faith that he can choose to do something else; and (3) he doesn’t believe that he deserves to have what he wants, which is the heart of his problem.
Unfortunately, we often mistakenly believe that having more money is the cure to fixing or changing whatever isn’t working in our life. Our tendency to focus on money as the problem and/or solution is really only a clever distraction from looking at the real problem. Beyond letting us meet our basic needs of food, shelter, and safety, money is seldom the answer to our life’s problems and circumstances. Although having more money might help initially, if we haven’t solved the underlying issues, then simply having more money often makes matters worse. We don’t need to look very far to see evidence of wealthy people who have very big money issues.
In challenging financial times, I think it’s important to focus not on the lack of money flowing into our lives but rather on what inside of us needs tending to and healing. As we are willing to step up and address what’s really wrong, both in our economy and in our own personal finances, we can begin to solve the real problems. This book provides a road map for identifying and healing your relationship with money, individually and as a couple. Money coaching is a step-by-step process that can help you to discover how you are hardwired around money in ways that you may not be fully aware of. We all have money patterns and behaviors that create stress, anxiety, and fear, and that are contradictory to creating the personal and financial life we desire. If we don’t know what these patterns are, how can we possibly change them? The money coaching processes used in this book will help you to do the following:
• Discover your money types and understand the impact they have on your life, your relationship, and your finances. (There are eight different money types, which will be explored further in chapter 3. You can also take the Money Type Quiz on my website, www.MoneyCoachingInstitute.com.)
• Understand how your money patterns were formed in your family of origin and what you can do to change them.
• Remove unconscious obstacles or blocks that may be limiting your financial potential.
• Learn how to communicate and work more effectively with your spouse and family members around money issues.
• Learn new tools and strategies to change how you think, feel, and act with regard to money and personal finances.
• Develop new awareness, self-understanding, and peace of mind through creating a balanced life together — personally and financially.
Meaningful and sustainable change of any kind can take place only under certain conditions. In money coaching, we identify these conditions as follows:
1. Developing an understanding and new level of awareness of our core money patterns
2. The willingness to change, which involves doing something new and different from what we’ve been doing
3. Implementing new tools and behavior strategies
4. Accountability and action to create meaningful and lasting change
Remember, we were not given the proper training and education we needed to be financially successful, which often means that we have some unlearning to do before we can create and implement the new learning. Through our inner work and perseverance, we can begin to heal the money wounds that have caused us to become confused about what really matters. Money is a tool and powerful resource, but it is not something to make your life about, nor is it ever going to keep you warm at night or comfort you when you feel sad or lonely. Money cannot buy you anything that you really need outside of food and shelter. We forget that those who came before us lived for millions of years with little else and seem to have managed (albeit not as comfortably!).
Our money issues can, however, cause us to become confused about what really matters. They can lead us to believe that we need more than we do; make us desire things over people and our planet; and at times, when we are fearful, cause us to forget that, in the end, the only thing that can heal us or save us is love. As we begin to heal our lives and our relationships, we increase our capacity to create a far better, more financially mindful and sustainable world.
YOUR MONEY STORY AND PERSONAL MYTHOLOGY
The experiences and illuminations of childhood and early youth become in later life the types, standards and patterns of all subsequent knowledge and experience.
— ARTHUR SCHOPENHAUER, quoted in Joseph Campbell, A Joseph Campbell Companion
We all have a money story that began in our early childhood and evolved through time into our adulthood. Our money stories evolve out of our experience, through twists and turns, plots and subplots, and ultimately develop into the “story of our story” — our own personal mythology. Our individual mythologies are the narrative we use in daily life to express and explain how we came to be who we are. Our money stories and personal mythologies serve as a kind of guide and road map in helping us to navigate, discover, and create meaning out of our inner landscape, our experiences, and our lives.
My Early Money Story
When I was five years old, my “rich” aunt and uncle came to visit us and gave each of us children a crisp, new ten-dollar bill and said we could do anything we wanted with it. They took my sisters to the toy store, but I declined. I needed time to think about what I wanted to do with my money. Later that day, I walked to the corner store and asked the cashier for ten one-dollar bills. Then I went back to my neighborhood and gave nine of my one-dollar bills away to my friends, keeping one dollar for myself. It made me very happy to do this. Later that day, my mom came home and asked where my money was. I joyfully told her that I had given all but one dollar away to other kids on the block. She became angry and punished me for being “ungrateful” and for wasting what I had been given. She seemed embarrassed and ashamed of me. I felt sad and confused. If it felt good to give, how could it be bad? Wasn’t it my money to do what I wanted with? “No” she said, “go get it back.” Forced to ask for the money back, I felt deeply ashamed and humiliated.
I always knew we were poor, but by the age of eight, I began to realize that if I wanted anything, I’d have to learn how to get it on my own. So, I began my first entrepreneurial venture and ironed clothes for others, charging five cents per item. Later, I moved on to cleaning the houses of some of my mother’s friends. I was good at cleaning and felt well paid, even though sometimes my arms hurt for days from washing windows. The ladies were kind to me and fixed me sandwiches for lunch. I didn’t mind that other kids played while I worked. I had my own money and used or saved it as I pleased. Mostly, I liked to save it for something special.
My mother worked long hours as a waitress. I remember feeling sad that she had to work so hard. Most of my friends’ mothers stayed at home and didn’t have to work. This didn’t seem fair to me. I tried to keep the house clean to make my mom happy.
I was an exceptional student and almost always got straight As. Sometimes I would be given a dollar for each A, but only for the As. I soon learned that Bs or below were “worthless,” and this made me feel confused and angry. Why are Bs not good enough? I thought. They should be worth at least fifty cents if an A is worth a dollar.
Every September, my
