as fun. And images of a vaginal birth or having the woman you love sliced open for a C-section can be hard to get out of your mind.
• You may resent your baby’s unlimited access to your partner’s breasts and feel that your partner is focusing more on the baby than on you. And she may be.
• Your (or your partner’s) motivation to have sex may have changed since your baby was born. If, for example, you or she were motivated to have sex because you really wanted to be a parent, sex after having a baby may feel a little anticlimactic, so to speak. Been there, done that.
• Now that you have concrete proof (the baby) of your virility, you may feel more intimate with your partner than ever before.
Nonsexual and Almost Nonsexual Affection
Most adults have a limited repertoire of ways to please each other. But there are plenty of ways to be sensual short of intercourse. Hand holding, back rubs, hair stroking while watching TV, and even gentle, nonsexual kissing are good for those times when one of you isn’t in the mood. If you’re not in the mood but want to give—or receive—some nonsexual affection, tell your partner up front that there are no strings attached. Researchers have found that men and women who don’t want sex are frequently afraid that the kiss or hug they need from, or want to give to, their partners will be misinterpreted as a sexual overture.
When You and Your Partner Are out of Sync
Just as you and your partner can’t always agree on what movie you want to see or what you want to have for dinner, you can’t expect that you’ll both feel sexually aroused at the same time. She might want to make love at a time when you’re simply too tired to move. Or you might want to have sex when she’s feeling “touched out,” having spent an entire day with a baby crawling all over her, sucking her breasts.
The months right after the birth of a baby are a particularly vulnerable time for your sex life. If you had great sex before or even during the pregnancy, don’t take it for granted that everything will be as it was—you’ll still have to work on it. And if your prebaby sex life wasn’t that great, don’t count on it getting better anytime soon. Either way, here are a few suggestions that might help smooth over some of the rough spots you’ll invariably encounter:
• Figure out what, exactly, is motivating you to want to have sex. That may sound ridiculous—you want to have sex because it feels good, right? Well, sort of. “Sex can be an expression of monogamy, intimacy, love, or even an affirmation of one’s sexual identity (‘I’m a man and this is what men do’),” says Linda Perlin Alperstein, an associate professor at the University of California, San Francisco. And for some people (this is pretty rare, though) sex is solely a way to reproduce.
• Talk. Most of us—men and women—feel embarrassed to tell our partner exactly what we like and don’t like. But doing so is absolutely essential—not only to getting your sex life back on track but to the overall health of your relationship.
• Negotiate. If you really want to have sex, and she doesn’t, ask her—without putting a lot of pressure on her—what, if anything, she’d be willing to do. Would she, for example, be willing to masturbate you? Would she hold you in her arms or let you touch her breasts while you stimulate yourself? In sexuality expert Sari van Anders’s research, 58 percent of partners of new moms received oral sex. It goes without saying (or at least it should) that you should be prepared to reciprocate. The object here is not to convince her to have sex; the two of you should be working toward creating an environment in which you both feel safe expressing your desires and in which each of you can turn the other down without fear of causing offense or hurting feelings.
• Be completely honest. If you and your partner agree that you’ll hold each other like spoons and kiss but that you won’t touch each other’s genitals, don’t go over the line. Doing so will only make her tense and distrustful.
• Change your attitude. A lot of men have the idea that every erection has to result in an ejaculation. But is having an orgasm the only way to experience pleasure? Not a chance. Sometimes just getting aroused—and leaving it right there—can be fun.
• Start dating again. No, not someone else—your partner. Having a good sex life can certainly contribute to the happiness of your relationship, but even the wildest, most amazing sex doesn’t guarantee anything. So make sure to set aside some time every day—even if it’s only fifteen minutes—to talk about life, work, movies you’ve seen, books you’ve read, politics, whatever. But don’t talk about anything to do with your baby.
• Ask for—and give your partner—some nonsexual affection (see page 77).
The First Time … Again
When you do finally get around to making love, you should expect the first few times to be a period of tentative rediscovery for both of you. Her body has changed, and she may respond differently than she used to. Some studies have shown that after giving birth, women experience a slightly decreased interest in vaginal stimulation and an increased interest in clitoral and breast stimulation. Also, women who experienced multiple orgasms before giving birth are less likely to do so, or will do so less frequently, now.
She may also be worried that having sex will hurt, and you may be afraid of the same thing or that those extra pounds she hasn’t lost yet will interfere with her pleasure (or yours). Go slowly, take your cues from her, and give yourselves plenty of time to get used to each other again.
Sex researchers William Fisher and Janice Gray found that nursing mothers generally resume their sexual lives sooner than women who don’t breastfeed. This is a little odd, considering that nursing mothers produce lower levels of ovarian hormones, which are responsible for producing vaginal lubrication. As a result, if your partner is nursing, her vagina may be much drier than before, making intercourse painful. Obviously, this doesn’t mean she isn’t aroused by you; it’s simply a common post-birth condition. In situations like these, a little K-Y Jelly, Astroglide, or other over-the-counter lubricant will go a long way.
And while you’re out buying lubricant, pick up a few boxes of condoms too. Despite what you may have heard about women not being able to get pregnant during the time that they’re breastfeeding, nursing is not an effective means of contraception. Your partner’s periods will probably start up again between three and eight months after the birth. But since ovulation happens about two weeks before the period starts, she may not know that she’s fertile again until it’s too late. So unless the two of you really want two kids less than a year apart, get in the habit of using some kind of protection every time you have sex. Barrier methods (condoms or diaphragm) are probably best right now. But have your partner check with her OB to see whether any of the oral contraceptives are safe during breastfeeding.
Finally, be flexible—and patient. In the first six weeks after childbirth, only 34 percent of couples have vaginal intercourse. Meanwhile, about 74 percent of partners of new moms masturbate, according to Sari van Anders, an intimacy and sexuality researcher at the University of Michigan.
Not Ready to Be a Father
One of the most consistent findings by researchers is that new fathers almost always feel unprepared for their new role. Personally, I would have been surprised if it were otherwise. When most of our fathers were raising us, a “good father” was synonymous with “good provider.” He supported his family financially, mowed the lawn, washed the car, and maintained discipline in the home. No one seemed to care whether he ever spent much time with his children; in fact, he was discouraged from doing so, and told to leave the kids to his wife, the “good mother.”
Yesterday’s
