My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolen is perfectly disgraceful. It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen flirts with you.
jack
I am in love with Gwendolen. I have come up to town expressly to propose to her.
algernon
I thought you had come up for pleasure? … I call that business.
jack
How utterly unromantic you are!
algernon
I really don’t see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence ·7· of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I’ll certainly try to forget the fact.
jack
I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The Divorce Court was specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted.
algernon
Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces are made in Heaven—— [Jack puts out his hand to take a sandwich. Algernon at once interferes.] Please don’t touch the cucumber sandwiches. They are ordered specially for Aunt Augusta. [Takes one and eats it.]
jack
Well, you have been eating them all the time.
algernon
That is quite a different matter. She is my aunt. [Takes plate from below.] Have some bread and butter. The bread and butter is for Gwendolen. Gwendolen is devoted to bread and butter.
jack
[Advancing to table and helping himself.] And very good bread and butter it is too.
algernon
Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you ·8· were going to eat it all. You behave as if you were married to her already. You are not married to her already, and I don’t think you ever will be.
jack
Why on earth do you say that?
algernon
Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don’t think it right.
jack
Oh, that is nonsense!
algernon
It isn’t. It is a great truth. It accounts for the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over the place. In the second place, I don’t give my consent.
jack
Your consent!
algernon
My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin. And before I allow you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole question of Cecily. [Rings bell.]
jack
Cecily! What on earth do you mean? What ·9· do you mean, Algy, by Cecily? I don’t know anyone of the name of Cecily.
[Enter Lane.]
algernon
Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left in the smoking-room the last time he dined here.
lane
Yes, sir. [Lane goes out.]
jack
Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time? I wish to goodness you had let me know. I have been writing frantic letters to Scotland Yard about it. I was very nearly offering a large reward.
algernon
Well, I wish you would offer one. I happen to be more than usually hard up.
jack
There is no good offering a large reward now that the thing is found.
[Enter Lane with the cigarette case on a salver. Algernon takes it at once. Lane goes out.]
·10· algernon
I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I must say. [Opens case and examines it.] However, it makes no matter, for, now that I look at the inscription inside, I find that the thing isn’t yours after all.
jack
Of course it’s mine. [Moving to him.] You have seen me with it a hundred times, and you have no right whatsoever to read what is written inside. It is a very ungentlemanly thing to read a private cigarette case.
algernon
Oh! it is absurd to have a hard-and-fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn’t. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn’t read.
jack
I am quite aware of the fact, and I don’t propose to discuss modern culture. It isn’t the sort of thing one should talk of in private. I simply want my cigarette case back.
algernon
Yes; but this isn’t your cigarette case. This cigarette case is a present from someone of the name of Cecily, and you said you didn’t know anyone of that name.
·11· jack
Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be my aunt.
algernon
Your aunt!
jack
Yes. Charming old lady she is, too. Lives at Tunbridge Wells. Just give it back to me, Algy.
algernon
[Retreating to back of sofa.] But why does she call herself little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge Wells? [Reading.] “From little Cecily with her fondest love.”
jack
[Moving to sofa and kneeling upon it.] My dear fellow, what on earth is there in that? Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall. That is a matter that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide for herself. You seem to think that every aunt should be exactly like your aunt! That is absurd! For Heaven’s sake give me back my cigarette case. [Follows Ernest [E: Algernon] round the room.]
algernon
Yes. But why does your aunt call you her uncle? “From little Cecily, with her fondest love ·12· to her dear
