in Worthing, West Sussex:
WATERSHIP DOWN. YOU’VE READ THE BOOK. YOU’VE SEEN THE FILM. NOW TRY THE STEW.
Yorkshire Evening Post
Sign in a Chelsea butcher’s window:
YOU’VE READ THE BOOK. YOU’VE SEEN THE FILM. NOW EAT THE CAST.
Jennifer North, London SW1V. The Times
My favourite sign was in the window of an Indian restaurant in the Midlands: ‘Once you have eaten here, you’ll recommend others.’
Maggie D’Araujo, Bristol.
Guardian
Sign on a car park exit machine in Mousehole on the Cornish coast:
IF THE BARRIER FAILS TO OPERATE, GIVE THE MACHINE A LIGHT TAP. IF IT IS STILL NOT WORKING, PLEASE CALL AT THE SECOND SHOP ON THE LEFT AS YOU ENTER THE VILLAGE. IF THE SHOP IS CLOSED, CONTACT MR. SMITH AT 7 NEW ROAD, MOUSEHOLE.
R. D. Nash, St. Ives, Cornwall.
Daily Mail
Wacky warning labels have included: ‘Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.’ ‘This wood drill is not intended for use as a dental drill.’ ‘Remove child before folding this push chair.’ ‘Never iron clothes while they are being worn.’
Independent on Sunday
I once stayed in a Blackpool B&B featuring a sign reading: ‘No Wearing Boots in Bed.’
Andrew Marr, Daily Telegraph
The packaging on a rain gauge purchased by David Booker of Bognor Regis carried the words: ‘Ideal for outdoors’.
The Times
On leaving the M5 and taking the road to Portishead there’s a sign saying: ‘Danger – Low Flying Owls’. On the A249 in Kent there is signpost for Hucking on which someone has written underneath: ‘Hell’.
Daily Mail
There was a demonstration of marital arts on the village green.
Spotted by Bob Lee of Byfleet, Surrey in the Byfleet and Addlestone Review. Daily Mail
John Furniss, of Bedale, North Yorkshire, bought sunglasses with a label saying that they were ‘Filter Category 1, tested to British Standard BS EN1836’. A second label said: ‘Not for use in bright sunlight’.
The Times
A Daily Telegraph reader saw a birthday card for an 80-year-old that carried the message: ‘Not suitable for children under three’. Ricky Kelehar, of London N16 then wrote to say he had bought a card with the same message. Unfortunately it was for a two-year-old.
Daily Telegraph
Luton Angling Club has designed a sign showing a swan inside a red circle along with a knife and fork and the Guardian asks: Does it mean ‘Don’t Feed the Swans?’ Or ‘Swans Not Served Here?’ Or ‘A Swan Is Never To Be Used As Cutlery?’ Apparently the sign is aimed at informing immigrants that wild swans are not for human consumption – ‘Unless you are the Queen, who eats them every Wednesday.’
Guardian
The Bennetts of Pilton, Somerset, sent their daughter a ‘Congratulations on Your Graduation’ card. On the reverse it said: ‘Not suitable for children under five.’
The Times
Claire-Marie Slater, of Tunbridge Wells, bought a disposable barbecue with this warning: ‘Do not use in cribs, beds, prams or playpens.’
The Times
Bryan Flake writes about passing through a quaint village with this greeting sign:
‘HONK IF YOU LIKE OUR QUIET LITTLE TOWN’.
Reader’s Digest
Sign seen at Unst, Shetland Isles, by Mrs M Featherstone, of Spalding, Lincolnshire:
DONALD RITCH PURVEYOR OF FINE MEATS, FLAT CAPS & TURPENTINE
Daily Mail
This road sign was spotted by Robert Kite, of Sutton-in-Ashfield, Nottinghamshire:
BROADBOTTOM PUBLIC CONVENIENCES
‘Where do the narrow bottoms go?’ asked the caption.
Daily Mail
As part of its determination to get tough on crime a police force put up signs urging: ‘Don’t Commit Crime’. Other daft signs spotted by the Plain English Campaign included:
Water on Road During Rain
All Fuel Must be Paid For (at petrol stations)
Warning! Platform Ends Here (at a railway station)
Sun
Seen in an Edinburgh bar:
EAT HERE & YOU’LL NEVER LIVE TO REGRET IT
Spotted by Mr R. Howard, of Manchester. Daily Mail
Pauline Moore of Woodbridge, Suffolk, reports a birthday card bearing the message: ‘May this be your best birthday ever’. It was for a one-year-old.
Sunday Telegraph
Seen on a fence in the Lake District near Crummock Water and photographed by Peter Pedley:
TEK CARE LAMBS ONT ROAD
Seen on a farm gate at Cockerham, near Lancaster, by Malcolm Nightingale, of Preston, Lancashire:
OWER SHEEP AVE NO ROAD SENSE
Daily Mail
Sporting joy sweeps through England after victories in three major sports – football, rugby, and… conkers…
A box containing a pair of Puma trainers carries this vital information: ‘Average Contents: Two’.
Daily Mail
Brighton and Hove Albion are blessed with a diminutive mid-fielder, Dean Cox – inspiring some fans to chant: ‘We’ve got tiny Cox’. Others prefer: ‘We’ve got five-foot Cox’.
Guardian
