Daily Telegraph
On Christmas Day, a Hampshire GP got a call from a patient: ‘I’m on antibiotics. Can I wash my hair?’
This was among a collection of witless out-of-hours calls collected by Pulse magazine. Others included:
‘Can the dog be treated on the NHS?’
‘I’m doing a crossword. How do you spell eczema?’
‘How many calories are there in prawns?’ Independent on Sunday
When a patient in a specialist ward in Wakefield, Yorkshire, fell ill with a chest infection, nurses had to dial 999 for an ambulance to take him to the Accident and Emergency Ward – 150 yards away. Routine procedure made it necessary to get the 80-year-old readmitted as a new patient. A hospital spokeswoman said: ‘I accept it must seem quite odd, but the doctors in A&E are trained to find out what’s wrong. We apologise.’
Sun
A 19-year-old asylum seeker facing deportation was granted a reprieve after claiming that he will fall victim to a witch doctor’s spell if returned to Africa.
Daily Mail
A faith healer targeted his powers on a deaf woman during a ‘miracle healing crusade’ at Brampton Speke, Devon. Afterwards he had to shout at her repeatedly to ask if she could hear better.
Exeter Express and Echo
Twenty-six-year-old Becky Nyang from Reading almost died when lightning hit metal studs in her mouth. She reported getting blisters on her feet where the lightning bolt exited.
Daily Mail
When old soldier Bill Edwards sent his artificial leg to the repairers … the Post Office lost it. A search through undelivered parcels unearthed two false legs. Neither of them were Bill’s.
Sunday Express
A Scarborough schoolteacher went to hospital for treatment after being hit by a boot thrown by a pupil during a welly-throwing contest.
Yorkshire Evening Post
When I saw a man collapse in the street I stopped my car and ran to give him cardio-pulmonary resuscitation. A traffic warden approached and I asked him to call an ambulance – but he said that wasn’t his job and gave me a ticket.
Debra Selinger W1, London, Daily Mail
An Essex hospital put both the arms of a two-year-old boy in plaster – because they forgot which one he had broken.
News of the World
DIY is deadly dangerous. Every year there are around 70 deaths and 250,000 serious accidents involving DIY, reports a survey. And one in ten of us has to spend over £1,000 rectifying bodged efforts.
One man dislodged guttering when retrieving his son’s kite. He climbed a ladder to fix the guttering. While he was up there the family budgie escaped through a bedroom window and distracted the DIY enthusiast. He ended up as part of the hapless 250,000.
The Times
Meet Miranda, Lionel and Smiling Boy – your Prime
Minister. Or is he just a cult?
When Peter Mandelson asked Gordon Brown for 10p to phone a friend, the Chancellor replied: ‘Here’s 20p – phone all of them.’
The Times
Peter Rushton, of Hyde, Cheshire, recalled an ancient joke from the satirical puppet show Spitting Image: ‘Margaret Thatcher’s Cabinet were in a restaurant. She ordered her main course and was asked: “What about the vegetables, ma’am?”
‘“They’ll have the same,” she replied.’
Daily Telegraph
House of Lords amendment on the Sexual Offences Bill: ‘Page 32, line 1. Leave out “genitals”. Insert “penis”.’
Sunday Times
‘There’s an old and no doubt unreliable story about Churchill and Sir Stafford Cripps, socialist member of the War Cabinet. Cripps was badgering Churchill about something and sent a civil servant to him with a message. Churchill was in the toilet and sent the civil servant back with the message that he could deal only with one shit at a time.’
Andrew Marr, Daily Telegraph
The late Earl of Arran introduced two Private Member’s Bills into the House of Lords. One was on badgers, the other on homosexuals. He allegedly told a friend: ‘When I spoke about badgers no one turned up. When I spoke about buggers, the place was packed.’ His friend replied: ‘There are very few badgers in the Lords.’
Daily Telegraph
‘The dreadful truth is that when people come to see their MP, they have run out of better ideas.’
Boris Johnson, Conservative MP for Henley, Daily Telegraph
‘Three years ago the Cabinet Office published its stultifyingly dull “Code of Practice on Written Consultation”. Now the minions of the Cabinet Office have launched a public consultation of the Code. A consultation on consulting. Not even Yes Minister went this far.’
Observer Pendennis column
A Sunday Telegraph correspondent revealed that a nickname for Robin Cook was PB – after Panurus biarmicus (bearded tit). Reader S G Clifford of Telford, Shropshire discovered from his bird encyclopaedia that the bearded tit is a member of the babbler family.
Sunday Telegraph
‘On being appointed leader of the Conservative Party, Michael Howard said that Tory MPs should not forget that the syllable at the heart of the party’s name is “serve” – overlooking the fact that the first syllable is “con”.’
Andrew
