8Parenthood after Egg Donation
9Ethics and Faith
10The Globalization of Egg Donation
11Egg Donation, Ever Changing
RESOURCES
REFERENCES
Acknowledgements
We acknowledge the contributions of the many mothers and fathers through egg donation who have shared their personal stories with us and the professionals who have shared their experience and wisdom and are quoted informally throughout this book. The following people gave generously of their time and expertise: Judy Calica, MSW; Ruth Claiborne, JD; Susan L. Crockin, JD; Joann Paley Galst, PhD; Elaine Gordon, PhD; Carol Fulwiler Jones, MA; Wendy Kramer; Sharon LaMothe; Carol Lesser, NP; Joe B. Massey, MD; Patricia Mendell, LCSW; Olivia Montuschi; Kris Probasco, MSW; Christine Reynolds; Judy Shankman, RN; Ruth Shidlo, PhD; Sanford Benardo, Esq and Jean Kollantai of CLIMB; Carole Lieber Wilkins, MFT; Robin Newman; Ellie Goldman, LICSW; Susan Levin, LICSW; Adele Kauffman, PhD; and Carole Lieber Wilkins, MA. A special thanks goes to Diane Allen of the Infertility Network in Canada, whose tireless work has kept us up to date on matters relating to egg donation worldwide.
I (Ellen) give a special thanks to my husband, Dan Manning, without whose patience, support and computer literacy this book would not exist. I am also grateful to my grandson, Ryan Levesque, who has taught me that the gift of parenthood is a gift that keeps on giving. And, as the dedication of this book reflects, I am ever grateful to my beloved friend and co-author Susan Cooper who died nearly ten years ago but whose wise perspective on family building (and everything else) remains ever with me.
I (Evelina) want to thank my family—Dan, Ben and Ellie—who supported me throughout this process by giving me the time and flexibility to write.
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Some Introductions
Most of us grow up expecting that we can and eventually will become parents. We know how it is done—you find a partner you love, make love, get pregnant and nine months later you have a baby. Few people give any thought, initially, to the possibility that their own experience of family building may not be quite that simple. But things happen. Life intervenes. And, if you are reading this book, you have already come to understand that becoming a parent will not be as simple and straightforward as you once thought it would be.
You are not alone in finding that your journey to parenthood—and subsequently, your parenting experience—is different from what you expected it to be. We are keenly aware of how disappointed you may be feeling as you read this. You had hopes, dreams, and expectations and now it seems that they are being dismantled or even shattered. We hope that in the course of reading this book, you will come to a different perspective: that your experience is different but it is not “less than” or “second best.” We have known countless women and men struggle as they decide to pursue a second choice path to parenthood, only to land in what they feel is the best place imaginable. This includes many mothers through egg donation who say, once their baby arrives, “I wouldn’t have done it any other way. I couldn’t love any other baby as much.” Several have turned to the words of philosopher Joseph Campbell to capture their experience, “You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.”
Introducing us—Ellen and Evelina
Before we introduce you to other people whose personal and/or professional lives have been touched by egg donation, we want to introduce ourselves and to say something about how we came to write this book together…
Ellen is a clinical social worker and writer who has been helping people build families for over 30 years. She has a private practice in Newton, Massachusetts, where she focuses on adoption, pregnancy loss, donor conception, surrogacy and parenting after infertility. She is the author of two books, The Long Awaited Stork: A Guide to Parenting after Infertility and Experiencing Infertility: Stories to Inform and Inspire, and the co-author, with Dr. Susan Cooper, of Choosing Assisted Reproduction: Social, Emotional and Ethical Considerations. In addition to her clinical practice and professional writing, Ellen is an essayist and freelance writer.
Evelina is a public health researcher and educator with over 20 years’ experience working in the field of reproductive and women’s health. She completed her doctorate in the Department of Sociology at Georgia State University in Atlanta, Georgia, as well as a master’s degree in public health from the Johns Hopkins University, Baltimore, Maryland. Her research interests include issues related to gender and sexuality, as well as the long-term impacts of infertility. She is the co-author of several other books, including Living with PCOS—Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, Budgeting for Infertility: How to Bring Home a Baby Without Breaking the Bank, and Before Your Time: Living Well with Early Menopause. She has also written several articles specifically addressing family building and infertility.
We are writing this book together and will most often speak as “we.” That is not to say that we agree on everything, but, for the most part, we have tried to present material from a shared perspective. However, since we come from different professional backgrounds—clinical social work and public health—there are times when we do bring different perspectives. At those times, when we feel we must say “I” and not “we,” we follow the “I” with the speaker’s first name (Ellen or Evelina).
The purpose of this book
Not long ago it was unimaginable—the idea that eggs could be transferred from one woman to another. Today it is common. Throughout the world thousands of women have become—and are becoming—mothers through egg donation. Perhaps one day you will be among them.
Egg donation is one of several paths to parenthood that require the use of a third party’s reproductive capabilities. These collaborative reproductions include using donated sperm, using donated eggs, surrogacy, using a gestational carrier and embryo placement. For some time these options have been lumped together in both consumer and professional thinking as extensions of medical treatment. In this book we are endorsing a change in perspective. While it is true that medical techniques—insemination, in vitro fertilization (IVF) or perhaps other assisted reproductive technologies (ARTs)—are required for conception in collaborative reproduction, conception is far from the end of the journey when families are built by collaborative reproductive options. We believe that it is vital that families making these choices not consider them extensions of treatment, but that they understand that, in choosing a collaborative reproductive option, they are embarking on a psychosocial and emotional journey with lifelong consequences for all involved—would-be parents, third-party participants and, most of all, the children brought into the world as a result of collaborative reproduction. We believe that collaborative reproduction should be thought of as a psychosocial as well as a medical issue.
Unlike many books about the infertility experience, this is not a book centered on medicine and treatment. While we will offer limited medical information that would-be parents need to have to make informed decisions, our basic focus in Having Your Baby Through Egg Donation is on the psychosocial ramifications of having and parenting a baby using the eggs of a donor. While the book presents many facts, it does not claim to be objective. Our book contains the strong, experientially informed opinions of its authors.
We have written this book as a guide to your journey toward making decisions about whether or not to use donated eggs. Whatever brings you to consider egg donation, we assume that the experience has not been easy. We hope that this book will offer you comfort, guidance, information and support as you make your way. We hope, also, that it will remind you that you are not alone. Others have traveled this path before you, and many women
