come in all shapes and forms. We can all think of stories about people who are addicted to drugs and alcohol. These types of abuses are very common throughout the world. One of my uncles, with whom I grew up and of whom I was very fond, struggled with alcohol. He was a very giving, loving person, but the years of drinking alcohol truly destroyed his life. He was a very handsome, fun person to be around, and he used to train animals for Hollywood. One summer when I was a boy, he drove all the way to Iowa with a lion that he pulled in a trailer behind his car, stopping at our home for a visit. It was very exciting for me and formed a wonderful memory in my mind. But his daily use of alcohol shriveled his body, aged him, and cut his life short. Before he died, he lived by himself and had turned into a mean, unhappy man. My memories of him go back to his good years, but it’s sad to think how his life and happiness were so cheated by his addiction to alcohol.
What are addictions? Addictions are basically emotional pain killers. When we have something inside us that is upsetting, disconcerting, and emotionally charged, we have two options. The first is to feel it, get over it, heal it, and get better. The second option is to stuff it, repress it, hold the feelings in, and keep it inside ourselves. Just as if I have a physical ailment such as a horrible cut, I can go to the doctor, get stitches, and heal it the proper way. If I instead just take painkillers, neglecting the cut itself, it won’t hurt anymore, but it will only get worse, perhaps getting gangrene and possibly even killing me. Emotions work the same way, but slower. We need to feel our feelings, get over them, heal, and move on. It’s pretty simple actually, but it’s very hard for many of us to do. Why?
Again, the answer is simple. In the short term, addictions work; they take away the pain now. When you have to feel something, like that cut, it hurts at first. It can hurt quite a bit to clean it and take care of it properly. It can hurt quite a bit to clean out that emotional wound, too. We often don’t want to do this; we’d rather just not feel any pain, and if we turn to our addictions, they’ll turn off the pain almost instantly. Maybe they won’t turn off the pain completely, but they’ll turn it off enough that we don’t have to feel it, at least for now. Addictions are anything that turn off our emotions now.
There are an infinite number of addictions. We all know the big ones like drugs and alcohol, but there are many more. Others include working too much, being constantly busy, and striving for success. For example, Albert Einstein once said that when anyone he cared about died, he got very busy with his work in order not to have to deal with the pain. There are also more subtle forms of addiction. Some people I know put all their energy into raising their children so they don’t have to deal with their unhappy marriages. Others deal with a problem by avoiding it and moving on to something else. They leave the friendship, the job, whatever the problem is, hoping that going on to something else and not dealing with the problem or pain at hand will make it go away and that all will be well.
Addictions can be very subtle. Many people turn to sleeping pills because they can’t sleep. Perhaps they can’t fall asleep because they are on such a hectic, tight schedule that they need something to calm their racing mind at night. That little pill to help them sleep, instead of being something they need tonight, slowly becomes something they need every night, and it quickly begins to dominate and control their life. It becomes an addiction.
Turning off our feelings doesn’t work. Masking them with addictions doesn’t solve our problems; they remain . . . unresolved. It’s important that we face our feelings and the problems behind them. Just as we wouldn’t ignore a serious cut, it’s important for us not to ignore serious emotional wounds. Even subtle ones matter.
There’s a friend of mine who, every time she has a serious problem with her boyfriend or intimate partner, just leaves him. She doesn’t deal with the issue, she doesn’t work it out, and she doesn’t process it; she just ignores things and moves on to the next relationship. This approach isn’t healthy for her because she’s building up all these emotional wounds instead of facing them. It’s important for us to feel our feelings. It’s not hard to do; we just need to face them.
Addictions are very tricky. There are so many of them, and they come in so many disguises that we may not recognize. That’s why it’s important, in order to avoid addictions, that we do a lot of soul searching. We have to look into our hearts and ask, “How am I doing?” I think the best way to do this is to slow down, look at our lives, and ask further, “Hey, am I using anything on a regular basis that I can’t walk away from, that’s very important to me, and that I think in a sense I need?” Another way to look at it is to ask, “Am I not wanting to look at something inside me that requires some attention? Is there something I need to focus on and make sure that I’m not turning my feelings off and running away from it?”
The addiction can be subtle. That’s why meditation and meditation retreats are very important for our minds and health. They help us look at ourselves so we can know how we are doing. We must remember that we are not smarter than addictions. We must be aware of how things are going in our lives. If we’re turning towards something that we can’t seem to walk away from, and we know that it’s causing us or others to suffer, then we must look at it and say, “Hmmm, what’s causing this?” Don’t judge it; just look at it and spend some time exploring it. If it’s a feeling that needs to be healed, then heal it. If it’s a habit, walk away from it. That’s the best way to treat addictions.
Let’s say we’re struggling with a food addiction—we love eating chocolate and often eat too much of it. Each time we feel like eating chocolate, we can instead distract our minds by going for a walk or doing something besides indulging. Walking is one of my favorite ways of turning my mind away from something that is unhealthy for me towards something that is healthy. Going for a walk is an awesome way to focus the mind on something else. Try it; you just might like it!
Addictions are a lot like mosquito bites. That initial desire to scratch the itchy, red bump is very strong, but if we focus our minds on something else, the desire to scratch goes away. So too with addictions, when we feel the pull, if we do something else to take our minds off it, it goes away. Remember, our minds can focus on only one thing at a time. Addictions are fed by thoughts, by creating stories like, “Oh, it would be so great to have that right now.” However, if we focus our minds on something else, the desires slowly get weaker and go away. They may keep trying to come back, but if we continue to refocus our minds, they will go away.
There are so many addictions. It may overwhelm us to realize how many things we are addicted to, and that’s why I truly encourage everyone who wants to be happy to allow some quiet time. We have to have the peace and tranquility of our meditations to know ourselves. That is truly half the battle of conquering our addictions, our goal towards long-lasting happiness. We can do it; it just takes time, effort, and awareness.
Let’s tune into our inner being, taking time to see where we are and what we are feeling, so we can stop numbing ourselves with addictions and live full, happy lives.
Chapter Twelve
Turn Bad Habits into Good Habits
Some of the habits we have are good; some aren’t so good. How do we transform our unhealthy habits into good ones?
I’ll use myself as an example. I love fudge, and on a trip to Gethsemani in Kentucky, I found the monks there make the most magnificent fudge. Every day, they have a sample for all the retreats. So, before I came home, I ordered myself a box, and since I’ve been home, I’ve ordered more because they ship all over the world. Every day, I came home after work and ate a box of fudge. That was a bad habit. Bad habits ultimately lead us towards unhappiness because anything we do that is unhealthy for us is going to cause us suffering. Actually, bad habits can often be seen as addictions. They start with something small but in time become addictive. Addictions leave no room for true, lasting happiness.
The first part of changing habits is to be
