a mourning for the child who might have been. Some feel shock, anger, disbelief, or denial. They may blame themselves and see the child as a kind of punishment, or they may blame their partner. Others feel ambivalent and may even secretly wish that the child had died.
Having a child with a disability can be particularly tough for highly educated or intellectual couples who had great expectations for their baby, expectations the baby may never be able to live up to. Interestingly, moms and dads react somewhat differently. Moms tend to be more concerned about the emotional strain of having to care for the child, while dads are more concerned with the costs of providing care and with the baby’s ability to be a leader and her potential for academic success. Having a child with a disability can undermine a father’s feelings of masculinity and his confidence in himself.
According to researcher Michael Lamb, couples who are in better marriages and who have more social support have an easier time coming to terms with their disabled child. He also found that acceptance of the disabled child by the father’s parents has a big influence on the father’s acceptance of the child. Oddly, boys with intellectual disabilities seem to have a more negative impact on marriages than girls. This may reflect fathers’ and mothers’ greater expectations for their sons (and, sadly, lower ones for their daughters).
If you sense that your partner is experiencing any of these negative emotions, it’s important for you to counter them immediately. She really needs to know that no one could have done more, or been stronger or braver than she was; that she didn’t give in to the pain too soon; that she tried everything humanly possible to jump-start a stalled labor; that another few hours of labor that wasn’t going anywhere wouldn’t have done anyone any good; and that the decision she made (or at least agreed to) was the best one—both for the baby and for herself.
Some of these thoughts might seem obvious—so obvious that you might think they don’t need to be said at all. But they do—especially by you. You were there with her, and you know better than anyone else exactly what she went through. So being comforted and praised by you will mean a lot more to her than hearing the same words from a well-meaning nurse or doctor.
Having a baby isn’t a competition, although some people make it into one. (Hearing a bunch of new moms talk about their labor redefines the concept of macho. “I had a 17-hour labor.” “Well, mine was 22 hours—and I did it without any drugs.” “Oh, yeah, mine was . . .”)
As far as her physical recovery goes, keep the following in mind while you’re at the hospital. We’ll talk more about at-home recovery a little later in this chapter.
• Your partner’s incision will be tender or downright painful for at least several days. Fortunately, she’ll most likely be receiving some intravenous (IV) pain medication.
• The nursing staff will visit quite frequently to make sure that your partner’s uterus is getting firm and returning to its proper place, to see whether she’s producing enough urine, and to check her bandages.
• Your partner will have an IV until her bowels start functioning again (usually one to three days after delivery). After the IV is removed, she’ll start on a liquid diet, then add a few soft foods, and finally return to her normal diet.
• Your partner will need to get up and move around. Even though a C-section is major abdominal surgery, fewer than twenty-four hours after the delivery the nurses will probably encourage—and help—your partner to get out of bed and take a couple of rather painful-looking steps.
• Before your partner leaves the hospital, the sutures or staples will be removed. Yes, staples. Until I heard the clink as the doctor dropped them into a jar, I’d just assumed that my wife had been sewn up after her C-section. In some cases, the surgeon may use dissolvable stitches, glue, or tape to close the incision.
YOU AND YOUR BABY
First Impressions
Before I became a father, I’m quite sure that I believed that my children—even right after their birth—would be stunningly gorgeous. Well, chalk up another victory for the ad execs. The fact is that in most cases, babies look a little strange. If your baby was born vaginally, the trip through the birth canal may have made her look like she just got beat up—cone headed, mushed, and bruised. She came out covered in white cheesy-looking stuff, her eyes may be swollen and cross-eyed, and her hairy back and shoulders might have you worrying about what’ll happen when the moon is full.
Take it easy. Within a few weeks her nose will pop out, and her head will get rounder (C-section babies usually look a little better). The cheesy stuff is called vernix, and it’s a natural moisturizer that protects the baby’s skin while she’s in the womb. The puffy eyes are most likely the result of the antibiotic ointment the medical staff put in her eyes after birth to prevent infection, and that fuzz on her back is called lanugo, and it’ll fall out pretty soon.
But for a lot of new dads, the biggest shock is the condition of their babies’ skin—all those splotches (especially on the neck and the eyelids), strange-looking birthmarks, and tiny zits can be a little disconcerting. But before you grab your cell phone and call a dermatologist, take a minute and read about some of the more common, and perfectly normal, conditions:
• Acne. These cute little pimples are usually confined to the baby’s face and are either the result of your partner’s hormones continuing to swim through the baby’s system or of her underdeveloped pores. Either way, don’t squeeze, poke, pick at, or scrub these pimples. Just wash them with water a few times a day, pat them dry, and they’ll go away in a few months.
• Blisters. Pictures taken of babies in utero have shown that long before birth they frequently suck their thumbs—or any other part of their body they can reach. Sometimes they suck so hard, they raise blisters.
• Jaundice. If your baby’s skin and/or the whites of her eyes seem a little yellow, she may have jaundice. This condition is the result of the baby’s liver being unable to adequately process bilirubin, a yellowish by-product of red blood cells. It affects about 25 percent of newborns (and a higher percentage of preemies), appears within the first five days of life, and is usually gone a few days later.
• Splotches, blotches, and birthmarks. They can be white, purple, brown, or even yellow with white bumps in the center, and they can appear on the face, legs, arms, and back. In most cases, they’ll go away on their own if you just leave them alone. But if you’re really worried, check with your pediatrician.
• Cradle cap (or, more informally, “cradle crap”). Also called seborrheic dermatitis, this stuff looks like flaky, yellowish, sometimes greasy dandruff. It usually shows up on the head, but it can also work its way into baby’s eyebrows. It’s not a serious condition and will bother you much more than it does the baby. It’s also not contagious, and regular shampooing with a baby shampoo may help it go away.
Let the Tests Begin
Your baby’s first few minutes outside the womb are going to be a time of intense physical and emotional release for you and your partner. She may want to try nursing the baby (although it’s going to be mostly for bonding purposes; most newborns aren’t hungry for at least the first twelve hours or so), and you’ll probably want to stroke her brand-new skin and marvel at her tiny fingernails. But depending on the hospital and the conditions of the birth, your baby’s first few minutes could be spent being poked and prodded by doctors and nurses instead of being held and cuddled by you.
One minute after she’s born, your baby will be examined to give the medical staff a quick take on her overall condition. (You may have thought that the first test your child would really have to worry about passing would be the SAT,
