·[xv]· First Act.
·1· SCENE—Morning-room in Algernon’s flat in Half Moon Street. The room is luxuriously and artistically furnished. The sound of a piano is heard in the adjoining room.
[Lane is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after the music has ceased, Algernon enters.]
algernon
Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?
lane
I didn’t think it polite to listen, sir.
algernon
I’m sorry for that, for your sake. I don’t play accurately—anyone can play accurately—but I play with wonderful expression. As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte. I keep science for Life.
lane
Yes, sir.
·2· algernon
And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell?
lane
Yes, sir. [Hands them on a salver.]
algernon
[Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa.] Oh! … by the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed.
lane
Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint.
algernon
Why is it that at a bachelor’s establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely for information.
lane
I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand.
algernon
Good Heavens! Is marriage so demoralizing as that?
·3· lane
I believe it is a very pleasant state, sir. I have had very little experience of it myself up to the present. I have only been married once. That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person.
algernon
[Languidly.] I don’t know that I am much interested in your family life, Lane.
lane
No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject. I never think of it myself.
algernon
Very natural, I am sure. That will do, Lane, thank you.
lane
Thank you, sir. [Lane goes out.]
algernon
Lane’s views on marriage seem somewhat lax. Really, if the lower orders don’t set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them? They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility.
[Enter Lane.]
·4· lane
Mr. Ernest Worthing.
[Enter Jack.]
[Lane goes out.]
algernon
How are you, my dear Ernest? What brings you up to town?
jack
Oh, pleasure, pleasure! What else should bring one anywhere? Eating as usual, I see, Algy!
algernon
[Stiffly.] I believe it is customary in good society to take some slight refreshment at five o’clock. Where have you been since last Thursday?
jack
[Sitting down on the sofa.] In the country.
algernon
What on earth do you do there?
jack
[Pulling off his gloves.] When one is in town one amuses oneself. When one is in the country one amuses other people. It is excessively boring.
·5· algernon
And who are the people you amuse?
jack
[Airily.] Oh, neighbours, neighbours.
algernon
Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire?
jack
Perfectly horrid! Never speak to one of them.
algernon
How immensely you must amuse them! [Goes over and takes sandwich.] By the way, Shropshire is your county, is it not?
jack
Eh? Shropshire? Yes, of course. Hallo! Why all these cups? Why cucumber sandwiches? Why such reckless extravagance in one so young? Who is coming to tea?
algernon
Oh! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen.
jack
How perfectly delightful!
·6· algernon
Yes, that is all very well; but I am afraid Aunt Augusta won’t quite approve of your being here.
jack
May I ask why?
algernon
