several brands of Christmas lights: ‘For indoor or outdoor use only.’
On a child’s Superman costume: ‘Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly.’
On lip-enhancing gloss: ‘For external use on the oral lips only.’ Sunday Telegraph
A box of fire-lighters warns me that they are ‘Highly Inflammable’.
Duncan Heenan, Isle of Wight, The Times
Sign on the Truro - Falmouth branch railway line: ‘Toilets are closed at Falmouth Town Railway Station due to flooding. Please use Falmouth Docks.’
Mrs A Dennant, Falmouth, Cornwall, Daily Mail
The British affection for place names – particularly silly ones – is celebrated in the Penguin Dictionary of British Place Names, compiled by Adrian Room.
You can soak up Booze in North Yorkshire or Beer in Devon and then go for a Wyre Piddle in Worcester.
Members of the Loose Women’s Institute in Kent may feel they have a slight edge on those at the Ugley Women’s Institute in Essex.
Daily Telegraph
Mucking and Messing are two place names in Essex.
The Times
Peter Luff MP recalls ‘a poem of place names in my constituency’:
Upton Snodsbury, Tibberton and Crowle
Wyre Piddle, North Piddle, Piddle in the Hole.
Sadly, writes Mr Luff, modern maps omit the last of these and it now lives on only as the appropriate name of a fine, locally brewed beer.
Daily Telegraph
Imagine my delight to learn from the packaging that my Tesco Premium teabags are ‘Suitable for everyday use. Throughout the day.’
Richard Arch, London NW, The Times
On the pack of a purchase from a garden centre: ‘Kills ants for up to five weeks.’
Catherine Henderson, Lancaster, The Times
Found on the underside of a box of sweets: ‘Do not read while the carton is open.’
Chris Spurrier, Hampshire, The Times
A woman writes from America to tell the Daily Telegraph about the Harry Potter broomstick given to her five-year-old. The packaging read: ‘Caution. Broom does not really fly.’
On the handlebars of a child’s scooter: ‘Caution. This product moves when used.’
Martin G Sexton, Norwich, The Times
Sign on a farm fence in Colwyn Bay: ‘Well rotted horse manure £1. Or DIY 50p’.
Daily Mail
Label on Tesco Pudding Rice: ‘Ideal for rice puddings.’
Norman Braidwood, Edinburgh, The Times
Sign at a van sales room in Beckenham: ‘All major credit cards excepted.’
Anthony Vigurs, The Times
Warning on an item of clothing: ‘The hemp used in this garment is non-toxic and cannot be used as a drug.’
The Times
People keep stealing a street sign identifying Butt Hole Road, Conisbrough, South Yorkshire. American tourists are suspected.
Sheffield Star
Label on a glass paperweight: ‘Easy to use.’
‘This I can confirm to be true,’ writes Paul McLure of Exeter in The Times.
A sign in Musselburgh, East Lothian, points to: ‘Toilets’. Underneath it another sign says: ‘Free P’.
Daily Mail
Sign in a butcher’s shop in the Yorkshire Dales: ‘Orders may be placed by e-mail or by fax or pushed under the door.’
Reader’s Digest
A book called The Warning Label Book includes the warning covering Ray-O-Vac batteries: ‘If swallowed or lodged in the ear or nose, see doctor.’ And this on the Sno-Off Automobile Windshield Cover: ‘Caution. Never drive with the cover on your windshield.’
Independent on Sunday
Sign in a hotel in Great Yarmouth: ‘Please fold up wheelchairs when using the ramp.’
Daily Mail
Stephen Edwards of Nottingham wrote to The Times about a sign he saw in India: ‘The Old Ladakh Guest House – hospitalising since 1974.’
British tourists frequently steal the road signs that tell them they have arrived in the South-West France town of Condom.
Independent
Underneath the ‘automatic door’ sign at the TSB Bank in Bracknell, Berkshire, there is another sign saying: ‘Push to Open.’
Paul Simmonds, Daily Mail
‘I have just returned from a cruise where a Force 10 made the ship pitch. My Boots Travel Calm Tablets had an accompanying advice leaflet warning of possible side effects “which may include vomiting”. Oh – joy!’
Mrs Gloria Gillot, Cambridge,
The Times
Sign seen outside a hotel near Blackpool by Thelma Hawes of Southampton: ‘Please Be Careful When Reve Your C’. The rest of the sign has been broken off, presumably by a reversing car.
Daily Mail
Sign above a men’s urinal in York: ‘RELAX. Help is at hand. Please ask a member of staff if you can’t find what you are looking
