the least bit upset—I was ecstatic. The recommendation sent my heart soaring. After all, we’d long ago made peace with the idea of having a child through donor gametes. That work had been done, and we had a wonderful child to show for it. What sent my heart soaring was the news that egg donors were now available. When we had gone through donor sperm, I remembered hearing that women were on waiting lists for years for donor eggs.”
“‘No, it’s become easy to locate a donor,’ our doctor told us. He put us in touch with a lawyer who specializes in finding donors and helps match them with recipients. We made an appointment and eagerly piled the girls into the car for what would be the newest Gordon family project,” Carla continues. “The lawyer was lovely but when he saw the children, he seemed a little surprised and confused. He pointed to them and asked how we could look at donor profiles when our children were with us. ‘Oh, they came to help us,’ I explained. Then he looked really surprised.”
Indeed, Rebecca and Jennifer were there to help their parents select a donor. Needless to say, the real choice would be the parents’ decision, but Rebecca and Jennifer, who have both known about their own origins for as long as they can remember, wanted to be part of things. For them, it is entirely natural for families to be created in all sorts of ways and for parents to talk openly and honestly with their children about assisted reproduction and gamete donation.
Carla and Rob found a donor they liked. They were pleased to find that egg donation—at least with their lawyer—was more open than sperm donation had been for them. They were able to talk with their donor and to exchange letters and pictures in a non-identifying way. The process was set in motion, and, to Carla and Rob’s surprise, Carla was pregnant on the first cycle. But there was to be a bigger surprise up ahead.
When Carla and Rob learned that she was carrying twins, they were stunned. Having spent over a decade in reproductive medicine, they were well aware that twins were always a possibility, but, as Rob put it, “We weren’t surprised, we were shocked.”
Last year Carla gave birth to baby boys, Jake and Matt. When asked how this—her donor egg pregnancy—felt different to the others, Carla comments first on the fact that it was twins, then on the fact that she felt like an “old mother”—and only then on the fact that the twins came from a donor.
“I felt that if I couldn’t give them my genes, I could grow them as best I could. I did everything I could to eat well, rest well, take care of myself and to carry them as long as I could.” Carla goes on to add that she carried the twins until 39 weeks and gave birth to them vaginally. And if that is not remarkable enough, the twins weighed 8 pounds 3 ounces and 6 pounds 13 ounces at birth!
And so that is how the Gordons’ front porch came to exclaim “Kids!” It doesn’t announce “Donor sperm” or “Donor egg” or “IVF” or “ICSI.” The bikes and sporting equipment and the double stroller, like life inside the home, say that this is what it is—a normal, natural, content and thriving family.
“But what do the kids think?” you might be wondering. “How do the children cope with information about donor insemination or egg donation? And how could the parents have been brave enough to tell them? I wouldn’t be that brave,” you fear.
Carla and Rob do not see themselves as brave, nor do they see their children as suffering, in any way, from knowing how their family came to be. Rather, the Gordons feel that the topic is one to be handled honestly and openly with their children. Moreover, they are happy to tell all of their children how much they wanted them, how hard they worked to have them, how grateful they are to the donors who helped them and, above all, how thrilled they are to be their parents. It is a joyous story, and one that is revisited in different ways, at different times.
As open as the Gordons have been at home, both are clear that the story of how their family came to be is a private matter. Beyond their minister, their reproductive endocrinologist, their obstetrician and Rob’s mother, who learned because Rebecca told her, almost no one knows what Rob and Carla did to create their family. “We feel it is the children’s private information and it is theirs to share, as they wish, when they wish.” Thus far, Rebecca, the only Gordon child really old enough to talk about donor conception with others, has chosen to keep her story private.
When asked if they have any regrets, the Gordons smile and say, “No, only gratitude.” But then Carla pauses for a moment and speaks a truth about the legacy of infertility. “I have a terrific family. I’m having a blast. I couldn’t be happier, but I’ll admit, I still wonder what it would be like to just find myself pregnant. I know it is a pipe dream at this point, as my eggs are old and I know that our lives are full with children, but how amazing, how wonderful it would be to just one day wake up and find myself pregnant.” With this Carla pauses for a moment and then jumps up: one of the twins is crying and it is time to pick up Jennifer from school.
We thank the Gordons for introducing several of the themes that run through this book. As Carla Gordon put it, “Our family spans the history of modern infertility treatment.”
Reproductive medicine is a changing field
Indeed, reproductive medicine is a changing field. Rob Gordon, the biological father of three children, was once told he would never father a child. Carla Gordon, in her mid-20s when she first attempted pregnancy, never anticipated she would be turning to an egg donor as she neared 40. We cannot begin to fathom the changes that will occur between now and the time the Gordon children are ready to start families of their own.
Our central themes
While every family’s decision to have their baby through egg donation is uniquely their own, we have found there are several overarching themes that many experience similarly.
People make decisions based on their changing reality
Egg donation is often an unexpected journey. Although there are those among you who have anticipated egg donation for many years, the majority of women who conceive through donated eggs never expected to travel this path.
People come to egg donation after loss. You learn you were born without ovaries; you learn your eggs are “old” (even if you are not); you lose your ovarian function because of chemotherapy. Things happen. Your reality changes, and, as it does, you come to see your options through a different lens.
Throughout this book we will remind you repeatedly to “never say never.”
Again, the Gordons’ story is illustrative. When I (Ellen) first met Carla and Rob, they had just learned of Rob’s infertility. As a couple, they were first grappling with questions of donor sperm. If someone had told them then that, even with donor sperm, they would have to try IVF three times, they would have exclaimed, “Never!” Surely, if someone had told them that Rob’s sperm would be capable of fertilizing an egg, they would have exclaimed “Never!” in total bafflement. And, no doubt, the information that their third and fourth children would be conceived through egg donation would have startled them. You get the picture: their reality changed and, with it, their perspective.
You are the architects of your family story and the proud owners of that story
If you choose egg donation, you have the opportunity to formulate your family story. Unlike adoptive parents, who build on a story that is already underway, parents via egg donation make decisions, from the start, that design the story. Throughout this book we will encourage you to look to the future and, in particular, to your hoped-for child’s feelings, as you make the decisions that will begin your child’s story.
Making decisions you feel good about should pay off in many ways. In addition to providing you with confidence as you begin conversations with your child, you should
