and child can soon become a full-on argument between the two parents.
respecting their privacy
One of the first noticeable differences when your children become teenagers is their need for privacy and you will be showing your respect by allowing them this. Boys especially can spend hours on end in their room. However hard it is to accept they will suddenly want to spend time alone in their room, with their music, the very last thing they want is a parent barging into their room unannounced. Even siblings barging in will get shouted at, but your teenager will be far less impressed if you show up unannounced.
The respectful way is to knock on their door and announce who it is and ask if you can go in. WAIT for a reply – just because you have knocked does not mean you
Respect their privacy
can enter. They will usually reply, ‘Yes,’ or ‘Just a minute.’ If the reply is ‘No,’ and you need to speak, ask if they could come to the door and say what you need through the gap. Don’t start whining, ‘What are you doing in there that I can’t see?’ or ‘Why can’t I come in?’ You asked the question, respect the answer. But if you can smell smoke or dope, ask them to come and see you (privately) in five minutes and then discuss it – don’t bother to mention what it concerns as they will have time to invent replies.
Make sure all siblings know this house rule and obey it. And, of course, you should expect the same courtesy if any of your children want to come into your bedroom.
Sam: ‘This can be a real issue and every teenager wants their privacy. I have many friends who get into huge arguments with their parents when they step in unannounced or knock and just barge in. It is totally disrespectful and kind of gives the impression that parents don’t trust you. This is a really unnecessary cause of arguments.’
Diaries
Girls very often keep diaries to write down their feelings they may not wish to share with anyone else, including their parents, regardless of how close and open their relationship is as a family. Parents should never read their teenager’s diary, however tempted they may feel. They may well read things that were written in a moment of stress or haste that will alarm them enough to prompt them to ask their child about its contents. As soon as they do the child will know that their parent has read their private diary. Regardless of the raised voices and arguments that will undoubtedly ensue, the trust between the parent and their child will have been broken. The result will be the teenager hiding their diary and being even more secretive than usual.
Fran: ‘My real mum once read my diary, and then to make it worse, quoted comments from it in front of a big group of her friends. There was nothing that bad in it but the fact that she invaded my privacy like that really upset me.’
how to behave with friends
How Your Teenagers Should Behave with Your Friends
By the time your children are teenagers, good manners and behaviour should certainly be second nature.
If your teenagers are sitting watching TV or working at the computer and you enter with someone new for them to meet, they should stop what they are doing, stand up, shake hands and introduce themselves. As the parent you will probably add something about the visitor which your children should pick up on and ask a relevant question. If it is a family friend they should again stop what they are doing, stand up, either shake hands or kiss and make the effort to ask how they are or enquire if they’ve been on holiday and if so did they have a good time.
Sons and daughters should, without having to be asked, help lady guests and even men guests with their coats.
If a family friend visits and the parents are out, your teenagers should ask if they would like a soft drink or a cup of tea and talk to them until their parents return, not leave them on their own whilst they return to the TV.
Explain to your teens how important it is to show an interest in the person they are talking to and not just talk about themselves. It is also worth mentioning that at parties, however boring the person is they are talking to, they must keep eye contact and not let their eyes wander around looking for someone more interesting. To extricate themselves from the ‘party bore’ (which is usually the person who has nothing to say or only talks about themselves or their pet subject) rather than just walk off, they should politely say, with a smile, how enjoyable it was to talk to them and that they hope to see them later (not adding that this will preferably be from a distance).
How Teenagers Should Respect Their Friends
There is no time more important than adolescence for your teens to have friends. Teenage friends have tremendous influence over each other; they are like a halfway house between parents and being completely independent and replace parents in many areas. They discuss everything with their friends and look to their friends for approval, support and loyalty. Adolescents think alike, feel alike and they understand what each is going through. Friends don’t stand in judgement as some parents do; they allow their friends just to be themselves. And teenagers need someone to share their innermost thoughts, feelings and anxieties with.
Thirteen and fourteen year olds crave popularity at school and acceptance by their circle of friends. Girls’ relationships with their girlfriends are very emotional and that is the reason they can become so nasty and jealous. But this stage usually passes by the time they are fifteen and they settle into more relaxed, respectful relationships.
If your teenager seems worried about a friend of theirs, try and get them to discuss it with you and offer some helpful advice. If there is a suspicion that the friend has a problem with drugs or alcohol, suggest ways in which your teenager can help and remind them that ignoring the problem is never helping.
Teenagers tend to be very loyal to each other but if your child starts moaning to you about someone in particular, try and work out with your teen why that person is behaving in that way. After all, they are going to have a lifetime of meeting and working with people, so discussing why people behave the way they do is fairly interesting and sometimes quite intriguing.
How You Should Behave with Their Friends
Although teenagers may remark that other friend’s parents are ‘so cool’ or ‘legends’, or that youngish mothers who wear even…‘younger’ clothes look ‘hot’ or ‘fit’, what they actually want their own parents to be is ‘normal’. ‘Normal’ is wearing normal clothes, not trying to look too fashionable or too young or even worse, too trendy. ‘Normal’ is ordinary language, not trying to talk in da lingo of teenagers and not trying to act or speak hip in front of their friends.
Treat their friends with respect, be polite and friendly, don’t make embarrassing comments or criticize and don’t reveal any information that your teenagers may have told you about them or ask any embarrassing questions. And don’t disclose anything that you have been told about anyone else by your teenagers to your friends.
As for your own children, never say anything to their friends about an incident relating to them, their behaviour, anything they said about anyone else or anything that could be construed as embarrassing. Another ‘no-no’ is to put
