your comfort zone. Try new foods and go to new restaurants. You may find that you like what you never thought you could possibly like. You’ll meet new people and be encouraged to travel and learn more about other cultures. Learning about another way of life could push you to question assumptions about your career.
Try different sports, learn to dance, or read a book that typically wouldn’t interest you. As I tried more new things, I discovered the enjoyment of riding on roller coasters and realized I wanted more excitement in my life. Now I even like the thrill of sitting up front in a roller coaster.
3. Pay attention to any physical reactions you have to people and to work.
Your body gives you information you can’t ignore. You get a hangover or a headache if you drink too much. You get an upset stomach when you are under stress. People often say their “stomach is in knots” when they’re feeling nervous.
Notice what happens to your body when you’re faced with certain types of tasks or dealing with certain people. Pay attention to these reactions.
Your body sends you strong, important messages. They all mean something. Does the thought of meeting new people make you sweat? Does looking at a pile of invoices make you shake? Do you feel like you’ve just been run over by a truck when you get off the phone with a certain person? Do you have a big smile on your face when you see certain colleagues? Do you get pumped up with adrenaline when you visit a factory to talk with young engineers?
When I asked one client, Stephen Chen, whether his body was giving him any messages, he told me he noticed it was becoming difficult to wake up in the morning to go to work. It wasn’t because he was tired. He just didn’t want to go in. He’d eventually get himself to the train station, but at least once a week he’d fall asleep on the train and pass the station where he was supposed to get off for his office. His body was sending him a message about his work.
4. Notice the people you attract.
Your friends and colleagues are often your mirror. You can see yourself in them. Are they active, energetic, happy, party animals, homebodies, movie lovers, creative, negative, boring?
What can you say about your friends? Take a look at them. Do you see yourself in them?
When I was teaching, my classes were always active, and by the end of the first month of the semester, the students would know almost everyone else in the class. At the end of each class session, they’d hang around to talk with me or make plans with each other to get something to eat, have a drink, or work on a project. It was interesting to see how the various informal groups formed. The more active students found each other; the ones who wanted to be entrepreneurs would also find one another. Even the ones who were falling behind and didn’t know what was going on would band together.
Who are your friends at work? What do these choices say about you? Are your friends seen by others the way you would like to be seen? Is it time for some new friends, some different colleagues?
5. Meditate—it’s the gateway to self-knowledge.
Meditation is not something only for people who chant and wear white robes. Meditation can help you learn about yourself. Meditation also reduces your stress levels, clears your mind, and lowers your heart rate.
You may want to learn a particular method of meditation, such as transcendental meditation or a type of meditation based on Buddhist or Indian principles. I’ve been meditating for more than thirty years. I need it to thrive. My style of meditation is my own, combined with visualization of what I want my day to look like. It ties in nicely with what I want to create every day. I let go of any stress I might feel. I relax. I clear my mind of any worries I might have. I think of how I want to go through my day. I push aside some of the problems that have been on my mind. I think of who I might see during the day and how I would like to deal with them.
If you’d like to learn an easy way to start meditating, I recommend The Relaxation Response by Herbert Benson. You can learn what to do in a very short time, and if you practice for ten to twenty minutes twice a day, you will relieve your tension and gain a clear focus for your day, and, as Benson says on his book’s back cover, obtain “a richer, healthier, more productive life.”3
Meditation will give you greater peacefulness and a stronger connection to yourself. You’ll be happier and more fulfilled, and you’ll enjoy improved relations with people at work. It’s no wonder there is a resurgent interest in meditation in Silicon Valley companies. Google, for example, offers meditation classes to its employees.
Often when I call a Boston-based friend of mine, I hear his voice mail announce, “I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone now. I’m meditating. Please leave your message and I will get back to you.” Meditation is clearly a priority for him.
Famed professional basketball coach Phil Jackson was also a great believer in the power of meditation. In his book Sacred Hoops: Spiritual Lessons of a Hardwood Warrior, Jackson talks about practicing Zen meditation, using the book Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind as his guide.4 Make your mind clear, Jackson recommends, drawing on the Buddha’s teaching in the Dhammapada: “Everything is based on mind, is led by mind, is fashioned by mind. If you speak and act with a polluted mind, suffering will follow you.”5
If your thinking has been clouded with worries, or if you have been having trouble making a decision, meditation helps you clear away the clouds hanging over you. If you easily get caught up in arguments at work, meditation will help you stay calm and think before jumping in. When you meditate, you notice the thoughts that come into your mind and you quietly let them go.
6. Find a counselor or coach.
You can certainly learn about yourself on your own, but it will help if you can find someone to talk with about your process of self-understanding and self-realization. The learning will go deeper and faster too. You might think you can simply talk with your partner or best friend, but they aren’t necessarily the best choices. They know you too well. They carry baggage about you, just as you carry baggage about them. They are likely to have a certain bias about what steps you should take. You need to choose someone who is not committed to a particular outcome, who isn’t so familiar with you.
It was once very common for people to consult with trained therapists such as psychologists, psychiatrists, and family counselors. Today it seems to be more usual for people to work with a career coach or an executive coach.
Find someone who can support you as you learn about yourself. Whether you choose a psychologist, a counselor, or a coach, make sure you feel comfortable talking with that person. Do not choose someone who will push you into taking a new position or a certain belief system before you are ready. This is the time to think in terms of opening options, not closing them.
By learning more about yourself, you will strengthen your emotional intelligence so you’ll be aware of the effects of other people on you and your effect on them. You’ll be able to better match yourself to the type of work you do and the way you’d like to work. You will gain some insight into the changes you will need to make in order to have the kind of life you want. You’ll also develop the confidence you need to make those changes.
In case you’re wondering, you don’t have to follow all of the methods I have detailed here simultaneously. Choose the ones that are most suitable for you. You can meditate, work with a counselor, listen to your friends—there’s no set order, no prerequisites. By doing as many as you can when you can, you’ll learn about yourself more quickly and more confidently.
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