to decide when you want to talk about donor conception and when you do not.
When we both first began working in egg donation in the mid-1990s, there was a climate of secrecy. Sadly, the very people who worked so hard to build their families were slinking around as though they had a shameful secret. Thanks, in large measure, to the outspoken voices of adopted children and those through sperm donation, attitudes are changing. We now live in a time in which parents through egg donation feel a greater sense of confidence and legitimacy.
Why are open conversations with children so important? We have long believed that without openness, there is the risk that egg donation will feel shameful. We worried that parents who did not speak openly with their children would prompt their children to feel that their birth was “second best,” that their parents felt they had “something to hide,” that there was a “missing piece” in their lives. Recently, researchers Bohanek, Marin, Fivush, and Duke at Emory University have offered even more compelling reasons for talking openly with children. They developed a 20 question, “Do you know?” scale and found that children who know the most about their family history, score highest in self-confidence. The authors write, “We experience many important and emotional events with our families, and reminiscing about these shared experiences who we are both within the family and as individuals” (2006). Included in the “Do you know” questions are questions about how their parents’ dealt with adversity such as illness or accidents. Tellingly, there is the question, “Do you know the story of your birth?”
Being open and honest does not mean, however, that parents through egg donation should self-consciously announce to everyone, “I had my child through egg donation,” or, worse, refer to their baby as “my egg donor baby.” Rather, we recommend that people talk about egg donation on a “reason to tell” or “reason to talk” basis. We encourage parents to tell others how their child was conceived if there is a reason to tell them. We remind you that you are not only creating your family story, but you are also determining how and when that story will be told and to whom.
Acting in the best interests of children
Reproductive medicine exists to create children for people who want to parent them. These would-be parents are the clients of reproductive medicine centers and, in many instances, of gamete donation programs. Nonetheless, the primary concern should not be to please would-be parents nor the women who offer to help them. Rather, attention should always be paid—first and foremost—to the well-being of children. In the case of egg donation, we are often talking about unborn children.
Throughout this book we pay close attention to the best interests of children. Adults, whether they are recipient couples or egg donors, should be capable of making informed decisions for themselves. But who speaks for the children? Their rights must be attended to and protected. Among these rights we include the right to know the truth about their origins, the right to information about their genetic ancestry, the right to privacy, the right of access to one’s genetic relatives and the right to parents who are of childrearing age.
This last right is increasingly difficult to define. When we raised this question in the first edition of this book, we received criticism from some older parents who felt we were biased. We took this criticism seriously and examined it, trying to distinguish between what may be personal bias and what may truly be in the best interests—or not—of children. Our conversations, between ourselves and with others, have led to a more flexible approach in this book, recognizing that there are many benefits to older parenting.
People feel differently about genetics and gestation
Women who donate eggs, whether to family members, friends or strangers, are able to do so because they do not see an egg as “their child.” When asked what the egg means to them, they will often liken it to blood—a valuable and useful part of their bodies that they can give to someone else because they do not need it.
Not everyone feels this way. There are many women who say they “could never give away my genetic material.” Often these same women can say with confidence, “I’d be happy to carry someone else’s baby for them, but I could never give them my eggs.”
Our point is that people feel very differently about genetics and gestational ties. For some, all that really matters are the genetic ties—these are the links to generations past and future. To others, it is the act of pregnancy—of gestating a child and giving birth—that really matters.
It is important, as you read this book, for you to think about how you feel about genes and gestation. There is no right or wrong, better or worse. We are simply acknowledging the natural differences among people. You need to understand where you are on the genes/gestation spectrum and where your partner is. Only then can you face decisions about egg donation clearly and honestly. If genetic ties are crucial to you, you may be most comfortable with an intrafamily donation if one is available to you. Or you may decide to pursue adoption, feeling “it is only fair that if one of us cannot have a genetic tie to our child, neither of us can.”
The Gordon family represents a spectrum of genetic and gestational bonds. Carla has gestational ties to all four of her children but genetic ties to two. Rob, who was prepared to parent without any genetic ties to his children, ended up with genetic links to three of his four children. The parents and the children are aware of the differences that exist in the family, but, as Carla explains it, these differences are simply there. For example, she feels a touch of pleasure when Rebecca comments on how much she and Jake—who share no genetic link—look alike.
Carrying and delivering a baby forges strong bonds
Having just acknowledged that genes are of paramount importance to some people and of relatively less importance to others, we turn to the significance of pregnancy. Even those who would choose a genetic connection over a gestational one, if they could make that choice, often find that carrying a child for nine months—or sharing a pregnancy with one’s partner for nine months—forges powerful bonds. Carla Gordon, who shared a genetic connection with her first two children, spoke to this bond when she so proudly affirmed, “I grew their hearts, I grew their brains, and I fed them for nine months and grew them with all the love I could possibly give.”
Epigenetics and microchimerism are two fairly recent concepts that fortify the significance of gestational bonds. Epigenetics is the study of heritable changes in gene expression or cellular phenotype caused by mechanisms other than changes in the underlying DNA sequence. Microchimerism is the presence of a small number of cells that originate in one individual and cross the placenta into another. Women pregnant through egg donation are often comforted to know that their cells will live on in their child for years to come.
Couples can strengthen their relationships as they journey through infertility and gamete donation
“Whatever doesn’t break us will make us stronger.” This certainly applies to infertility, which is, for most couples, a devastating life crisis. Although some relationships may crumble under the stress of infertility, many are strengthened. Surely the process of exploring and possibly attempting an egg donor pregnancy has the potential to strengthen a relationship. The process forces people to take a serious look at why they want to be parents together, how they will share a parenthood that is not genetically equal, how they will respect the importance of privacy while avoiding the hazards of secrecy.
Pregnancy and parenthood through egg donation are legitimate and authentic
If you choose egg donation, you should do so believing that you have a right to this decision and to the child or children it brings into your life. Sadly, we meet women who work so hard to conceive through egg donation but react to a positive pregnancy test by feeling “fake.” Although this feeling seems to diminish as a pregnancy unfolds, some feelings of being not-quite-a-real-parent linger, sometimes even after a child
