Daily Mail
A Wacky Warnings Label Contest produced these gems:
On a fish hook: ‘Harmful if swallowed.’
On a toboggan: ‘May develop high speed under certain snow conditions.’
On a CD storage rack: ‘Do not use as a ladder.’
On a bottle of bleach: ‘If you do not understand or cannot read all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product.’ Independent on Sunday
James Whitworth, of Eastbourne, noticed ‘the pompous wording’ on the vehicle taking away his rubbish and wondered how the songwriter would have managed ‘My old man’s a recycling collection operator’.
Daily Telegraph
Warning on a pamphlet about birth control: ‘Reproduction forbidden without our written consent.’
Tony Rich, Bristol, Reader’s Digest
Sign on the stairs at Gidea Park, Essex, railway station: ‘Caution. Do not run on the stairs. Use the hand rail.’
E D Spink, Hornchurch, Essex, Daily Mail
Spotted on a package of frozen turkey breasts: ‘Can be cooked from frozen. If cooking from frozen please defrost in the fridge.’
Clare Day, Northampton, Daily Mail
A ‘Male Toilet’ sign seen at Hever Castle in Kent points to a battered tin bucket.
Mrs T Holley, Kent, Daily Mail
Sign in a jeweller’s shop in the West Midlands: ‘Tight rings removed while you wait.’
The Financial Times
‘At our local community refuse tip there is a sign saying: “If you can’t read, please ask for assistance.”’
Stuart Gray, Reader’s Digest
There’s an estate agency called Doolittle and Dalley in Bridgnorth, Shropshire.
Spotted by R J Kerridge of Worthing,
West Sussex, Daily Mail
When she was a child Catherine Pease-Watkin was always somewhat alarmed by a sign at a local hospital in Yorkshire: ‘White Hart Hospital. Guard Dogs Operating.’
Independent
‘Marks & Spencer used to supply bags bearing the legend: “To avoid suffocation keep away from children.”’
Elizabeth Monkhouse NW, London, Independent
‘To add to your letters on misleading signs, I certainly won’t be returning in a hurry to a pub in North Yorkshire which had a notice: “Try our delicious home made pies – you’ll never get better.”’
Ian Beresford, Stockport, Cheshire, Independent
Sign on a bulk carrier seen on the A23 in Sussex: ‘Non-hazardous food.’
Daily Telegraph
Sign outside a camping shop in Lytham, Lancashire: ‘Now is the season of our discount tents.’
Daily Telegraph
An information slip from Oxted Library:
Easter Opening Times 2003
Good Friday 18 April 2003 – Closed
Saturday 19 April 2003 – Closed
Easter Sunday 20 April 2003 – Closed
Monday 21 April 2003 – Closed Tony Duckworth, Oxted, Surrey, The Times
Sign in a hospital waiting room: ‘Books 20p each. Pay at reception as honesty box has been stolen.’
W J Brookes, Redditch, Worcestershire, Daily Mail
Man hospitalised by milk float – driven by dog …
A man went into Leeds Infirmary for a heart by-pass. Part of a leg vein was removed to replace a blocked artery. This meant that a tattoo on his leg, which used to read ‘I love women’, ended up reading ‘I love men’.
Independent on Sunday
Message seen on a wall at a Middlesex Hospital: ‘The only difference between this place and the Titanic is that they had a band.’
Guardian
Health advice – Beryl Bainbridge style: ‘It takes too long to get tight on champagne. On whisky it takes me only five minutes. Giving up smoking would kill me.’
Independent
‘First there was a report saying that going to the pub is good for the mind. In a second blow to the health police, my dentist tells me that smoking makes your fillings last longer.’
Jeremy Clarkson’s column in the Sun
At the age of 105 Dolly Jackson, of Hereford, said that she started smoking when she was 14 – but was giving it up to help her live longer.
News of the World
The West Country Ambulance Service received a barrage of ridiculous calls over the 2003–04 festive season, including those from:
A woman who was lonely and wanted a cuddle.
A couple who wanted someone to fetch logs from their shed.
A man scared of thunder.
Someone who had lost the TV remote control. Western Morning News.
In one recent year
