means all sorts of new responsibilities, pressures, and expectations to live up to. For some new fathers, this seemingly basic epiphany comes early, before they leave the hospital. For others, reality may not sink in for a few days. But whenever it hits, you’ll always remember being there for the birth of your baby as one of the great moments of your life.
Right now, though, you may be feeling a little helpless and overwhelmed. But if you’re like most guys I’ve spoken with over the years, you’ll also experience at least some of the following feelings immediately after the birth:
• love
• excitement, almost like being intoxicated
• the desire to hold and touch and rock and kiss the baby
• an even stronger desire to simply stare dumbfounded at the baby
• accomplishment, pride, and disbelief
• virility and self-worth
• a powerful connection to your baby and partner
• the need to count toes and fingers to make sure everything’s where it’s supposed to be
• curiosity about whether the baby’s features are more like yours or your partner’s
Back in the 1970s, Dr. Martin Greenberg did a study of fathers who were present for their child’s delivery (which was relatively rare then). The men in his study had many of the above feelings, and Greenberg coined a term, engrossment, to describe “a father’s sense of absorption, preoccupation, and interest in his baby.”
What triggers engrossment in men? Exactly the same thing that prompts similar nurturing feelings in women: early contact with their infants. So take a deep breath and do what feels most natural to you—chances are it’ll be exactly the right thing.
The truth is—and there’s a lot of research to back me up on this—that from the instant their children are born, fathers are just as caring, interested, and involved with their infants as mothers are, and they hold, touch, kiss, rock, and coo at their new babies at least as frequently as mothers do.
Comparing How You Imagined the Birth Would Go with How It Went
Let’s face it: every expecting couple secretly (or not so secretly) hopes for a pain-free, twenty-minute labor, and very few people ever really plan for a horrible birth experience. Even in childbirth education classes, if the instructor talks at all about the unpleasant things that can happen, she usually refers to them as “contingencies”—a word that makes it seem as though everything is still under control.
If your partner’s labor and delivery went according to plan, chances are you’re delighted with the way things turned out, and you’re oohing and ahhing over your baby. But if there were any problems—induced labor, an emergency C-section, a threat to your partner’s or your baby’s life—your whole impression of the birth process may have changed. It’s not unusual in these cases to blame the baby for causing your partner so much physical pain and you so much psychological agony. It can happen easily, without your really being aware of it.
So pay close attention during the first few weeks to how you’re feeling about your baby. If you find yourself angry or resentful of her, or thinking or saying things—even in jest—such as “All the pain is the baby’s fault,” or (as I did) “The baby had jammed herself in there sideways and refused to come out,” try to remember that no matter how brilliant and talented you think your baby is, she was a completely passive player in the entire process. Giving in to the temptation to blame your baby for anything at this point can seriously interfere with your future relationship together.
The Brief “Is This Really My Baby?” Phase
The first thing I did after each of my daughters was born was count their arms, legs, fingers, and toes. Once all limbs and extremities were accounted for, I quickly looked them over to see whether they had “my” nose or chin.
Later on, I felt a little guilty about that—after all, shouldn’t I have been hugging and kissing my daughters instead of giving them a full-body inspection? Maybe, but as it turns out, that’s what almost all new dads do within the first few minutes after the birth of their babies: immediately look for physical similarities—as if to prove to themselves that the baby is truly theirs. This happens for a reason: for most of us—regardless of how many prenatal doctor appointments we went to, how many times we heard the baby’s heartbeat or saw her squirm around on an ultrasound, and how many times we felt her kick—the baby isn’t completely “real” until after the birth, when we finally have a chance to meet each other face to face. “Seeing the infant emerge from his mate’s body through vaginal or cesarean birth is a powerful experience for each father,” writes researcher Pamela Jordan. “Birth proved that this infant had been the growth within the mother’s abdomen.”
As it turns out, only one of my daughters has “my” chin, and it’s looking like none of them will have to suffer through life with my nose (and the accompanying sinus problems). When the first two were born, I remember being very disappointed that neither of them had the Brott family webbed toes (it isn’t all that noticeable, but it helps my swimming immeasurably). But you can’t imagine my delight when I found a little webbing between the youngest one’s toes (she’s also the only one of the three who’s shown a serious interest in swimming).
Now, Wait a Minute—This Isn’t What I Was Expecting at All
Babies hardly ever look exactly as you imagined they would before they were born. And being disappointed about a nose, a chin, or even some toes is something you’ll get over soon enough—especially when you discover in a few weeks that the baby does have something of yours (they always do).
But what if the baby has a penis or a vagina when you were expecting the opposite? Getting a boy when you expected a girl, or vice versa, can be a real shock. A team of Swedish researchers found that fathers are generally more satisfied with their roles when their babies—boys or girls—are the sex they’d hoped for. But if the fantasy doesn’t materialize, regret can settle in and interfere with your accepting and loving your baby. In fact, children who aren’t the sex their parents wanted have worse relationships with their parents in childhood than preferred-sex kids. That seems to be especially true for kids whose parents had wanted a boy but got a girl.
YOU AND YOUR PARTNER
Her Emotional and Physical Recovery after a C-Section
Having an unplanned C-section can trigger a whole host of conflicting emotions in your partner. She, like you, may feel greatly relieved that the pain is over and the baby is safe. At the same time, it’s very natural for her to second-guess herself and the decisions she made, to start wondering whether there was anything she could have done to avoid the operation, or to believe she’s failed because she didn’t deliver vaginally. These feelings are especially common when the C-section was performed because labor “failed to progress” (meaning that the cervix wasn’t dilating as quickly as the doctors thought it should).
Coping with a Special-Needs Child
We all expect a perfect baby, but unfortunately not everyone gets one. In recent years, technology has made it easier for expectant parents to avoid having—or at least to prepare themselves for—a disabled child.
But prepared or
