dads and want to be more involved with our children than our own fathers were. The problem is that we just haven’t had the training. The solution? Quit complaining and jump right in. The “maternal instinct” that women are supposedly born with is actually acquired on the job. And that’s exactly where you’re going to develop your “paternal instinct.” If you need a little extra guidance, think about starting a dad blog and connecting with other new and more experienced dads (see pages 192–94 for more).
Confusion
If there’s one thing that set my first few months of fatherhood apart from the next few years, it was the confusing and often conflicting emotions I felt:
• On the one hand, I had a sense of incredible virility, power, and pride at having created a new life. On the other, I often felt helpless when I couldn’t understand—let alone satisfy—the baby’s needs.
• Most of the time I felt the most powerful kind of love for my tiny child. But sometimes I also felt ambivalent. And once in a while I felt a powerful anger—one that seemed to come out of nowhere—toward the very same baby.
• Most of the time I felt particularly close to my wife—especially when we would admire our children together. But every so often I’d get suspicious that she loved them more than she did me.
Being confused leads a lot of guys to feel that there’s something wrong with them. You’d be amazed at the number of questions I get via email or in person, at workshops I do with fathers, that start with the same seven words: “Am I the only one who feels …?”
“You’re not real experienced at this father business, are you?”
Before you go off and check yourself into a mental hospital, there are a few things you should know. First, being confused isn’t abnormal at all. If you want proof, all you have to do is start asking a few of the other new dads you know whether they’re feeling some of the same things you are. You’ll probably find that (a) they have the same feelings you do, and (b) they also think they’re abnormal. That begs the question: if almost everyone thinks he’s abnormal, then isn’t being abnormal the norm? If that doesn’t reassure you at least a little, maybe this will: this state of confusion—and the accompanying suspicions about your sanity—usually disappear by the end of the third month.
Fears—Lots of Them
The combination of feeling unprepared and confused at the same time can be rather frightening, and the first few months of fatherhood are riddled with fears. Here are some of the most common:
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