can hear swearing, knock on the door and ask for your teen to come out for a minute to see you, then explain the problem and ask them to rectify it. Once again, under no circumstances barge into the room and turn the music or TV off in front of them.
Make sure you say, ‘Goodbye,’ with a smile and not a scowl, and more than likely they will all thank you. Never say anything crass such as, ‘I hope you all had a good time, Billy was so worried about having you all over, but now you can see we’re not as bad as you thought, I hope you come again.’ ‘Goodbye, great to meet you all,’ is enough.
How They Should Behave in Their Friends’ Homes
Regardless of how your teenager’s friends behave at your house, your concern is, how do your teenagers behave when they are in their friends’ homes? Surprisingly, even quite young children, if they have been taught correctly at home, will behave extremely well in other people’s homes. But as with most areas of their lives, teenagers should take on that little bit more responsibility. For instance, when they first arrive they should make the effort to go and see the parents, shake hands and ask how they are. If one parent is out but returns later and comes to say ‘hello’ when they are sitting down, they should stand up to shake hands.
If they have been invited for supper to their friend’s house, remind them about their table manners and suggest that they help clear the table and offer to wash up. And if they stay the night ask the mother if she would like them to strip the bed. If she declines, they should leave the bed either made or turned down neatly.
It goes without saying that your teens must thank their hosts verbally or, depending on the situation, write a short letter of thanks.
parties for thirteen to fifteen year olds
In a way this is a harder age to please than sixteen pluses. Sixteen pluses want alcohol, music and the opposite sex. Many thirteen to fifteen year olds want exactly the same but for moral and legal reasons they can’t have it, so an alternative needs to be found. They may also still be at the age where they want to invite the whole class, but personally that’s not a good idea. Small is manageable. So unless your children come up with some workable ideas, offer some suggestions. For instance, you will treat six friends to the cinema, pizza supper and let them sleep over. Even at this age they may start asking if boys can sleep over, and your decision may well depend on your nervous system, the size of your house and compliance. If you agree, make it quite clear, boys in one room and girls in another. As a parent holding a mixed sleep-over you have a responsibility to the other parents to try and avoid the risk of exposing their children to sexual activity.
parties for sixteen years upwards
The inevitable time will come when you hear the words you knew you would always dread: ‘Can I have some friends round for a party?’ Your immediate thoughts will be of cigarette burns all over the furniture, gate-crashers, flour, beer and vomit all over the floor, broken basins and cisterns and the police being called to break up the public disturbance. So before you hit the ‘Absolutely not, do you think I’m mad?’ button, take three deep breaths and ask them to come
