underdog status. A classic case is cricketer Monty Panesar – wildly enthusiastic and only vaguely athletic. Every wicket Monty takes becomes its own joyful ‘would you believe it’ story.
Independent on Sunday
‘Plant was rooted to the spot.’
Football match report in the Littlehampton Gazette.
British newspapers and magazines do their best to maintain the myth that cricket is a gentleman’s game. The magazine Chap gives this advice for ‘keeping the gentleman’s game on a decent wicket: ‘When batting one should aim mainly to retain one’s dignity, particularly at the moment when your wicket is lost. The number of runs you score should be finely balanced so that you do not demoralise the opposition.’
Chap magazine
Foreign visitors to the sacred Lords cricket ground in London can buy an explanation of the game which says:
‘You have two sides. One out in the field and one in. Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out and when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out. When they are all out the side that’s out comes in and the side that’s been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When both sides have been in and out – including the not outs – that’s the end of the game. Howzat!’
From a tea-towel bought at Lords
Leeds manager Eddie Gray: ‘It was always an uphill task for us and after they scored it was downhill all the way. It left us with a mountain to climb.’
Sun
A golf ball that stuck in the mouth of a lioness at Knowsley safari park has changed the rules of the game. The game’s governing body now says that any golfer who hits a ball into the mouth of a lioness should be allowed to drop another ball on the nearest spot that is not dangerous.
Sunday Times
BBC commentator Kenneth Wolstenholme became a national institution after uttering the most famous words in British sport. As England scored a last-minute fourth goal in their 1966 World Cup triumph over Germany, he announced: ‘They think it’s all over, it is now.’ The Sun seized the opportunity of recalling other famous sporting quotes:
‘Football isn’t a matter of life and death – it’s much more important than that.’ Bill Shankly, manager of Liverpool.
‘Winning doesn’t really matter as long as you win.’ Soccer star Vinnie Jones.
‘For the benefit of those watching in black and white, Tottenham Hotspurs are playing in yellow.’ TV commentator John Motson.
‘Don’t tell those just coming in the result of this fantastic match – but let’s have another look at Italy’s winning goal.’ TV commentator David Coleman.
Sun
‘Authorities are reluctant to ban bungee jumping in case they drive it underground.’
Radio 4, reported in a letter to the Guardian
Henry Longhurst used to say that golf needed only three rules: the player who won the last hole tees off first. The player furthest from the flag putts first. The player who wins stands the first round of drinks.
Letter to The Times.
‘Wimbledon has changed from being a genteel sports fortnight for the suburban middle classes to a coarse gladiatorial contest for the vulgar masses… but the tennis is better than ever. Buy earplugs.’ Philip Howard in The Times.
Philip recalled Wimbledon’s original official announcements, which included: ‘Please do not applaud a double fault.’
The Times
A rugby scrum is ‘essentially a boxing match for 16 people without the Queensbury rules. It is home to punching, gouging and testicle twisting. Not pretty.’
Guardian
A Leicester angler uses jelly babies as bait and says that cod like black ones and bass like green ones.
The Times
Falcon Rovers striker Gary Davenport, aged 27, of West Sussex, was banned from the penalty box after heading 14 own goals.
Sun
Somebody may well have said something similar before, but Hugh Muir quotes George Best as saying: ‘I spent 90% of my money on women, drink and fast cars. The rest I wasted.’
Guardian Diary
Women now make up to a fifth of all fans attending Premiership football matches – and they enjoy abusing the ref as much as men. They seem to enjoy the singing and the tribalism – and swearing is just as prevalent as it has always been.
Independent on Sunday
Not many Olympic gold medals get pinned onto British chests, but the Sun attempted to cheer up its readers by reminding them that ‘We’re the world champs at wacky sports including gurning (pulling ugly faces), toe wrestling, lawn mower racing, arm wrestling, elephant polo, tug of war, kite-flying, welly-tossing, cheese rolling, black pudding throwing, ferret racing and tiddlywinks.’
Sun
The English rugby team’s defeat did not appear to dampen their spirits for their trip home. Their British Airways flight took off with 76 extra bottles of champagne and an increase of 60% in the usual beer allocation.
The Times
On BBC TV a doyen of the snooker table, approaching his 70th birthday, was said to be ‘too old to get his leg over and prefers to use his left hand.’ And Alex Higgins was said to be ‘suddenly, 7-0 down’.
The girlfriend of soccer star Jermain Defoe got a job at the Foreign Office – advising wannabe WAGs how to behave on overseas trips. 22-year-old Charlotte Meares’ advice to Wives and Girlfriends includes:
Get insured in case you fall off a bar table.
How to cope with broken finger nails or when your extensions turn green in the pool.
How to cope with cops after wild partying.
Always check that your hotel has a beauty parlour.
How to stay looking your best if you are not taking a personal stylist with you.
Sun
Sporting Brits may often fail to shine at international contests, but that’s not so when it comes to eccentric events such as the World Bog Snorkelling Championships.
Joanne Pitchforth, a 35 year-old teacher from Heckmondwike, West Yorkshire, beat an international field of 120 competitors and set a new world record at Llanwrtyd Wells, Mid-Wales.
