a specific job they want, but to think about what they would like from work and at work. Skill development? Joy? Fun? Respect? Independence? Accomplishment? Challenge? Who are the people you want to work with?
The answers eventually do come: “I want to work with my hands,” “I’d like to help people,” “I’d like to be more independent,” “I’d like to have a more flexible schedule,” “I want to handle my boss better,” “I’d like to be more confident,” “I want to use what I learned in business school.”
I tell people to do some research, just like they once did in school or in other jobs. But this time the subject of their research is themselves.
To get what you want, you do not necessarily have to change jobs. You may be able to stay in the same job or with the same company by shifting your perspective or by transferring to another department. You may have to learn new skills for handling people, solving problems, or doing different tasks, but don’t jump in right away with a to-do list. It’s too early for that.
Does this idea of giving some serious thought to what you want speak to you? Have you been avoiding thoughts about what you really want? Is your first reaction, “I’m too busy to think about all this”?
Yet what could be more important?
It may seem that learning more about yourself is going backward rather than forward. But by learning about yourself, you are gaining insights that will give you the energy to have the kind of life at work you truly want.
You might wonder why you have to do this or why you can’t just take a test that will tell you everything you need to know about yourself. Indeed, there are tests that will give you insight into yourself, but it’s more important to develop the skills for observing yourself. Why let a test dictate the way you will live your life? Now is the time to develop self-observation skills you can use throughout your life.
I hear people say, “If only I had another boss, this job would be perfect.” Yet once they get a new boss, things may be good for a while, but then I hear the same complaint: “My new boss is ruining my life at work.” It’s the same with money. “If only my salary were higher, I’d be happy.” But then after a raise or two, their spending has increased beyond their new salary and they’re wishing for even more money.
Having the kind of life you want at work has to do with only one person: you. Not your boss, not your spouse, not your family. Know about yourself and what you want first, and then it will be easier to deal effectively with your boss, spouse, and everyone else.
What to Do
Have you ever kept a daily journal or notebook? I have for more than thirty years, and it’s been a helpful tool for learning. Dedicate a notebook or computer file to yourself. Write down what you’re thinking about work and answer these questions, most of which I listed a few paragraphs ago:
• What’s missing from the work you currently do?
• What do you like to do?
• What do you dislike doing?
• How would you like to work with your boss?
• Are there some images that come to mind when you think about the way you would like to work?
• Can you draw or describe these images?
• What do you want most of all?
When people ask me how they can become more successful at what they do, I always suggest they begin with self-knowledge. Here are several strategies I suggest that you too can use to learn about yourself.
1. Listen carefully to what people tell you.
“You are so creative,” “You’re so outgoing,” “You look so happy,” “You are really good with people; you’d make a great salesman.” What do people say directly to you? These people are serious. You do not have to agree with what they say about you. But they are giving you valuable information. Appreciate it. When you get unsolicited comments, people are seeing something in you—something you may not even see yourself. It’s not easy to change the way we see ourselves, but others can see something in us we do not even realize is there. Use your notebook or a computer file to write down what people are telling you.
Last week when I was introduced at a party, the host told one of the guests I was someone who knew beauty. I had never thought about myself that way even though I do own an art gallery. It was nice to hear this comment, and it made me think about myself in a different way. No doubt people say things about you that you may not have ever considered. Listen to them—and learn.
Some people have difficulty accepting compliments. If you’re like that, you may be tempted to discount or dismiss the nice comments or disagree with them by saying, “That’s not really true,” or, “You are too kind.” But resist doing so. Let it in. Just say, “Thank you.”
Ditto for criticism. If people tell you, “You are defensive,” “You have a short fuse,” or, “You don’t listen,” accept it and thank them for the feedback. You can also ask for more information—“Why do you think I’m defensive?”—or ask for simple examples. You don’t have to agree or disagree with them. Just be thankful you can get such feedback.
2. Go somewhere new, meet and see different people, do things you’ve never done before.
It’s so easy to come up with the same programmed reactions and answers when you go to the same gym, the same restaurants, the same coffee shops. You’re a creature of habit, like all of us.
Taking a job in Japan was an important step for me. Many of the clients I have worked with in Tokyo have told me the same thing. You go to a new place and meet new people and you feel less constrained. The responses and comments from people in your new place will be unencumbered and fresh. They will see you differently than your usual pals, and you’ll uncover parts of yourself you may have kept hidden or didn’t even know about.
Go to a culture that is very different, even for a visit, and you can see a lifestyle that may encourage you to look inside yourself. In Southern California I had what looked like a great life: a house by the beach, a good consulting practice, a BMW, a university position, some good friends. And I ran and swam almost every day.
I had the outside indicators of success, but inside there was something else going on. I spent a lot of time thinking about only one topic: status. I wanted more of it—to buy a bigger house, to drive a newer BMW, to open a bigger office. I focused on what other people thought rather than what I really wanted. The obsession with status was really a way of avoiding the truth. Like Ken at the beginning of this chapter, I didn’t know what I really wanted.
I took a one-month break to try to figure things out. It wasn’t a vacation, but a trip to learn more about myself and what I wanted. I went to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. I spent time relaxing on the beach, exploring the sights, and watching the people. They looked happy, happier than the strivers I was hanging around with in Southern California. They didn’t have much money, but they got enjoyment from walking along the ocean and being with their families and friends. I came back with a different perspective on how much money I needed to be happy. This was a trip with a purpose: to find out more about myself.
Next time you take a trip, travel for insight. Travel for self-discovery.
You also can learn about yourself by trying new
