the level of serotonin (the well-being hormone) as well, which can lead to sadness, depression, and despair. Bottom line: money issues can impact the best of us. Whenever we become emotionally and financially imbalanced, our biochemistry is greatly impacted as well. So we need to become more knowledgeable about the relationship between money and the brain so that we may understand one another and live in greater harmony. The more conscious and aware of your inner dynamics, issues, and triggers you become, individually and as a couple, the greater your capacity to enhance your relationship. Over time, both of you can learn how to interrupt — or, more optimally, change — your money dynamics and thus improve your lives and financial outcomes.
Change Is a Choice
It is essential to remember the tremendous gift of free will that we were given at birth. No other species was given this gift! We must learn how to access the rich potentiality of our free will and to express it for the highest good of ourselves, our relationships, our community, and the planet. In doing so, we can become more powerful and empowering and will have greater access to fully receiving all of our good. This good is our divine inheritance, and it is already present and available to us all, though too few have learned how to access or utilize it properly. The exception to this, of course, occurs when our unconscious behaviors or shadow causes us to commit acts that are immoral, illegal, and harmful to others, causing us to literally lose access to free will and the world as punishment for the crime. Sometimes, however, we accidentally or inadvertently lose access to our own power and will as a result of accumulated pain and experiences that have become calcified inside of us. When this happens, we surrender our power and may consciously or subconsciously believe that we are not worthy and do not deserve, setting forth a path of self-fulfilling prophecy that perpetuates this belief, which is itself a lie. In my practice as a money coach, I see this reality manifested in my clients’ lives in some of the following ways:
“If I don’t have money, I am worthless” (as in “worth less”).
“I must have done something terribly wrong to deserve this.”
“I don’t have the money gene.”
“Nothing I do is ever enough.”
“I’m cursed when it comes to money.”
“I’m not smart enough/good enough.”
We become deeply patterned at an early age. Not unlike the computer I just bought, we each come into the world with a preloaded software package called the collective unconscious. This package consists of the vast collection and archive of our human experience from the beginning of time, which represents the operating system that runs in the background of our human consciousness. Think of it as the hard drive of human existence. When we are born into the world and begin to have our own personal experiences, they become hardwired in the brain (which itself functions like a computer and is, in fact, more powerful than any computer that has ever been built). Now, add to this the awareness that money patterns and behaviors are often deeply entrenched family patterns that are passed down unconsciously from one generation to the next. The money patterns, behaviors, and beliefs that we inherit from our parents — and their parents before them — can be challenging for a number of reasons:
• We have very little, if any, formal training or education about money or personal finance.
• Money is a core survival issue and, as such, can cause us to become easily fearful and triggered.
• Money remains an unsafe or taboo subject in many families.
• Most of our core money patterns and behaviors become hardwired in early childhood and remain locked inside of us without exploration, awareness, or understanding.
• We avoid or are fearful of bringing these issues to light because of our internalized fears, anxiety, and shame.
• We carry money wounds that, left unhealed, become our shadow.
Love, Money, and Relationship Patterns
I remember spending hours as a little girl, daydreaming about finding my very own Prince Charming. Then, as I got older and started to date, it became clear to me that this was not going to be such an easy task. From the beginning, I felt very uncomfortable when I’d go out on a date and the boy would pick up the check. I felt awkward and “less than.” This was, of course, during the time when it was still expected that the guy would pay for everything on a date. I’ve always been fiercely independent and have worked and had my own money since I was eight. So this caused me much discomfort and confusion. Over the years, I have discussed this topic with many women and discovered that most felt similar discomfort with this arrangement. In fact, many women felt that they owed the man something as a result of this transaction. And as it turns out, some of the men thought so, too. Sometimes, the women reported, they actually got it! Many women succumb to the pressure to have sex due to feelings of obligation or guilt that the man spent money on them. This is not right, nor does it serve either party. On the other side of the spectrum, men were given the burden of financial responsibility early on (although this has changed in many families today) to be the breadwinner and provide for the family. But no one ever bothered to ask them whether they wanted this responsibility or if they were in agreement with this prescribed role, which is simply not fair to men, either.
I’m amazed that this system is still very much intact and that many women and men still operate this way, even after they’re married. Why? Because when we marry, we unconsciously move into prescribed roles that closely mirror those in our family of origin, and our underlying patterns and behaviors around money begin to unravel through unexpressed expectations and unconscious agreements. Throughout this book, you will be guided to understand how your own money patterns and behaviors influence your relationship with money as well as those of your spouse or partner. I refer to this in money coaching as “yours, mine, and ours” patterns because both partners enter the marriage with fairly established patterns, and then, over time, the couple develops its own distinct patterns (“ours”), which are often reactive and ineffective ways of being.
Our Money Issues as Symptoms
Money is a powerful energy force and medium of exchange. It is a tool and resource that we receive as a result of the actions and contributions we put forth in the world. It flows in and out of our lives in direct relationship to our efforts and intentions. Whenever you feel fearful or anxious about money, it is wise to spend some time in meditation or prayer to determine what inside of you might need attending to and to begin to address those needs proactively.
EXERCISE
Inner Resourcing
Spend five minutes reflecting on how you feel about money at this very moment. Questions to reflect and write about in your money coaching journal:
1. If money were your lover, how would describe your relationship with it? Estranged, detached, irritable, thoughtful, loving? Write about your feelings.
2. How do you feel about yourself and your relationship with money?
3. How do you feel about your partner and money? Write words that describe how you experience your partner with regard to money.
Couples generally come to see me because they believe that they have issues with money, which, on the surface anyway, may be the case. More often than not, however, their money issues are merely a symptom of another problem. For example, I have a client who is very talented and makes a good living in his business, but who worries incessantly about money. He thinks he has money issues, but the truth is, he has enough money and makes a good living. His real problems are (1) he hates what he does for a living and feels
