Dedicated to my son Gary –
who brings order to
my disjointed ramblings
Contents
Title Page
Dedication
1 Mixed Messages: Signs of the Times
2 Medical: What’s Up, Doc?
3 Politics: Order, Order
4 Legal: Law and Disorder
5 Britishness: Quintessentially British
6 Eccentric: Where British is still Best
7 Over Fifties: Golden Oldies
8 Language: My Word
9 Drinking: Drink to me Only
10 Royalty: Royal Flush
11 Animal Magic
12 Media Madness
13 Religious: Let us Pray
14 Sport: This Unsporting Life
15 Class: A Touch of Class
16 Nine to Five: It’s off to Work we Go
17 Education, Education, Education …
18 Council Daze
19 Food for Thought
20 Transport: Keeping Britain Moving
21 Love and Marriage: From Miss to Mrs. Is this what bliss is?
22 Motoring: Driven to Distraction
23 Afterlife: Life’s a Bitch and then you Die
24 Army Life: Barmy Army
25 Christmas: Let Nothing you Dismay
26 Odds and Sods
About the Author
Copyright
Mixed Messages: Signs of the Times
Lip-enhancing gloss labelled ‘For external
use on the oral lips only’.
‘The instructions with my new steam iron include the warning: “Never steam iron the garment you are wearing.”’
Christopher Bell, Sevenoaks, Kent, The Times
‘Spring Health Leisure require part-time fitness instructor able to work evenings and weekends. Must be flexible.’
Spotted in the Hartlepool Mail by Les Hester
Seen in a car park in Bakewell, Derbyshire, a sign saying: ‘Public Toilets’. And underneath it a sign saying: ‘Have You Paid and Displayed?’
Mrs Wendy Brant, Daily Mail
Instructions on a new digital telephone include: ‘When the other person answers, speak.’
Debbie Beasley, Langdon Hills, Essex, The Times
Sign at King’s Cross railway station – designed to help passengers with pre-booked seats on the 16.28 to Doncaster: ‘Coach G is in M. M is in J. E is split between A and D.’
Mark Carter, Beverley, Yorkshire, The Times
Sign seen on the back window of a car: ‘Caution. Driver under the influence of children.’
Sue Barnard, Altrincham, Cheshire, The Times
‘A charity that helps dead and blind people is looking for volunteers.’
Spotted in the Hastings Observer by Mrs M Tower, of Broad Oak, East Sussex
Because of a new EC directive it was felt necessary to put up a sign on the slopes of the Cairngorms in Scotland saying: ‘Hazard Warning. This snow could be slippery and dangerous.’
Sunday Telegraph
Sign on the door of a repair shop: ‘We Can Fix Anything. Please knock on the door, the bell is broken.’
Reader’s Digest
The @ sign used in e-mails is known as ‘monkey’s tail’ in South Africa, ‘pickled herring’ in the Czech Republic, ‘snail’ in Israel, ‘maggot’ in Hungary, ‘little mouse’ in Mandarin Chinese and ‘little monkey’s testicle’ in Holland.
The Times
Advert in the Glossop Chronicle & Advertiser for a factory shop closing down sale: ‘New stock arriving daily.’
Spotted by Mr L A Penny of Glossop, Daily Mail
A winter sports catalogue advertises: ‘Ladybird £14.95. A small city backpack for girls with a padded bottom.’
Sunday Times
Britain has many weird and wonderful place names (Crackpot, Blubberhouses, Pratts Bottom, Twatt, Booze) – but the US throws up some stiff competition. ‘Fearnot’ and ‘Rough and Ready’ are neighbouring towns in Pennsylvania, which led to the headline: ‘Fearnot man marries Rough and Ready Woman.’
Independent on Sunday
In a contest to find Britain’s silliest packaging instructions the samples below were finalists:
Nytol sleep aid: ‘Warning: may cause drowsiness.’
Tesco’s tiramisu dessert: ‘Do not turn upside down’ – printed on bottom of box.
Marks and Spencer’s bread pudding: ‘Product will be hot after heating.’
Boot’s
