tedious time of it.
jack
That is nonsense. If I marry a charming girl like Gwendolen, and she is the only girl I ever saw in my life that I would marry, I certainly won’t want to know Bunbury.
algernon
Then your wife will. You don’t seem to realize, that in married life three is company and two is none.
jack
[Sententiously.] That, my dear young friend, is the theory that the corrupt French Drama has been propounding for the last fifty years.
algernon
Yes; and that the happy English home has proved in half the time.
jack
For heaven’s sake, don’t try to be cynical. It’s perfectly easy to be cynical.
·19· algernon
My dear fellow, it isn’t easy to be anything now-a-days. There’s such a lot of beastly competition about. [The sound of an electric bell is heard.] Ah! that must be Aunt Augusta. Only relatives, or creditors, ever ring in that Wagnerian manner. Now, if I get her out of the way for ten minutes, so that you can have an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolen, may I dine with you to-night at Willis’s?
jack
I suppose so, if you want to.
algernon
Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them.
[Enter Lane.]
lane
Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax.
[Algernon goes forward to meet them. Enter Lady Bracknell and Gwendolen.]
lady bracknell
Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are behaving very well.
algernon
I’m feeling very well, Aunt Augusta.
·20· lady bracknell
That’s not quite the same thing. In fact the two things rarely go together. [Sees Jack and bows to him with icy coldness.]
algernon
[To Gwendolen.] Dear me, you are smart!
gwendolen
I am always smart! Aren’t I, Mr. Worthing?
jack
You’re quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.
gwendolen
Oh! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for developments, and I intend to develop in many directions. [Gwendolen and Jack sit down together in the corner.]
lady bracknell
I’m sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury. I hadn’t been there since her poor husband’s death. I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite twenty years younger. And now I’ll have a cup of tea, and one of those nice cucumber sandwiches you promised me.
·21· algernon
Certainly, Aunt Augusta. [Goes over to tea-table.]
lady bracknell
Won’t you come and sit here, Gwendolen?
gwendolen
Thanks, mamma, I’m quite comfortable where I am.
algernon
[Picking up empty plate in horror.] Good heavens! Lane! Why are there no cucumber sandwiches? I ordered them specially.
lane
[Gravely.] There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, sir. I went down twice.
algernon
No cucumbers!
lane
No, sir. Not even for ready money.
algernon
That will do, Lane, thank you.
·22· lane
Thank you, sir. [Goes out.]
algernon
I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being no cucumbers, not even for ready money.
lady bracknell
It really makes no matter, Algernon. I had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.
algernon
I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.
lady bracknell
It certainly has changed its colour. From what cause I, of course, cannot say. [Algernon crosses and hands tea.] Thank you. I’ve quite a treat for you to-night, Algernon. I am going to send you down with Mary Farquhar. She is such a nice woman, and so attentive to her husband. It’s delightful to watch them.
algernon
I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give up the pleasure of dining with you to-night after all.
·23· lady bracknell
[Frowning.] I hope not, Algernon. It would put my table completely out. Your uncle would have to dine upstairs. Fortunately he is accustomed to that.
algernon
It is a great bore, and, I need hardly say, a terrible disappointment to me, but the fact is I have just had a telegram to say that my poor friend Bunbury is very ill again. [Exchanges glances with Jack.] They seem to think I should be with him.
lady bracknell
It is very strange. This Mr. Bunbury seems to suffer from curiously bad health.
algernon
Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid.
lady bracknell
Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die. This shilly-shallying with the question is absurd. Nor do I in any way approve of the modern sympathy with invalids. I consider it morbid. Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be
