to identify recurring patterns, themes, emotions, and beliefs. Below is an example of one client’s story map. On a separate sheet of paper or in your money journal, map your story, using this example as a template.
EXAMPLE: Story Mapping
| Money Patterns | Money Themes |
| Giving | Feast or famine |
| Confused | Never enough |
| Need my own money | Loss and betrayal |
| Work hard | Survivor |
| Sacrifice | Scarcity |
| Creative | Rich versus poor |
| Resourceful | Hide poverty |
| Fiercely independent | Work = money + independence |
| Money Emotions | Money Beliefs |
| Happy | Money is hard to get/keep. |
| Joyful | There will never be enough. |
| Sadness | Money is not fair. |
| Worried | Money is stressful. |
| Fear | Rich people are selfish. |
| Anger | Money is not for our family. |
| Resentment | To be poor is shameful. |
| Humiliated | Making money is hard work. |
EXERCISE
Money Messages and Meaning
Before you proceed, take some time to reflect on these questions and write in your journal.
1. What messages about money did you receive in your childhood from your parents?
2. How do those messages influence and inform your experience with money today?
3. What would you have rather heard or experienced that might have made a difference?
4. How have your money patterns changed since childhood?
5. What messages about money are you giving or would you like to give to your partner or children, if you have them?
6. If money were not an obstacle, real or perceived, what would you do differently in your life today?
Sharing Your Money Story
Now that you’ve written your money story, it is time to share it. Before you do, I suggest that you make an agreement with your partner to listen to each other’s stories from a place of nonjudgment and compassion. Ask your partner for this agreement in advance. Once you’ve agreed, take turns reading your stories aloud without interruption. Once you’ve both read your stories, discuss them openly. Here are some questions to help guide your discussion:
1. What did you learn about me that was new?
2. What was uncomfortable for you to share and why?
3. What fears or emotions came up as you were sharing?
4. What surprised you most about my story?
5. What helped you to understand me and my money patterns more?
6. Was there anything about my story that was confusing or that you would like to know more about?
“The Story of Us”
Now that you’ve read and discussed your individual “Story of Us” memories, notice what you both chose to write about and any significant differences in perspectives. For example, do you have similar or different recollections about how you navigated through money issues in your relationship? If so, please know that this is not uncommon. Most of us tend to remember things in relationship to our own experience rather than our partner’s. However, noticing how your partner’s perspective is different from your own can be enlightening, providing new awareness and perspective, and can even help you to know what to do differently in the future.
For example, when I read the money stories of my clients John and Ann, I noticed that their memories about an early financial agreement were radically different. It was apparent that they’d been operating from assumptions rather than facts. Before they married, John believed that he had been clear about not wanting to be financially responsible for Ann and about the fact that he expected her to pay for her own expenses as well as contribute to their joint expenses. Ann, on the other hand, said that her husband did not want to be responsible for her personal expenses only. Over the years, she had pretty much covered her own personal expenses, such as her car payment, credit card payment, hair and beauty costs, clothes, and groceries. She had “let” John, who earned considerably more, cover the larger expenses, such as their mortgage, taxes, insurance, and vacations. John’s money story indicated that he felt resentful about this.
As we discussed their situation, they began to see how this pattern had evolved out of a miscommunication. In fact, Ann was happy to pay more to help support their household but had received mixed messages from John. He liked being in charge of their financial house and being the primary breadwinner. However, he sometimes felt taken advantage of — that he was carrying the bulk of the financial burden. He was conflicted and therefore gave mixed messages to Ann. Through their stories, they were able to see where the communication had gone awry, and they were able to work together to resolve it amicably.
As you learn more about each other through this storytelling process, it is important to determine if there are any communication or money issues to discuss and resolve before moving forward.
Writing Your Next Chapter
Regardless of your history, which cannot be undone, the future is still unwritten and can be altered by your present-day awareness and intentions moving forward. How would you both like to have your money story unfold from here? Start the next chapter of your story together based on what you would like to create.
What old money patterns would you each like to overcome?
What new money patterns would you each like to develop?
What money themes would you like to change or embrace?
What new emotions would you like to experience?
What beliefs about money would you like to surrender?
What new money beliefs would you like to develop?
What is the vision you hold for your future together, personally and financially?
Write all this down and begin to co-create it today.
