great imbalances seldom are tolerated without consequence.
Whenever the doorway to any subject or issue is closed or off-limits, we remain trapped on the other side, without access to what might be possible, including solutions, understanding, and healing. Taboos are the breeding ground for fear, limitation, misunderstanding, and pain. Until we pry open the door and begin to explore the taboo subject of money, we remain imprisoned in systems that keep us stuck, fearful, and contracted. Once it’s opened, we can begin to explore and discover new possibilities. We can learn new ways of being that are more expansive and allow us to feel safe enough to reflect and respond in healthier, more life-affirming ways.
In most families, when we are relatively young, money is established as a system of punishment and reward. This is where some of our money patterns and flawed beliefs take root. At the core of this is the gradual forming of an underlying belief that only if and when we are “good” are we worthy of receiving money. In sharp contrast, when we are “not good” or perhaps even told that we are “bad,” we can develop the flawed belief that we must be unworthy of having or receiving money. I believe that people keep an unconscious tab of the things they’ve done wrong in their life that serve as evidence of why they have not experienced more money, success, or happiness. This unconscious checks-and-balances system is deeply flawed, simply because, as human beings, we are always worthy. If you are here, you were given the gift of life for a reason, and therefore you must be worthy of all life’s possible expressions, including money.
When money (not unlike food, one of our other addictions) becomes a bargaining chip that parents use to get their children to behave and conform to their needs and desires, much can go wrong. This form of parenting can create a pattern of contradiction and confusion that is challenging for a child to understand and integrate. Another unpleasant side effect of this unconscious and seemingly benign form of manipulation is that those children may grow up to become adults who easily confuse their self-worth with their net worth. They may come to expect and believe that they get what they “deserve” or “do not deserve,” which is a direct reflection of their value and self-esteem. Virginia Satir, one of the leading pioneers of family therapy, wrote, “Every word, facial expression, gesture, or action on the part of a parent gives the child some message about self-worth.”
The person we grow into as an adult is largely shaped by what is referred to in money coaching as the unconscious inheritance — the money patterns of our family of origin, which are often fraught with conflict and contradictory behaviors.
We all need, require, and deserve food, shelter, love, and, yes, even money, to feel secure, grow, and thrive. These basic needs should never be given or withheld conditionally. When money (or food, shelter, or safety) is conditionally given to us or withdrawn, we can begin to believe that we are somehow not enough or are unworthy, which can damage our core self-esteem. It is critical to understand that while most parents don’t intend to harm their children in this manner, unconscious parenting does often produce a harmful result. I see signs of this every day in my practice, and know too many adults who feel unworthy of having money or can have only just “enough” because their self-esteem will not allow them to imagine the possibility of more. This is the main reason why poverty is so deeply entrenched and difficult to overcome. Many people simply do not possess the container for a greater financial reality. Most people clearly want more money. Unfortunately, many do not possess the belief that they are worthy of it. This may explain why nine out of ten lottery winners spend or lose all their winnings within five years. For people with these unconscious money patterns, acquiring a great deal of money only serves to make matters worse.
By the time we reach adulthood, form relationships, and marry, our personal and financial self-esteem is already completely formed. Whatever modeling or messages we may have received have become hardwired patterns in the brain that are habitual and unconscious. We don’t know much about this aspect of ourselves or our mates until we marry or live with each other and begin to share and experience money together. Imagine this scenario: You’re a newlywed wife and have just spent a fortune on your wedding, the happiest day of your life. In fact, you’ve just returned from a marvelous honeymoon in Hawaii. The two of you couldn’t be happier. A week later, the bills for your wedding and honeymoon arrive, and your dear husband hits the ceiling over unanticipated expenses. He becomes irate and blames you for not paying attention and overspending. He tells you, “I guess it’s going to have to be me who handles the money from now on because you clearly are not capable! You’re out to lunch when it comes to money! What do think — we’re made of money?” You are startled and confused. You’ve never seen your man act like this! You feel ashamed and also angry. What is he so mad about? you wonder. It’s only money, and we have more than enough! You feel very wounded and unsafe. From that day forward, you begin to hide your spending out of fear of your husband’s anger and reactivity. And poof — there goes the intimacy! Both of you have become defensive, and now there is an invisible distance between you that grows larger with each secret purchase you make.
So what happened? With barely a blink, your husband unconsciously took on the role of his father (“I have to be the man and control the ship!”). And guess what? It’s beginning to feel like the good old days, back at home with your father, the money tyrant who gave and withheld money and love based on whether or not you were good! Suddenly you have become the compliant wife on the outside and a rebellious teenager on the inside. Déjà vu? No, you both just became triggered by past wounds and unconsciously slipped into prescribed roles and money patterns with each other. The foundations of your patterns were laid long ago. They were silently and opportunistically waiting to meet up again in holy matrimony, where all of our deepest issues become triggered. Fortunately, there is help and hope for every couple willing to do the work.
Free Will and Money
Not only do we all need and deserve financial intimacy and security, but it is our birthright! We live in an abundant universe, and if we learn how to manage our resources more wisely, surely we should be able to find a way to properly support the basic needs of every human being on our planet. If this is true, why do so many feelings of fear and scarcity exist? The primary reason, in my observation, is that people live perpetually between two contradictory cycles: fear and greed. When the world feels safe and secure, we’ll spend like there’s no tomorrow, to the point of excess, greed, and overconsumption. The flip side of this occurs the minute our inner landscape gets triggered and we feel fearful or financially at risk. At this point, most people become emotional, impulsive, or reactive and begin to hold on to and protect whatever they have. People around the world experience this every day, even when there is no clear or present danger.
This cycle is emotional, not rational, and it is created by three overlapping factors: (1) the collective unconscious, in which the software program we came preloaded with has sectors that are infected by the money challenges brought down through the ages; (2) our hardwired brain patterning (caused by the phenomenon first identified by Donald Hebb, a Canadian neuropsychologist, and often paraphrased as “neurons that fire together, wire together”), which is formed in the brain during early childhood through our individual experiences; and (3) our basic biology, which automatically kicks in whenever we feel fearful or threatened. Remember studying about our prehistoric ancestors? Well, there’s still a piece of them inside all of us, and it’s called the primitive brain. We have not evolved beyond this dimension because we still need this part of the brain to get ourselves out of danger quickly when our safety is at risk. But we are prone to projection and often let our fears get the best of us. We tend to imagine the worst and worry without true cause, which only creates more fear and anxiety. Consequently, we tend to live our lives largely in fear of what might happen rather than experiencing what is actually happening, which is truly unfortunate.
The human brain is highly vulnerable to stress, and when we’re worried about finances and money, it becomes flooded with cortisol, the stress hormone. Similar to when we flood the carburetor with too much gas, having too much cortisol in the brain can cause us to malfunction and reduces our ability to effectively problem
