make this choice and if it works, you will grow your baby. More important still, you will raise this child. You’ll be the tooth fairy and the carpool pick-up and the one who lies awake at night when your newly minted driver is out on the road. If that isn’t real parenthood, we don’t know what is!
Look ahead, not behind
“We shouldn’t have waited so long,” “I shouldn’t have focused so much on my career.” “My husband and I should have met earlier,” “We shouldn’t have waited until we had a house…” And on it goes. Regrets? All too often, they are heavy and unnecessary burdens. We remind you that none of us make decisions planning to one day regret them. If you move forward with egg donation, try to cast off the demons of regret and focus instead on the path that lies ahead.
Now that we’ve trashed regret, we want to put in a bit of a good word for it—or at least for “anticipatory regret.” By this we refer to making decisions with an eye towards what one might later regret. The question of anticipatory regret arises in egg donation when it comes to donor selection, costs, anonymity. As you confront important decisions regarding egg donation, pause along the way and think about how you—or your future child—may feel about those decisions in the future.
The meaning of donor conception changes over time
When they first think about having a baby through egg donation, many people struggle with the concept. Women fear they will not feel like “real” mothers. This is a concern that remains with many, even well into parenthood. However, as time passes, as diapers are changed, these concerns are likely to fade and others arise. Dr. Maggie Kirkman, an Australian psychologist and researcher who has interviewed many women who are mothers through egg donation, confirms: “One of the most notable findings in my research is the way in which the meaning of donor assisted conception, including egg donation, changes over time and according to what else is happening in the family’s life” (Kirkman 2003a). As she picks up toys scattered about, rushes to drive carpool and hurries to get to soccer practice, Carla Gordon will certainly agree that her focus has changed!
The people you meet along the way will shape your journey
As you consider egg donation, you will be talking with physicians, nurses, mental health counselors, parents through egg donation and, possibly, egg donors. The things people say to you and the approaches they take to this decision will influence your decision making. You will also be influenced by the comments—knowing and unknowing—of friends, family and acquaintances. Ultimately, you will be making your own decision, but it would be foolish for us to suggest that that decision is made in a vacuum.
Finances and geography will influence your decisions
As if infertility wasn’t enough, people considering egg donation often face geographical and financial challenges. Depending upon the laws in the state or country where you live, egg donation may be more or less available to you. If you live in Italy, you will have to travel internationally to pursue this option. Should you seek anonymous donation and live in the UK, you might need to travel to Spain, the Czech Republic or another country that still permits anonymous donors. If you live in the US, in a state that mandates health insurance coverage for egg donation, the process may be comfortably within your reach.
The blessing and curse of the “meant to be”
“Oh, it was meant to be,” well-intentioned people declare upon hearing a couple has had a miscarriage. Or you may say to yourselves, “Maybe we were not meant to be parents.” Both are examples of what we call “the curse of the meant to be.” How cruel is it to declare that someone who deeply desires a child is not “meant to be” a parent?
On the other hand, there is a blessing of the “meant to be.” The blessing comes when things unfold in an unexpected way and the outcome, although not the one originally intended, is a good one. You have twins through donor eggs. They are wonderful. It was meant to be. You adopt a little girl from China. She captivates you and you are certain it was meant to be.
The Chinese believe that there is a tiny, not quite visible, red thread that connects people who belong together. The blessing of the “meant to be” and a belief in “the red thread” offer comfort.
Some other things you should know about this book
Our readers
Although we would be delighted to hear that this book was helpful to a range of readers, we have written it with certain populations in mind. We assume that most of our readers will be women who have learned, for various reasons, that they are unable to become pregnant using their own eggs. We hope that their husbands or partners will also read this book and, perhaps, that they will share it will family members, especially if the family is involved in intrafamily donation.
We are both in the US (although in different cities and regions) and, hence, much of our reference point is the US. However, we have spoken with people around the world for this book and have included their voices and perspectives within it.
Our language
We are aware that some people object to the use of the word donor when a woman receives payment, even if it seems clear that the payment is for her time and effort. Some would advise us to say provider rather than donor. Although we feel that there are instances in which provider is the more appropriate term, we like to believe that the majority of women who give their eggs to someone else do see it as a gift. The word donor appears to honor that gift more than does the word provider.
On the other hand, we will not use the word disclosure. This word is often used in reference to truth telling with children. To us, the word disclosure implies a secret. Since we see no secret, we will simply say—again and again—that we feel parents need to be truthful with their children.
Perhaps the biggest semantic challenge we faced in writing this book was figuring out how to refer to those egg donors who are neither family members nor friends. They have often been called anonymous donors, but since we have reservations about them remaining anonymous to their recipients and to the offspring, this word did not seem an apt description. Nor did we want to call them paid donors, since the fees they receive are considered compensation for time and effort, not payment for eggs. Similarly, commercial donors did not seem right. Since all donors enter into contracts, the term contractual donors didn’t work, either. Finally, we decided that the clearest term to distinguish between those donors who were friends or family members of their recipients beforehand and those who did not know their recipients beforehand was to refer to the way in which they were located and matched with a recipient—by being recruited by a medical practice or agency program. We will refer to them as program-recruited donors.
Often you will hear the technical words oocytes, ova and ovum referring to human eggs. While these are the correct words medically, we have chosen to use the colloquial egg in this edition and to always refer to the process as egg donation.
We refer to the process by which an embryo that originates in one family is transferred to another as embryo placement, as opposed to embryo donation or embryo adoption.
Finally, rather than using the cumbersome “he or she” and “his or her,” we have, in most cases, referred to the child born through egg donation as “he.” This has also helped to clarify meaning when we refer, in the same sentence, to the mother or egg donor as “she.”
This book is meant to be both challenging and supportive. We hope you will enjoy it and find it helpful.
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An Overview of Egg Donation
Egg donation
