Mail
A pre-paid Business Reply Service envelope bears the address:
Post Office Savings, PO Box 198, Widnes, WA8 2AA On the back there is this message:
If undelivered return to: Post Office Savings, PO Box 198, Widnes, WA8 2AA.
Colin Stonely, Independent on Sunday
Well-behaved Dogs and Children Welcome on Leads’ – advert for the Turfcutters Arms in the Waterside Herald, spotted by Mrs Brenda Stevens, Southampton.
Waterside Herald
BUYING or SELLING a house could cost you dear. See a SOLICITOR… Just to be SURE.
Yorkshire Evening Press
Seen on a car in Norfolk: ‘If you can read this where the hell is my caravan?’
G. Wilford, King’s Lynn, Norfolk. Daily Telegraph
Notice in a London restaurant menu: ‘There is a very small possibility of finding nuts in our dishes that do not contain them at all.’
F. W. Crawley, London N6. The Times
I noticed that my ‘vanilla flavour’ yoghurt listed 14 added ingredients – not one of which was vanilla.
Ian Sykes, The Times
Seen in the back window of a van: ‘I owe, I owe, so off to work I go’.
Susan Morris, Chalfont St Peter.
Reader’s Digest
‘Neuter your cat at a cut price’. Ad in the Derby Evening Telegraph.
Jack Phillips, Derby. Daily Mail
Nigel Stapley, of Brymbo, Wrexham, recalls his favourite newspaper correction: ‘Due to a mishearing on the telephone we reported that Mr and Mrs (name withheld) would be living with the bride’s father. They will in fact be living at the Old Manse.’
Guardian
‘Virgin sleepers. Never been laid. £18 each plus VAT.’
Advertisement quoted in the Guardian
An advert for a pets’ underskin microchipping service, seen in a local paper in Droitwich, Worcestershire: ‘£9.50 per animal. Pensioners free’.
Daily Mail
Notice in a memorabilia shop in Mevagissey, Cornwall: ‘Do not tell the shopkeeper that you used to have one of those at home’.
Metro
The instructions with my new steam iron includes the warning: ‘Never steam iron the garment you are wearing’.
Christopher Bell, Sevenoaks, Kent. The Times
I recently bought a pack of tablets that states on the container: ‘For the relief of headaches’. Among the list of possible side effects it says: ‘May cause headaches’.
Ken Battersby, Millom, Cumbria. Daily Telegraph
I have been given a prescription for a medicine that has 83 possible side-effects, none of which I have suffered in the past. It would seem the cure is more hazardous than the complaint.
Ken Hill, Farnborough, Hants. Daily Telegraph
Inflatable single mattress, complete with pump. Ideal for those unwanted guests.
Advert in Basildon Evening Echo. Sunday Times
‘Visitors are invited to bring along some food suitable for sharing in a finger buffet’.
From the Swindon Evening Advertiser announcing a talk by missionaries on cannibalism.
‘If you enjoy working with people, why not become a mortuary technician?’
Dorset Echo
On a recent car journey we passed a fitness centre with the banner: ‘Detox Here’. A mile or two further on there was a pub sign: ‘Retox Here’.
Elaine Brooksbank, Illingworth, West Yorskshire. Reader’s Digest.
Instructions on a new digital telephone include: ‘When the other person answers, speak’.
Debbie Beasley, Langdon Hills, Essex.
The Times
Sir, I recently borrowed an aluminium extending ladder and, having climbed to the top, I found a small bright orange sticker with an arrow pointing at the top rung. In French, German and English it read: ‘STOP! This is the last rung’. I wonder who would ignore this instruction and carry on?
Les Wayles of Christchurch, Dorset.
The Times
In a contest to find Britain’s silliest packaging instructions the samples below were finalists:
Nytol sleep aid: ‘Warning: may cause drowsiness’.
Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert: ‘Do not turn upside down’ – printed on bottom of box.
Marks and Spencer’s bread pudding: ‘Product will be hot after heating’.
Boots Children’s Cough Medicine: ‘Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication’.
On several brands of Christmas lights: ‘For indoor or outdoor use only’.
On irons: ‘Never iron clothes on the body’.
On Lip Enhancing Gloss: ‘For external use on the oral lips only’.
On a child’s Superman costume: ‘Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly’.
Sunday Telegraph
Found on the underside of a box of sweets; ‘Do not read while the carton is open’.
Chris Spurrier, Hampshire. The Times
A woman writes from America to tell the Daily Telegraph about the Harry Potter broomstick given to her five-year-old. The packaging read: ‘Caution. Broom does not really fly.’
Daily Telegraph
On the handlebars of a child’s scooter: ‘Caution. This product moves when used.’
Martin G. Sexton, Norwich.
