AND YOUR BABY
Crying
Since the moment your baby was born, he’s been trying to communicate with you. That’s the good news. The bad news is that he settled on crying as the way to do it. It will take you a while to teach him that there are more effective, and less annoying, ways of getting your attention. In the meantime, though, if he’s like most babies, he’s a real chatterbox: 80–90 percent of all infants have crying spells that last from twenty minutes to an hour every day. Of course, not all of your baby’s tears mean that he is sad, uncomfortable, hungry, or dissatisfied with something you’ve done. Nevertheless, holding an inconsolably crying baby can bring out a range of emotions, even in the most seasoned parent, running from pity and frustration to fury and inadequacy.
Fathers are likely to experience these feelings—especially inadequacy—more acutely than mothers. As with so many mother/father differences, the culprit is socialization: most men come into fatherhood feeling less than completely confident in their own parenting abilities, and a baby’s cries are too easily seen as confirmation that Daddy is doing a less-than-adequate job.
As difficult as crying can be to deal with, you obviously don’t want your baby to be completely silent (in fact, if your baby doesn’t cry at least several times a day, you need to have a talk with your pediatrician). Fortunately, there are a few things you can do to make your baby’s crying a less unpleasant experience for both of you:
• When (not if) your child starts to cry, resist the urge to hand him to your partner. She knows nothing more about crying babies than you do (or will soon enough). Since each of you instinctively has a different way of interacting with the baby, your hanging in there through a crying spell will double the chances that you’ll find new ways to soothe the baby.
• Learn to speak your baby’s language. By now, you can almost always tell your baby’s cry from any other baby’s, and you can probably recognize his “I’m tired,” “Feed me now,” and “Change my diaper” cries. And while the language he speaks isn’t as sexy or as vocabulary-rich as French, your baby has added a few more “phrases” to his repertoire, including “I’m as uncomfortable as hell,” “I’m bored out of my mind,” and “I’m crying because I’m mad and I’m not going to stop no matter what you do.” Responding promptly when your baby cries will help you learn to recognize which cry is which. You’ll then be able to tailor your response and keep your baby happy.
• Carry your baby more. The more you hold him (even when he’s not crying), the less likely he is to cry. In one study, researchers found that a two-hour increase in carrying time per day resulted in a 42 percent decrease in crying time.
• Get to know your baby’s routine. Keeping a diary of when your baby cries, how long the crying spells last, and what (if anything) works to slow him down can really help. Some babies like to thrash around and cry a little (or a lot) before going to sleep; others don’t.
• If your partner is breastfeeding, watch what she eats. This is especially important if the baby suddenly and inexplicably deviates from his normal crying routine. Broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, and milk, when consumed by nursing mothers, may result in gastrically distressed (and weepy) babies.
After you’ve tried soothing, feeding, changing the diaper, checking for uncomfortable clothing, and rocking, the baby may still continue to howl. Sometimes there’s really nothing you can do about it (see the next section, “Coping with Crying”), but sometimes all it takes is a new approach. Here are a few alternatives you might want to try:
• Hold the baby differently. Not all babies like to be held facing you; some want to face out so they can see the world. One of the most successful ways I’ve learned to soothe a crying baby—and I’ve tried this on many kids besides my own—is the Magic Baby Hold. Quite simply, have the baby “sit” facing you in the palm of your hand—thumb in front, the other fingers on the baby’s bottom. Then have the baby lie face down on your forearm, with his head resting on the inside of your elbow. Use your other hand to stroke or pat his back.
• Distraction. Offer a toy, a story, a song. If that works, be prepared to repeat it over and over and over. And don’t be surprised if whatever stops the crying today seems to make it worse tomorrow. Babies are just like that.
• Make some noise. Singing is good, or try one of those machines that make thunder, rain, ocean, and jungle sounds that many babies find soothing. Running a vacuum cleaner or tuning a portable radio to static has worked for some new parents.
• Give the baby something to suck on. Just take a guess why they call them “pacifiers.” If you don’t approve of pacifiers, you can either help the baby suck on his own fingers or loan out one of yours (for more on pacifiers, see pages 198–99).
• Give the baby a bath. Some babies find warm water soothing. Others freak out when they get wet. If you do decide to try bathing a crying infant, don’t do it alone. Holding on to a calm soapy baby can be a challenge. Keeping a grip on a squirming, screaming, soapy baby takes a team of highly trained specialists.
• Wrap him up. Swaddle him in a lightweight blanket, snuggle with him skin-to-skin in your arms, and/or put him into a front pack (no matter how strong you think you are, carrying a baby around—even a newborn—is rough on the arms and back).
• Get moving. Take the baby for a walk—sometimes a change of scenery is all it takes. If that doesn’t work, try rocking the baby in your arms, putting him into a baby swing, taking him for a ride in the car, or putting him on top of a running washing machine or dryer—but do not walk away, even for a second. You might also try a car-ride simulator (a device that, when attached to the baby’s crib, vibrates and makes sounds like a car).
• Call the doc. Your pediatrician may prescribe medication that can help in certain situations. If your partner is breastfeeding, the doc may also suggest that she drink herbal tea (chamomile, licorice, and a few others—but talk to the doctor before she starts), or that she eliminate some common allergens (wheat, nuts, milk, eggs) from her diet. If you’re using formula, the doc may suggest switching to a more hypo-allergenic brand.
Your Baby on Drugs?
During the entire time that your partner is breastfeeding, there’s a risk that almost any drug she takes—whether it’s for pain or for some kind of chronic or acute medical condition—could get passed into her milk and affect the baby. Most of the time the risk is very small, but sometimes it’s not. Unfortunately, a lot of doctors aren’t familiar with the potential risks medications pose to lactating mothers and nursing infants. As a result, they may either prescribe something that’s potentially dangerous or suggest that the woman stop breastfeeding. There is an easier solution.
LactMed is a free, online, searchable database (run by the U.S. National Library of Medicine. It’s a comprehensive listing of prescription and nonprescription drugs, herbal remedies, other chemicals, and even illegal drugs, which are evaluated for safety to both mother and baby during breastfeeding. They even suggest safer alternatives where available. You can access it at toxnet.nlm.nih.gov/newtoxnet/lactmed.htm. You’ll find a few more options in the Resources appendix.
Coping with Crying
Starting at about two weeks of age, some 10–20 percent of healthy, well-fed babies develop colic—a word that strikes fear in the hearts of parents everywhere. The official definition is “crying more than three hours a day, more than three days a week, for more than three months.
