I have been doing that is causing me pain or suffering?” We have to be open to see them and then acknowledge them honestly. Eating a piece of fudge every day may not be that bad, but a whole boxful every day will be. So look at your habits and first acknowledge what you are doing.
Awareness is key because without it we can’t change the habit. That’s why I recommend every day taking some time for self-reflection and asking yourself, “How is my life going?” Is it doing well? Are you doing things that are healthy for you? An example is exercise. It is healthy for us, and if we’re not doing it, what are we doing instead? If we can acknowledge that every day we come home and we spend a couple of hours watching TV to unwind or having a few glasses of alcohol, we have to spot it and say, “Hmm, perhaps this is a bad habit that I need to begin to change.” It’s important that we are honest because we can really fool ourselves. Think about heroin addicts—doing their drug every day and not even aware of how it is ruining their lives. On some level, of course, they are, but they are in pretty strong denial. So, we need to look at ourselves honestly and ask, “How is this affecting my life now? What is this going to do to me in five, ten, twenty years? How is it going to affect others in my life?”
Habits that we feed get stronger with time. Let’s be honest about what we are doing because if we’re not aware, we can’t change the bad habits into good ones.
The second thing we need to do is create change through kindness and patience with ourselves. Once we discover we have a bad habit, we tend to be very self-critical. But this creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we tell ourselves we’re bad, bad, bad for doing a bad habit, we’re going to stay stuck doing the bad—and stuck for decades. It’s actually the negative criticism that causes the bad habit to remain. We live down to that belief that we’re bad. When we’re critical, we focus on what’s wrong. There’s a very important question we can ask that will help us, especially because habits take a long time to change: “What can I learn from this?”
Instead of being so highly self-critical, we can see what we can learn from it. Kindness is going to help us more than beating ourselves up. When people get into a drug or alcohol habit, they wake up in the morning after using and are very self-critical. They feel like a terrible person, and even their loved ones might reinforce the behavior. A more positive habit is to go to an AA or NA meeting. So, instead of hearing “I’m bad, I’m bad, I’m bad” all day long, at the meeting, one can learn to separate the self from the action or addiction, build a little self-confidence, and begin to change. Feeling better about oneself and one’s ability to change leaves room for getting out of the addiction.
It’s the same with any habit. If we are self-critical, we’re going to repeat that habit over and over. If we want to blame something or someone for our habits, we could turn to genetics or our conditioning. But criticism of self or others isn’t going to do anyone any good. If you make a bad choice, ask what you can learn from it. It might take a bit of time, but we can change that habit.
Since we’re using awareness to understand our habits, we’re probably going to discover that most of our habits are methods to feel good after a stressful day. For example, when we’re tired, when we’re exhausted, when we want to come home and need to relax, we might eat fudge, drink a glass of wine, or smoke a joint. We think it will help us deal with stress and relax, but it’s bad for us because we can become addicted to the habit. But we remain in awareness here; we don’t criticize ourselves but only see what we are doing and why. To change the bad habit, we have to understand that change is going to come from kindness.
So what do we do next? We change habits by actually addressing that stress and doing something differently. It’s normal after a long day to be exhausted, and stress happens to a lot of people. Instead of having the fudge or wine at the end of the day, we come up with a good alternative. We ask, “How can I address this stress differently?” We change the habits. Let’s say instead of coming right home, we stop at the gym first as a way to eradicate some of that stress. Or, we go to friends and chat about what’s going on. Or, we go for a walk in the park. We don’t just remove the bad habit; we replace it with a new one.
Now, because the other habit is pretty strong, we may forget a few times, and if we do we can go back to asking, “What can I learn from this?” You might need to set an alarm to remind yourself to go to the gym or meet your friends, for instance. There are many things we can do instead of relying on the old habit.
We might think we just need to be strong and stop the habit, but power of mind is sometimes not enough. If willpower were enough, then everyone who is struggling with an alcohol or drug addiction would easily quit. It doesn’t work. What does work is finding a new habit that we can follow. We may need to try several before getting a good one that we stay with. The alcoholic says, “I am going to go to meetings.” The person who struggles with a fudge addiction says, “I am going to go for a walk before coming home.” All we have to do is begin to see things differently and not resort to attacking ourselves. There are many things we can do differently and we just need to experiment until we find the one that is right for us.
As much as bad habits are created, so are good habits. I love doing yoga. I love walking. And I love meditating. They’re very strong habits inside me. I probably will do them until the day I die.
We can all develop good habits. and once in place, they can be difficult to break. So let’s change the bad habit into something that we want, but let’s do it kindly. Be patient. Each time we do mess up, we can see what we can learn from it. If what we are doing isn’t working, then we can try something else that will work and be better for us.
We work on things and can too easily get frustrated and then give up. We hear that self-criticism, and it can be harsh. But if we repeatedly use kindness, it works. We also have to be patient. In time, the good habits will become stronger. So if we work towards changing bad habits, we will be happier.
Let’s recap.
First, we have to be aware of what we are doing. We watch our thoughts to see what’s going on in our heads all day long.
Second, we need to be kind to ourselves as we work to change. Remember, we can be our harshest critics. We must realize habits come with conditioning, and we need to be kind towards changing that conditioning. When we mess up, we can say, “What can I learn from this?” Kindness works so we have to be kind no matter how long it takes.
Third, we have to change our habits. If we keep doing the same thing and expect different results, we’re going to be sorely disappointed. We have to change our habits by trying to do different things until we find something that works. Once we do that over and over, that will become the new habit. But it will be good for us.
Fourth, we need patience. If we have had a habit for ten years, it might take a few years to change it.
We need a positive coach to help us, and the coach we have all day long is the one in our minds. So be kind to yourself and think kind thoughts instead of resorting to damaging self-criticism.
Chapter Thirteen
Three Things to Do When Bad Things Happen
When we start feeling happier, we might get the idea that we are shielded from any more bad things. Unfortunately, bad things can still happen. Tragedies strike, no matter how great a place we reach in our lives.
This is true even of the most enlightened ones. Buddha lived many years after he had his first enlightenment. Although he lived into his eighties, he didn’t remain healthy and fit his whole life; everything didn’t only go well for him. People that he loved died, as he got older his body wore out, and he succumbed to illnesses.
Just because we
