it feels like I am not understanding the pain they feel. But eventually I see a different look on people’s faces. And it’s a look of understanding: Understanding the necessity of letting go of a strongly held belief about how they have to work. It may be letting go of an idea of what it means to be a leader, recognizing there are other ways to communicate with our bosses, or recognizing what is missing from work. Eventually, I see a look on their faces that shows they understand they are the ones who have to take action. Eventually, people recognize they have to shift their perceptions and actions and do something.
I know it is easy to get locked into seeing your situation as fixed, final, set in stone. Pema Chodron, the author and American Buddhist nun, tells this story of how hard it is to give up our views even in the face of compelling evidence: “A man’s only son was reported dead in battle,” she wrote. “The father locked himself in his house for three weeks, refusing all support and kindness. In the fourth week, the son returned home. Seeing that he was not dead, the people of the village were moved to tears. Overjoyed, they accompanied the young man to his father’s house and knocked on the door. ‘Father,’ called the son, ‘I have returned.’ But the old man refused to answer. ‘Your son is here, he was not killed,’ called the people. But the old man would not come to the door. ‘Go away and leave me to grieve!’ he screamed. ‘I know my son is gone forever and you cannot deceive me with your lies.’”1
So it is with all of us. We are certain we must continue our way of seeing and doing things, our truth. We too often think that our way of working and living is the only way. It’s not. Breaking away will take some courage, some risk, and some tough work.
It Starts with You
I used to wonder why many people do not have the kind of life they want at work. They’re smart. They have a solid skill set, a good education, money, graduate degrees. In fact, it looks like they are in the best situation possible. Shouldn’t work be better? Shouldn’t life be better? After all, work is such a big part of life.
But often these individuals think of their career first and postpone the long process of learning who they are. They have things backward. The first step for you to gain satisfaction in your career is to know yourself and know what you want.
I always ask new clients, “What do you want?” You’d be surprised at the long silences that typically follow that question. You’d think I was asking them to solve a complex math problem without a calculator, because the most frequent answer I get is, “I don’t know. I don’t know what I want.”
In some cases, a client will say, “I know what I want, but I don’t think I can ever have it,” “My wife wouldn’t let me do that,” or, “I’ll become homeless if I take that kind of job.” It’s a big question.
How about you? What do you want? What kind of life at work would you like to have?
When you answer, don’t think about obstacles. It’s time to think about what you really want. And it’s never too late. “When is the best time to plant a tree?” an old Chinese proverb begins. “Twenty years ago and today.” The same is true for you and your work.
In graduate school, I learned about a concept called “locus of control.” Developed by psychologist Julian Rotter, locus of control means how you perceive the source of control within your own life. People with high locus of control believe they have high control of their lives. People with low locus of control believe that other forces and people control their lives.2
Locus of control refers to your beliefs and perceptions rather than what is really happening. If you believe that your promotion is based on external factors like luck or favoritism by your boss, this would show low locus of control. If you believe your promotion is based on your own effort and your relationships with others, this would show high locus of control. This is not an absolute measure. Think of it more as a scale where most of us would fall somewhere between the two extremes.
In my work, I have seen many people increase their locus of control and take greater charge of their own lives. It’s possible to change your beliefs and widen your perceptions. One key is to detach from your current beliefs by living more in the moment. That’s why I tell people to ask themselves, “What do I want to create today?” every day when they head to work.
I suggest they give some thought to what they want work to look like, what they want work to feel like. For example, if they’ve been having arguments with their boss, what different kind of relationship could they create. What could they change to make things better? One client of mine who loves to ski decided she would like to create a situation at work that looked like skiing. She would encounter “moguls” at work, but she would know how to handle them or maneuver around them, just like she did on the slopes.
Creating something today might also mean a single-minded focus on completing a report, preparing a PowerPoint presentation, or preparing a marketing plan. It could be beginning a friendship with a new coworker or building a stronger relationship with the boss. It might mean taking a step toward creating a better atmosphere at work by bringing pastries to the morning meeting or leaving your office door open as an invitation for others to come in and chat.
I suggest people answer the question for that day, right then, and think about what could happen now—not yesterday, not next week, but now. Try asking yourself what you would like to create today. You’ll be surprised at the result, as long as you let yourself be open to the answer. Don’t let yourself be trapped into obsessing about the boss or yesterday’s awful client meetings or worrying about what you will do after retirement. Instead, ask yourself what you want to create today, right now, at this moment.
If the question Do you know what you want? is too tough to answer or appears too abstract, the question Do you know what you want to create today? will help you see what work could be. It’s a small step, one that will help you figure out the answer to the bigger question of what you want.
Don’t critique what you want or say it’s impossible. Don’t wait until you finish this book. Just say what you want. Write it down. Now.
Have you forgotten what you want? Many people have, or they’ve decided they can’t obtain what they want, so they hide their real thoughts, feelings, and desires. Some are so busy just working away that they don’t even think about what they want. Others fear that if they say what they want, they may set themselves up for disappointment if they cannot achieve it.
I’m always skeptical when I hear people say, “I don’t know what I want.” It comes out too easily. Often the person really does know what they want. Or at least they know what they once wanted.
It’s easier not to acknowledge what you want, because with acknowledgment comes the responsibility of taking some action to achieve the goal. So, instead of declaring what they want, many people ignore and suppress what they want and simply say, “I don’t know.”
How about you? Do you find you’re not being honest with yourself in this way? Are you really someone who “doesn’t know”?
If the answer to what you want doesn’t come to you right away, it can come to you over time. When working with my clients, I ask questions such as these to get closer to the answer:
• What’s missing from the work you currently do?
• What do you like to do?
• What do you dislike doing?
• How would you like to work with your boss?
• Are there some images that
